I've returned

I don't know if anyone even looks at this blog anymore considering I haven't written a considerable amount on it for a while.

There is so much nostalgia whenever I come back here that I worry that I won't be able to handle it.

Regardless, I was compelled to come back here after throwing up my guts. Something I haven't done in weeks. Now my stomach is staging a revolt with strange noises and cramping. Such activity reminds me of old times. Looking back, I whined and complained about being "fat" and now I would kill to look the way I did then. Funny how your perspective changes, huh?

I think I'm going to try to get this thing up and running again; it kept me on track before and I am hoping that it will do the same this time around.

Elle

Hello there, blog

Its been months since I've been on this blog. I've been avoiding it on purpose. I didn't want to come back to it. I wanted to prove to myself that I was happy, that the life that I'd revealed to you no longer existed. I wanted it to fade into the past and become nothing more than a forgotten period of my life. But then I realized that my unhappiness was very apparent, and I had the undeniable urge to return here.

While I've been gone some things happened. First of all, I fell in love. A boy who I'd known for four years. I love him more than life. We are euphoric in each others' presence and do what young couples do. We talk about getting married and having a daughter and a puppy. Its all so glorious. Unfortunately we are also both at universities that are quite a ways apart. He visited me this weekend and left just this afternoon. The feeling of losing your absolute source of happiness is devastating. Its strange that something so wonderful as love can cause so much pain. The pain of his absence is physically crippling, and I want nothing more to lie in bed and cry until he returns.

Second of all, I am in college now. I am majoring in psychology, perhaps with the underlying intent of figuring out what the hell is wrong with me. I live in an apartment with three other girls, and we do what college girls do.

But even with all of these wonderful things around me, i am so dreadfully empty. The moment I am alone, the realization that I am alone terrifies me. It makes me feel as though I am falling and suffocating at the same time.

Sometimes I wonder why I care about things. Why I choose to obey my parents when I am a legal adult. Why I take the conventional road instead of doing what I want. Why I don't act on my desire.

What if its all for nought in the end?

This fear of being alone has also manifested itself in the form of panic attacks. They are simply lovely.

I hope that I will return here more regularly, and I have the feeling that I will. I have the urge to write out my thoughts; it calms me.

Elle

All of these days are the same

there is that hungry feeling. The kinds that sits comfortably and satisfyingly inside you until all of a sudden it stabs you with anger and content.

there is that tired feeling. The one that you get after you let out all of your fear and anger at the gym and now you're body is running on empty

there is that achey feeling- in your chest when you breathe and perpetually in your head

and then there is the desire for more

Fighting a losing battle...

i am absolutely exhausted. As a high school senior with 14 days left of school, you'd think that teachers would take it easy on their students. But no. I have so much work to do that i am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I am trying to force my eyes to stay open but then just won't. All i want to do is rest.

Saturday Lunch Conflict.

So my french teacher is retiring and having this final lunch thing at a fancy restaurant this Saturday. I am in her AP class, aka been with her four years, so she especially expects me to be there. Also the fact that I told her I would be there.

HOWEVER this thing is a recipe for disaster.
1. The lunch is THREE COURSES
2. It would be really uncomfortable to leave halfway through, aka no escape
3. Restaurants make me nervous
4. Eating in front of people makes me nervous

This is not good. Not good at all. But I don't know what to doooooo. I feel really obligated to go but i know that if I go it could be really bad.

I'm thinking that I will either:
a. not go and face the subliminal hatred that my teacher will give me for the rest of the year
b. go and eat as minimally as possible and engage in as much conversation (aka not eating) as possible

But I'm really not particularly satisfied with that. I freaking hate eating with other people! It is so stressful!

Also I am about to go in the jacuzzi with my little sister, meaning I am in a bikini, and I am just reminded that I am a fat cow. Which is awesome.

xoxoxoxoxo
Elle

________________________________________________________
UPDATE


alright literally fuck this shit i am NOT GOING TO THAT DEATH LUNCH. And not any other related activity either. I am over this. I am just going to lock myself in my room in the fucking dark so that i won't be tempted and so that i wont do anything but starve. I am going to starve in the dark.

Okay I need to plan my day.

Breakfast-
piece of watermelon (43 calories)

Lunch-
orange (86 calories)
rice cake (35 calories)

Dinner-
i think i can find a way out of this altogether

TOTAL: 164 calories

It's a good plan. NOW ELLE, LOOK AT ME. DON'T FUCK THIS UP. YOU HAVE A GOOD, SOLID PLAN THAT WILL LEAVE YOU FEELING SKINNY AT THE END OF THE DAY. NOT LIKE YOU FEEL RIGHT NOW. JUST STICK TO THE PLAN, YOU CAN DO THIS.

What I will do if i feel like I am going to fuck up:
- sit in my room in the dark and listen to bon iver and sigur ros
- build a blanket fort in my room
- take a shower
- concentrated breathing
-take a walk
- go to the gym (if my mom will let me, i've been sick all week)
- get ready for evening plans

I am planning on going to a play with J, so if i do it right, i should be able to skip dinner by saying that we are going to get food together. that would be ideal. plus then i will be occupied during my prime binge time, the evenings.

I WANT TO BE THIN I WANT TO BE THIN I WANT TO BE THIN I WANT TO BE THIN I WANT TO BE THIN I WANT TO BE THIN I WANT TO BE THIN I CAN DO THIS. Elle, you know you can do this. Just stay focused.

Lets not kid ourselves.

fuck recovery. I hate it. I hate stepping on the scale and not being any goddamn thinner.

I am also getting worried. My little sister is starting to grow up. Although I've never considered myself  "thin" (because then i would be perfect) I have always taken pride in the fact that i am the thinnest of my sisters. But, now that my little sister is getting taller and more athletic, that is being challenged. Not verbally, of course, but I can just see it happening. I HAVE TO BE THE THINNEST OF THE SISTERS OR I WILL DIE.

and i know that sounds really selfish and dumb but if she gets thinner than me i am going to have a freak out session. Already, just typing about it I am getting lightheaded and dizzy because that's how important it is to me that i remain in this position.

I feel fat and dirty right now. I am going to try to fast tomorrow.

Also I am fucking pissed off because J keeps talking about how he likes this girl that i fucking despise with my heart and soul and it makes me angry.

anyways- my point: I am back. You'll be hearing from me a hell of a lot more often.

I've missed you all.

I know, I've been gone a while.

But I've been doing a lot of work with myself. I am not even close to done, nor am I ready to be, but hey I don't throw up anymore. Fasting and getting thin is still a major priority for me, but in a less...."i'm going to die in five seconds" kind of way. My moods are much more stable, my head more clear, and I can handle my emotions with a bit more rationality. And I do mean a bit. I feel guilty for not reading and encouraging you as I love to do, but its difficult for me to come on this blog. I'm not sure why....I guess I just don't want to face myself. I don't want to be tempted to be what I was. I don't want to remember how easy it was. I just want to put on my blinders and do the best I can.

With love,
Elle