I've returned

I don't know if anyone even looks at this blog anymore considering I haven't written a considerable amount on it for a while.

There is so much nostalgia whenever I come back here that I worry that I won't be able to handle it.

Regardless, I was compelled to come back here after throwing up my guts. Something I haven't done in weeks. Now my stomach is staging a revolt with strange noises and cramping. Such activity reminds me of old times. Looking back, I whined and complained about being "fat" and now I would kill to look the way I did then. Funny how your perspective changes, huh?

I think I'm going to try to get this thing up and running again; it kept me on track before and I am hoping that it will do the same this time around.

Elle

Hello there, blog

Its been months since I've been on this blog. I've been avoiding it on purpose. I didn't want to come back to it. I wanted to prove to myself that I was happy, that the life that I'd revealed to you no longer existed. I wanted it to fade into the past and become nothing more than a forgotten period of my life. But then I realized that my unhappiness was very apparent, and I had the undeniable urge to return here.

While I've been gone some things happened. First of all, I fell in love. A boy who I'd known for four years. I love him more than life. We are euphoric in each others' presence and do what young couples do. We talk about getting married and having a daughter and a puppy. Its all so glorious. Unfortunately we are also both at universities that are quite a ways apart. He visited me this weekend and left just this afternoon. The feeling of losing your absolute source of happiness is devastating. Its strange that something so wonderful as love can cause so much pain. The pain of his absence is physically crippling, and I want nothing more to lie in bed and cry until he returns.

Second of all, I am in college now. I am majoring in psychology, perhaps with the underlying intent of figuring out what the hell is wrong with me. I live in an apartment with three other girls, and we do what college girls do.

But even with all of these wonderful things around me, i am so dreadfully empty. The moment I am alone, the realization that I am alone terrifies me. It makes me feel as though I am falling and suffocating at the same time.

Sometimes I wonder why I care about things. Why I choose to obey my parents when I am a legal adult. Why I take the conventional road instead of doing what I want. Why I don't act on my desire.

What if its all for nought in the end?

This fear of being alone has also manifested itself in the form of panic attacks. They are simply lovely.

I hope that I will return here more regularly, and I have the feeling that I will. I have the urge to write out my thoughts; it calms me.

Elle

All of these days are the same

there is that hungry feeling. The kinds that sits comfortably and satisfyingly inside you until all of a sudden it stabs you with anger and content.

there is that tired feeling. The one that you get after you let out all of your fear and anger at the gym and now you're body is running on empty

there is that achey feeling- in your chest when you breathe and perpetually in your head

and then there is the desire for more

Fighting a losing battle...

i am absolutely exhausted. As a high school senior with 14 days left of school, you'd think that teachers would take it easy on their students. But no. I have so much work to do that i am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I am trying to force my eyes to stay open but then just won't. All i want to do is rest.

Saturday Lunch Conflict.

So my french teacher is retiring and having this final lunch thing at a fancy restaurant this Saturday. I am in her AP class, aka been with her four years, so she especially expects me to be there. Also the fact that I told her I would be there.

HOWEVER this thing is a recipe for disaster.
1. The lunch is THREE COURSES
2. It would be really uncomfortable to leave halfway through, aka no escape
3. Restaurants make me nervous
4. Eating in front of people makes me nervous

This is not good. Not good at all. But I don't know what to doooooo. I feel really obligated to go but i know that if I go it could be really bad.

I'm thinking that I will either:
a. not go and face the subliminal hatred that my teacher will give me for the rest of the year
b. go and eat as minimally as possible and engage in as much conversation (aka not eating) as possible

But I'm really not particularly satisfied with that. I freaking hate eating with other people! It is so stressful!

Also I am about to go in the jacuzzi with my little sister, meaning I am in a bikini, and I am just reminded that I am a fat cow. Which is awesome.

xoxoxoxoxo
Elle

________________________________________________________
UPDATE


alright literally fuck this shit i am NOT GOING TO THAT DEATH LUNCH. And not any other related activity either. I am over this. I am just going to lock myself in my room in the fucking dark so that i won't be tempted and so that i wont do anything but starve. I am going to starve in the dark.

Okay I need to plan my day.

Breakfast-
piece of watermelon (43 calories)

Lunch-
orange (86 calories)
rice cake (35 calories)

Dinner-
i think i can find a way out of this altogether

TOTAL: 164 calories

It's a good plan. NOW ELLE, LOOK AT ME. DON'T FUCK THIS UP. YOU HAVE A GOOD, SOLID PLAN THAT WILL LEAVE YOU FEELING SKINNY AT THE END OF THE DAY. NOT LIKE YOU FEEL RIGHT NOW. JUST STICK TO THE PLAN, YOU CAN DO THIS.

What I will do if i feel like I am going to fuck up:
- sit in my room in the dark and listen to bon iver and sigur ros
- build a blanket fort in my room
- take a shower
- concentrated breathing
-take a walk
- go to the gym (if my mom will let me, i've been sick all week)
- get ready for evening plans

I am planning on going to a play with J, so if i do it right, i should be able to skip dinner by saying that we are going to get food together. that would be ideal. plus then i will be occupied during my prime binge time, the evenings.

I WANT TO BE THIN I WANT TO BE THIN I WANT TO BE THIN I WANT TO BE THIN I WANT TO BE THIN I WANT TO BE THIN I WANT TO BE THIN I CAN DO THIS. Elle, you know you can do this. Just stay focused.

Lets not kid ourselves.

fuck recovery. I hate it. I hate stepping on the scale and not being any goddamn thinner.

I am also getting worried. My little sister is starting to grow up. Although I've never considered myself  "thin" (because then i would be perfect) I have always taken pride in the fact that i am the thinnest of my sisters. But, now that my little sister is getting taller and more athletic, that is being challenged. Not verbally, of course, but I can just see it happening. I HAVE TO BE THE THINNEST OF THE SISTERS OR I WILL DIE.

and i know that sounds really selfish and dumb but if she gets thinner than me i am going to have a freak out session. Already, just typing about it I am getting lightheaded and dizzy because that's how important it is to me that i remain in this position.

I feel fat and dirty right now. I am going to try to fast tomorrow.

Also I am fucking pissed off because J keeps talking about how he likes this girl that i fucking despise with my heart and soul and it makes me angry.

anyways- my point: I am back. You'll be hearing from me a hell of a lot more often.

I've missed you all.

I know, I've been gone a while.

But I've been doing a lot of work with myself. I am not even close to done, nor am I ready to be, but hey I don't throw up anymore. Fasting and getting thin is still a major priority for me, but in a less...."i'm going to die in five seconds" kind of way. My moods are much more stable, my head more clear, and I can handle my emotions with a bit more rationality. And I do mean a bit. I feel guilty for not reading and encouraging you as I love to do, but its difficult for me to come on this blog. I'm not sure why....I guess I just don't want to face myself. I don't want to be tempted to be what I was. I don't want to remember how easy it was. I just want to put on my blinders and do the best I can.

With love,
Elle

Update

I don't have a lot of time to write, but I've been doing very well. I haven't binged and purged in about three weeks, and I am happy. I still have food issues, but I opened up to someone I trust, and things are looking up for me. I think of you all often and hope you are happy <3

BAHAHAHAHA

okay this is a little window into my life:

Wasn't sure if I should purge dinner because then I would probably throw up the handful of laxatives I took like 20 mins before dinner.

Purging or laxies? The ultimate question.

Advice?

Alright. Tomorrow is the day that I'm supposed to meet up with J's mother and admit my life story.

ummmmmmm not feelin too hot about this, to be honest.

Like- what I am going to accomplish here? She's not a doctor, what can she possibly do? Is it fair to just dump this problem on another person? What if I'm not committed to getting better? What am I expecting to get out of this conversation? Pity? What if she tells my parents behind my back? What if she pushes food on me all the time? What if she starts crying? What if she gets mad? Too many questions. I think I'll just back out. Honestly, I just can't handle people getting all emotional around me. It's too intense.

Yay getting skinny

I have subsided today on like 5 saltine crackers and water. YAY.

Phew. That's a lotta barf.

Ive been throwing up for like 4 days straight. That is honestly all i've been doing. Not studying, not being with my friends, just vomiting.

First I binge. Then I purge until I gag and am throwing up bile. Then I lay down, dizzy and tired. After about 40 minutes or so I'll want some kind of food again. I contemplate it for a while, and then drag my ass into the kitchen to snatch as much food as I can without my parents noticing, go back into my room and eat it in front of the mirror.

repeat.


for hours, and hours on end. I am so, so tired. My chest hurts.

I am going to "talk" with j's mother this sunday. Like i said before, he thinks I need to talk to an adult about it but he also knows that I can't trust my family. So I'm going to talk to his mom. I think she can take it. I don't know how its going to go.

I just hope they don't think that just because I tell someone means I'm through. How do I tell them that this is my life? Nobody in the real world understands us, girls. We've got to stick together <3

I'm really hungry. Very, very hungry. I want to go to sleep but I'm honestly that hungry that I can't.

Maybe when I wake up, I'll weigh less. That would be ideal.

For some reason I also feel nauseated...which is weird since there's no food in there.

I officially have less than one month until my pageant. This is absolutely crunch time. If I am this weight in a pageant, I will lose.
1) because fat girls don't win beauty pageants
2) I'll feel so shitty about myself that I just won't perform well

Last pageant I weighed 10lbs less than I do now. I am determined to lose that by then and more. I think I can do this guys.

I am such an uncommitted blogger lately. Sorry I'm so lame, I just don't have too much to say. What can I say, really? Yes I am still disgusting and I wake up everyday thinking fuck you fat whore. Not exactly newsworthy.

READ THIS NOW.

alright so here's the deal. Went to the gym and worked out hard. Went in the sauna for a ridiculously unhealthy amount of time thinking you dumb bitch you deserve to suffer and had the intention of staying in there, sweating, until I thought I was dying. And I did. Got out the door before I passed out on the cold tile. Eventually calmed a spectator and made it to my car. Started hyperventilating while driving. Worst panic attack in the history of my life. Couldn't breathe, very blurry/starry vision. First my hands went numb (not ideal for driving) and soon my whole body. I eventually pulled over and tried to breathe/drifted in and out of consciousness for a few minutes. Eventually calmed down. Drove home with a vacant, frozen mind. In a panic I called J. and i told him. He knows about this stuff anyways. And of course, like every time it comes up, he just talks about how he doesn't know what he can personally do for me and how I need professional help. And like every time, I say I know, I just can't stop. I'm sorry. I'm scared. and we talk about it. And then the next day we don't talk about it. Normally we only talk about it when I'm coughing blood onto my hands or passing out on the ground. But this time he seems determined. He keeps pushing how, if I absolutely cannot tell my parents to get real help, at least to talk to some kind of adult. Unfortunately, due to my incredible trust issues, I do not have any of those. Except for his mom. I like her, and she cares about me like a normal mother. Not a psychotic mother or a drunk mother, but a nurturing, good-intentioned mother. So J is insisting that next time I come over, I talk with her. And I accepted that. I feel like it could be good...? I dunno. I think I like the idea of her talking to me. There is something about her that is warm and caring and makes me feel like I don't have to be ashamed.
And let me tell you, I am ashamed.
I told J that it would be really difficult for me to start such a conversation and he said "fine. then I'll just walk in the room and say 'mom, elle is a raging bulimic and needs help.' and then leave."
Raging bulimic? I was taken back by that a little. Is that really how he thinks of me. Is that what i really am? Goddamn truth, how I hate to face you.

I am so fatigued

from working for nine freaking hours. my god. Also I ate minimally all day, which I was happy with. Then I got home from work and ate a normal(ish) sized dinner that I promptly threw up. You know what's strange though? I came home from work pissy and uptight and after purging I am so calm and relaxed. I know that can't be healthy hahahaha. oh well.

BAHAHA this is my life. how comical.

I woke up this morning, the image of my skinnier self still prominent in my mind, thinking, I will not eat today. I will be thin. Then, I went to school. Got home AND ATE EVERYTHING. Like, holy shit. Threw up. Thought about things. Stood up, blacked out. Laid on the floor. Ate dinner with my family. Threw up a lot. Went to pick my sister up from sports practice.

And you know what happened? I realized something. J called me right after I purged all of dinner and I just couldn't stop laughing and giggle and smiling and having such a wonderful moment. I know its not normal, but throwing up makes me feel high as a kite. And you know what else? I always play music when I'm purging to help cover the noise, and sometimes I glance in the mirror and realize that i've been dancing a little...like while I throw up. Like, what the HELL KIND OF BRAIN DO I HAVE? And contrary to the capital letters, I am actually laughing. I think I'm to the point where I realize that I am completely insane and i'm okay with that.

Strange world we live in, that's for sure.

Just saw a picture of myself from exactly a year ago today. I look so much thinner. I will be that again. I promise.

Control, Control, I can see your shadow

and I will follow you until i capture you once and for all.

My next beauty pageant is in exactly one month. I am ten pounds heavier than i was when I competed last year. FUCK ME.

Here is the plan: I just had another meltdown/purge fest. Now I am going to go to the gym and burn off anything that somehow managed to stay in my system. Then tomorrow I will fast. All I can have is coffee (black) and water. The day after that will be handled when it comes. I am just going to make immediate plans for now because I tend to screw up when I plan too much.

All I know now is that I am empty and it feels so good. I will retain this emptiness. I will be strong. I will be thin for this pageant.

I will, and no one can stop me.

Everything is just falling apart

my family constantly yells at me for being inadequate, often in a drunken rage. my stepsister decided she doesn't want to be a part of my family and is moving full time with her mom. J is going to ask out that nasty whore skank bitch that I hate and probably ignore me.

Also I am still fat and I still hate myself beyond belief. And i've been doing some damn stupid things. my grades are slipping (steeply), i never sleep, i cry ALL THE TIME because im PATHETIC, and i pretty much have no recollection as to what happiness ever was.

I had a complete and epic meltdown like an hour ago. Ate some pie. threw up. finally a moment of calm. vomiting does that for me. Thats normal, right?

But honestly who fucking cares.

and i have to get another pageant dress tomorrow and im SO FUCKING FAT that i am going to look horrid in all of them.

FML.

I just want to die. Just to waste away into nothingness. Just lean back, arms outstretched, and let the wind take me away.