Please. Let me feel these weights lifted from my shoulders, my wrists freed of your shackles.
The thing that plagues my life endlessly, day after day: desire. For everything. For nothing. There will always be a hole that I need to fill, a flaw I need to compensate for. I am eternally, perpetually incomplete.
Always searching. Always in debt.
I am running in quicksand. Always falling, always struggling.
There are so many things that I want.....to possess, to become, to appear. But its all too much. All of these desires rush at me like water down a hill and I, I am the drain. I try to take as much water as I can but soon it will be too much, and I won't work anymore. I will drown in my own wishes.
"I have a passion for life that could paradoxically kill as if to say- I need everything, so I shall have nothing"
-the beautiful amanda
:-)
ReplyDeleteI love that image of drowning in wishes. Take a deep breath, fill your lungs with air and you'll start to float, slowly you can reemerge at the surface. Write me a list of your pretty glitter wishes. Write them down before they die along with your hope. I can't remember what mine were, I need to try and remember.
Apparently there is more to life than losing weight. I try to remind those who tell me this that they might be forgetting that it isn't all about weightloss. But fundamentally I know it is true, what they say. We are focusing on our demise, hiding it behind pretty pictures of legs with gaps inbetween the thighs.Lets not lose hope, or let's get our hope back.
Yesterday I was in counselling and Jacki said, 'you put up a wall when anyone suggests something that might help'. I knew it was true. She offered to look after my medication, I secretly thought - but what IF I WANT to hurt myself? She said that I wouldn't want to even consider changing when I couldn't see the benefit of it.
I still can't. I want my eating disorder. Is that bad? I want it worse. But even with horrible eating secrets, we are allowed to live a little.
So how about we work on achieving one wish from a list? And then the next?
I'll do it with you, if that stops a wall being built.
Love xxxxx
I waterfasted for 17 hours... made it to 5pm and had 132kcal porridge (replaced chickpeas in my diary list for cheapness and warmth and less calories per portion) and this is all i am having, and I am contented with it, so I will try again tomorrow with the water fast. But 132kcal is fine by me! :-)
ReplyDeleteList those wishes! Ancient and new :-)