Its been months since I've been on this blog. I've been avoiding it on purpose. I didn't want to come back to it. I wanted to prove to myself that I was happy, that the life that I'd revealed to you no longer existed. I wanted it to fade into the past and become nothing more than a forgotten period of my life. But then I realized that my unhappiness was very apparent, and I had the undeniable urge to return here.
While I've been gone some things happened. First of all, I fell in love. A boy who I'd known for four years. I love him more than life. We are euphoric in each others' presence and do what young couples do. We talk about getting married and having a daughter and a puppy. Its all so glorious. Unfortunately we are also both at universities that are quite a ways apart. He visited me this weekend and left just this afternoon. The feeling of losing your absolute source of happiness is devastating. Its strange that something so wonderful as love can cause so much pain. The pain of his absence is physically crippling, and I want nothing more to lie in bed and cry until he returns.
Second of all, I am in college now. I am majoring in psychology, perhaps with the underlying intent of figuring out what the hell is wrong with me. I live in an apartment with three other girls, and we do what college girls do.
But even with all of these wonderful things around me, i am so dreadfully empty. The moment I am alone, the realization that I am alone terrifies me. It makes me feel as though I am falling and suffocating at the same time.
Sometimes I wonder why I care about things. Why I choose to obey my parents when I am a legal adult. Why I take the conventional road instead of doing what I want. Why I don't act on my desire.
What if its all for nought in the end?
This fear of being alone has also manifested itself in the form of panic attacks. They are simply lovely.
I hope that I will return here more regularly, and I have the feeling that I will. I have the urge to write out my thoughts; it calms me.
Elle
