Kill me. JUST KILL ME NOW.

GOD DAMNIT I AM SO PISSED OFF.

I ate so much fucking food and then I had this GOD DAMNED STUPID IDEA LIKE "OH I SHOULDN'T THROW UP BECAUSE THERE ARE HOLES IN MY ESOPHOGUS" so i went to the gym instead and after I worked out for seriously a half hour i was like fuck it i'm throwing up but i couldn't because GUESS WHO ELSE WAS IN THE BATHROOM?

MY SCHOOL GUIDANCE COUNCILOR THATS WHO.

I couldn't fucking purge with my councilor in the room. So I just came home and now its too late to purge and I'm going to become a fat ass loser and nobody will like me because i'll be so FUCKING FAT

AND WHAT IN THE WORLD AM I SUPPOSED TO WEAR TO SCHOOL? I DON'T HAVE ANY CLOTHES THAT ARE GOING TO BE ABLE TO HIDE THIS GIANT FUCKING BELLY THAT I HAVE


FUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKKKKK




GOD FUCKING DAMNIT 


I HATE LIFE SO SO SO SO SO SO MUCH










LIKE, WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO ABOUT THIS? FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK. 


no words can describe the pathetic desperation I feel right now. In honesty, what do i do right now? Do I do jumping jacks and push ups and sit ups until the morning? Do I drink a shit ton of water? Do I bang my head against the wall until i die?

Sigh No More

I knew this was coming.

So I am not sure if I should just accept it quietly or still panic over the fact that I feel like I'm dying.

This is exactly what happened last time.
(and by last time I mean the time when I was in the hospital for complications from all of my eating problems, about this time last year actually)

I was at J's tonight and all of a sudden my chest hurt. Really fucking bad. I went home because (I said) it's a sunday night and I have schoolwork to attend to. But I honestly thought I would die on the drive home. My chest hurts so, so bad as well as my whole rib area. Every time I breathe or cough or swallow it feels like I just got stabbed. No, shot with a gun. Regardless, it hurts. sooo much. And I don't know if its because I'm panicking or because this is just whats happening but I feel like I just can't get enough air and I'm dizzy and my head hurts.

I think I just need sleep. Sleep= fixer of everything.

uh oh part two

So this morning I woke up.

Drank coffee.

Took a shower.

Then, I went into my room, got dressed and started brushing my hair.

With every stroke of the brush, more and more strands of hair fluttered to the floor. I ran my fingers through it, and a little clouds of blonde floated down.

Great. Fantastic. Everytime I walk by the mirror I see my hair all over my shirt (its black so it stands out)

Like, at this rate, it seems as though I won't have any hair by the end of the day.

WHAT IS HAPPENING.

Okay, now I'm afraid.

I have not digested any food in about four or five days. But I have eaten soooo much. I weighed myself and I've actually lost weight, which I am happy about, but I also know that it is subliminally encouraging this bulimia which I am attempting to stop.

Last night I threw up soooo much. Mostly, I take a trash bag into my room and lay it on the floor. Then I play loud music (as I often do anyways) and I'm good to go. I do this because my bathroom is suspicious and echo-y. But now i have like, multiple bags of throw up hidden in my room that I need to take care of. Oops. I know that I'm going to the gym later though, so I'll just throw it away in some random public trashcan like always.

(warning: this is disgusting)
And its getting pathetic. Literally- last night I was purging dinner and right as I'd finished my sisters told me that they were going out for ice cream and that they would buy me one. I said okay. A few minutes later they come back to my room with this big fat bowl of ice cream with a sprinkle-covered cone. I shoved that thing in my mouth while sitting in front of the mirror and the trashbag that I'd already laid out. As I shoved big fat pieces into my mouth, some of the sprinkles fell off onto my shirt and the carpet. I LICKED THE SPRINKLES OFF THE CARPET. THAT IS FUCKED UP. and then I threw up after about 25 seconds of finishing the thing anyways.
MAIN POINT: this is getting way out of hand.

BUT THERE HAS BEEN AN INCIDENT.
that freaks me the fuck out. I woke up this morning with the taste of blood in my mouth and blood on my pillow. Like, fuck. There is blood all over my pillow. Also...I'm not sure if this is possible, but I think that I pulled my jaw muscle. Even if I didn't, my whole jaw-area is puffy and hurts really bad.

Its not like this is new, but i've never had just extreme symptoms. I tried to drink a glass of water this morning, but I couldnt because all of the open sores in my mouth hurt too much.

URRRGGGG WHAT DO I DO ABOUT THIS. There is no adult in my life that I can trust. (And my parents are assholes so I can't tell them)

My throat hurts. I'm sorry that this post is all whining. BUT THERE IS BLOOD ON MY PILLOW. Does that mean I'm dying? Holy fuck what if I die. ahhh.

I'm going to have a moment of honesty with you. I don't like this one bit. And recently, as I've been throwing up a ton, I've also been going extra hard at the gym and sweating a lot in the sauna in the hopes that I'll just pass out and go to the hospital. Because then they'd have fix it. See, I can't get help myself because then the voices in my head will never shut up about how you're so lazy and weak and pathetic and you just want to eat you fat little piggy. But if it was involuntary...I don't know. And I don't really mean this. Because I don't want to get better, I just don't want to throw up. I just want to starve. But I know that I can't admit to one without admitting to the other to actually treatment really isn't an option for me. Bummer. GUESS THIS IS MY LIFE THEN.

Wow, I'm sorry for all of the ranting. Really, I am. But I don't know what to do. Will you tell me what to do?

I already purged my breakfast this morning, but I am truly truly fatigued and I dont think that I can go again today. So I'm hoping that I will just go to the gym, and then come home and sleep/not eat anything else today. That would be the ideal situation.

Hope your days are going well.

xoxoxo
Elle

UPDATE

okay well I purged the other stuff then picked up my little sister then came home and ate:

a cup of rice
4 more cookies
crackers dipped in cool whip (I don't know why either)
3 pieces of bread with lots of butter
frosting
another diet coke


and now that has also been thrown up. My throat hurts like a motherfucker right now, but I also feel nice and empty.

I am going to the gym now, which kind of seems like a recipe for disaster....but I need to make sure I burn off any of those little suckers that didn't come back up (I know, gross)

DEAR WORLD,
please note that bulimia is disgusting. Don't try it.
LOVE
ELLE

_____________________________________________________________________
UPDATE (on the update haha) 7:33 pm


Went to the gym, had a great workout.

Got home from the gym to find dinner still out and hot. My original plan was to not eat anything for dinner (since I binged so fucking much)

HOWEVER since I am a fat loser I came home and ate:

two bowls of pasta
two pieces of bread and butter
two cookies
a rice crispy
a handful of chocolate chips

AND THEN (you guessed it) PURGE TIME WHOOP WHOOP. I really wish I could have had some strobe lights or something when I said that to make it more dramatic.

So I am empty once again. That is three binges and purges today. fan-freaking-tastic. My face feels puffy. I don't like it. It makes me look chubby.

DAMNIT. Why did this happen. This whole day has just been a fail fail fail. And I have a lot of homework that I haven't even started and a huge math test tomorrow that I haven't even started studying for (let alone learned the chapter its on)

I do have one aderall left that I bought a while ago. I plan on taking that tomorrow....I'm just nervous that I'm going to end up having a binge/purge and then I'll throw it up and it will be wasted....which isn't going to help me at all.

UGHHHHH how do I stop binging. H-O-W. This is such crap. jfkla jfda fjiao; fehiwoa dksljfkdls jklafjkldsaj fds
I DONT WANT THIS TO BE MY LIFE

but i honestly feel like I don't have a choice. I literally walked into the house from the car thinking There is going to be dinner there. Don't eat it. But I'm so fucking hungry. No you're not you fat pig you just want to eat. Fine just eat what you want you fatty as long as you throw it all up. All of it. 


And then I ate the food. (by the way, this is kind of strange. But I've actually been like gaging after I eat food. Like almost vomiting involuntarily. Its kind of a problem because people look at me like I'm crazy.)


Everytime I eat i just have that feeling. Like the I know I have to do this but I don't want to feeling.

I dunno. I'm lame.

Oh no

I just binged.

I just ate:

an apple
a rice crispy
a kudos bar
a fruit roll up
8 cookies

GOD DAMN thats a lot of food.
oh, and a diet coke. Can you say purge time? I can.

HERE WE GOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Good Morning Sunshine

Actually its quite cloudy. But I am determined for this day to be wonderfully wonderful, so it doesn't really matter I guess.

I am fasting today (thank god)

All I really want is to snuggle up in bed all day. But there is work to be done, so that's not going to happen. But maybe after school then.

When I woke up both my legs were on pins and needles. Its been a half hour and I can barely feel either of them. bummer.

Semi-good day?

There has been eating involved. However I went to the store and bought two big bottles of laxatives :)

So tonight I am going to the gym around dinnertime (skip dinner) and workout until I am just absolutely too fatigued to carry on. Then, I will return home and drink one of the bottles. Let it clean out my entire system.

Then after that moment, I am beginning a fast. Empty and clean. Perfection.

I wonder how long I can manage to go. hm hm hm ;) we shall see we shall see.

_________________________________________________________________________________
UPDATE

family insisted I eat dinner with them.

ate

and purged obviously


now I am resting and then I will go to the gym. The only thing about going to the gym after purging is that the workout always sucks because you're tired. URG.
oh well...gotta do what ive gotta do.

A moment of calm

day of emptiness.

dinner with family.

purging.

its okay now, just close your eyes. Just rest.

Fuck that, ED forever

Idk what I was thinking. This is my life. I can't give that up.

What I can do is purge less by eating less.

Its pretty much safe to say that trying on my pageant dress today was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Eating= not an option. ever.

Everyone please read this. Life decision being made.

Okay. Anyone, and I mean anyone who is reading this, please help me make a decision. I have officially told J everything I had to tell.

He thinks that I should tell my parents about this. About my problems. So that I can get help and have a happy life. Part of me wants it, too. I know that I am afraid and that it will suck.

And you guys are all probably thinking what a weak pathetic person she just wants to eat she's disgusting etc. But, that's not it. I just don't want every moment of every day to be about fasting or throwing up or a number on a scale. I don't want to have daily panic attacks. I don't want to feel desperate and alone. I just want to do stuff.

You know, I used to have a lot of like, stuff in my life. I used to do things with my time besides losing weight.

So, guys, please help me. I don't know what I should do. Is this a bad decision? Is this going to be horrible? Or could it be a good thing in the end?

There is just a part of me that wants happiness. But another part of me is afraid that happiness may cost me thinness and control.

Please, just give me your opinion. The more opinions the better. I have got to decide what i am going to do with my life before its too late.

Love
Elle

WHAT A SHALLOW BITCH

I was sitting in the jacuzzi with my stepmom today and she was talking about how she thinks I hang out with J too much and how I should have more girl friends.

(by the way, as background, I have been debating whether to join a sorority my freshman year of college)

and then she was talking about how I just haaaave to join a sorority. And then she said, "I'd rather you were in a sorority and had an eating disorder than not be in a sorority." She was dead fucking serious.

WHAT THE SHIT? I literally do not comprehend. Fuck you bitch. I can't believe you would wish that upon me. Little do you know, I am already tortured by it every day. So, wish granted.

I swear she has this image of being being this beautiful blonde bimbo who goes to parties, gets around, and is extremely superficial.

How is that what you would wish upon you daughter?

Like, what the hell? I just don't understand. I am trying SO SO SO hard to understand how a mother (figure) could say that in honesty to their daughter.

She makes me feel so inadequate. Now I am just sad.

Also I am going on a fast starting this moment out of absolute rage. Sort of a "fuck you" to her face. I am just going to refuse to eat. For days. And she can just suck it. I hope something bad happens. Just so that she feels like shit. I can't believe she said that. I AM SO MAD RIGHT NOW.


And I ask again, why is this my life?


xoxoxo
Elle

On Valentine's Day

Some excerpts from "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock" hm? Enjoy my darlings this ironic poem and know that I love you dearly

"And indeed there will be time
For the yellow smoke that slides along the street,
Rubbing its back upon the window-panes;
There will be time, there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
There will be time to murder and create,
And time for all the works and days of hands
That lift and drop a question on your plate;
Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of toast and tea."


......



"And I have known the eyes already, known them all--
The eyes that fix you in a formulated phrase,
And when I am formulated, sprawling on a pin,
When I am pinned and wriggling on the wall,
Then, how should I begin
To spit out all the butt-ends of my days and ways?
And how should I presume?



.......



"Would it have been worth while,
To have bitten off the matter with a smile,
To have squeezed the universe into a ball
To roll it toward some overwhelming question,
To say: "I am Lazarus, come from the dead,
Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all!"--
If one, settling a pillow by her head,
Should say: "That is not what I meant at all.
That is not it at all" "



.......



"We have lingered in the chambers of the sea
By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown
Till human voices wake us, and we drown."




________________________________________________________________________
UPDATE: 8:57 pm

My vomit was pinkish red from all the strawberries that I ate. How festive. Why is this my life? I would really like to step into another person's shoes for just one day. Someone who doesn't deal with this kind of stuff every day...just to see what its like. What do they think about? What to they do? What do they feel? Are they happy? sad? content?

I don't want this to be a part of my life anymore. The bulimia, that is. I hate it. Its disgusting and horrible and dirty.

I am going to possibly fast tomorrow. I just need to feel the emptiness. To restore some purity in my body.

Also today I was at a friend's house and I felt really weird. I went into the bathroom and just sat on the floor. I could feel my heart beat...thump....thump.... and then nothing. for what seemed like forever. and then all of a sudden thumpthumpthumpthump and then nothing again. Finger to the neck, I sat in panic. Am I dying? Am I going to die right here on this floor right now?

No I decided. And got up off of the floor and joined my friends, fucked up heart and all. And hey, its been a whole hour and a half and I'm still here. So its lookin good I would say.

Grrrr

I didn't do what I said I would. Nope I ate all day. I feel like such a fatty and URGGG

Did you ever get that feeling as a child when you were at a friends house or with a relative or something where you would just think I really want to go home because home was normal, comforting, something you could depend on to be snuggly and welcoming every time. My eating disorder is my home. And eating makes me feel like I am away. And all I want to do is run to it and then everything will be alright.


xoxoxo
Elle


______________________________________________________________________________
UPDATE

holy mother of god I am about to be sick. I am just waiting to throw up. I can feel that its coming too. This is weird normally vomiting is voluntary and this is definitely not voluntary. I do not like this at all.

I don't want to go to school tomorrow but I kind of want to because it's valentine's day and if I don't go then I can't partake in stupid high school valentine's shit which as dumb as it sounds is fun

but then again if I don't go I can not study for those two tests that I have tomorrow...

hmmmmm.......

decisions decisions

Faking sick

yup. That's my grand old plan. Its going to be really really effective, too. I am sick of eating. I am just honestly sick of it. Trying to please others. Trying to convince myself that it's okay. It's not okay. I feel like a cow right now and that needs to change pronto.

I need to fast tomorrow. But to ensure that my family will not bug me I am just going to play sick for the day. AKA: free pass to lay around the house all day, sleep, and not eat. I know that makes me sound like such a lazy ass, but sometimes its really nice :)

Plus, I don't know if this applies to you guys too, but sometimes when I play sick I actually become sick. I know that sounds crazy, I do, but it has happened on multiple occasions. Maybe playing sick is just like telling my body its okay to give up and just let whatever could be in there take over. I really don't mind being sick. No school. No food. Pretty nice I say.

Also the other day...I think it was thursday....I told J that I was freaking out for the dentist and why and all that jazz and then later that night he told me he thinks it would be a good idea if I told my parents so I could get real help and get over this. And then he added that he needed to go to bed and that we "would talk about it tomorrow." It is saturday night. Hasn't mentioned it yet. This is actually a conversation that I would like to have, in honesty, to see what he has to say. Plus, if we're being honest, I like talking about it with him. I like feeling comforted. I like feeling safe. It's nice.

Mini Rant: I also just want to add that I fucking hate my drunk-ass parents. Get your lives together you fuck ups why the fuck are you always so fucking drunk you sound like a goddamned idiot i fucking hate you guys

xoxoxoxo
Elle

My hopes always rest on the illusion of tomorrow

tomorrow will be better, cleaner. Tomorrow I won't mess up. That's right, overnight I will transform from my worthless self to someone with control and poise. Therefore, tomorrow will be a wonderful day. I'm counting on it.

I ate dinner with a friend and his family tonight. Like, actual dinner. Came home, and there were freshly baked cookies and cupcakes. FML. Three cookies, one cupcake, and a giant glass of milk later, I want to purge so bad its not funny. However, I am trying very strongly to break that cycle because its a pain in the ass and i'd rather starve.

Also I've been throwing up my birth control which is causing a whole lot of problems for me.

Aderall

how i love you.

If only I didn't have to pay so much to buy you! No, I don't have ADD or ADHD (that i'm aware of anyways haha) but yes i do purchase it off of people at my school.

Loss of appetite? SURE

Super Productive? SURE

Energy? SURE

I LOVE THIS STUFF.

I literally have done like three days of schoolwork in a couple of hours. I feel so badass right now.

(is it pathetic that pumping out essays makes me feel badass? wow what a nerd)

xoxox
Elle

mwah ha ha

I lied my way through the dentist

only moments from being home from having my teeth cleaned I went into the kitchen, ate ice cream, and you guessed it, purged.

THATS RIGHT WORLD FUCK YOU I HAVE PREVAILED

i feel sick.

I must go to the gym. I'll add details to this later

__________________________________________________________________
UPDATE:

yeah so this binge and purge spiral has got to end. I'm really freaking over it. IT MAKES ME TIRED.
For example, going to the gym 10 minutes after flipping my stomach inside out= failure. Worst workout of my LIFEEEEEE. But whatever I lived.

Just ate a bowl of oatmeal. Considering purging. Kind of too tired. Actually that is a complete complete lie I feel like I have so much energy that i could run ten million marathons actually probably not i feel like i am plunging into some kind of manic episode to be honest and i keep laughing while im writing this which is strange because its not really funny i just feel really really hyper

also my gums are still bleeding from 7 hours ago when the dentist lady touched them. COOL I LOVE EATING MY BLOOD OM NOM NOM

hahhahahaahahah wow that was scary um i fjdalk fjda'f jdka' jaf a i dont have coherent thoughts IM GOINGG TO PAINT MY NAILS I LOVE THAT BYE

S.O.S. HELP HELP HELP

FUUUUUUCK  you guys i just fucked up I need help please please help me.

I went to the gym for two hours and felt amazing but the moment I walked in the door there was chocolate cake and then I ate it and then I had to take a shower and so I did and I purged in the shower and my sister totally heard it

I accidentally gagged kinda loud like a couple times and I try my hardest not to gag but sometimes its involuntary and I KNOW she heard because of the way she looked at me and the way she said "I've been waiting for the shower for a long time" because she had been listening

and she just got into the shower and I literally can hear her every move which means the water didn't cover it up like I thought it would

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

WHAT DO I DO I AM SCARED.

I know she is going to tell my parents and my parents said if they found out I was doing this again they would send me away
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

i am literally sobbing and typing at the same time.


AND HOLY FUCK NOOOOOOOO my mom just came in and told me that i have a dentist appointment tomorrow and that i can't skip it this time (i have been making excuses)

no, please, please, someone tell me that this is all just a bad dream. Any dentist that isn't retarded is going to be able to see that i am violently bulimic. My mouth is raw and bleeds.

this is the most horrible day of my life. so far. tomorrow will be worse.

i am so, so afraid. please please help me


Elle

This cycle better not be starting

I have binged and purged twice today so far. Once in the school bathroom and once into a trashbag.

My hands smell like fucking vomit no matter how many times I wash them I can still smell it and my stomach hurts. It feels like someone is stabbing me. Probably a result of my recent purge-fest.

FUCK MY LIFE.

I am going to see if I can buy some aderall tonight so that tomorrow I will be able to just fast, get some work done, break this cycle, and calm the hell down.

________________________________________________________________________________
Update:
just binged again. Fuck my life.

I wish I were dead

and sometimes, I really do.

God damnit. This has been a horrible night.

Ate a huge dinner. and birthday cake. Dad trying to take pictures of me eating birthday cake. Near tears. Shower.

Purging in shower.

Kneeling on the hard shower floor, throwing up and then smashing the pieces so that they'll fit down the drain. This is my life.

I feel like absolute shit like I just want to lay down and die. Actually no. That is too peaceful. I deserve to die a painful, painful death because that's what horrible people deserve. Horrible deaths.

I am greedy, disgusting,
an absolutely pathetic excuse for a human being.

I am fat and ugly and a waste of space.

Someone, please tell me what to do. Or silence it all. 




Elle




______________________________________________________________________________
UPDATE: A letter to myself.

Dear self,

You fat little bitch. I bet you liked that, hm? Taking big forkfuls of food and shoving them down your throat. I bet you liked that you fatty. How’s that belly? Are you expecting? Or are you just hugely obesely fat? Oh, just fat. Hm. If only you had self control like beautiful, thin women do. Too bad you’re weak. You want some more food fat girl? Careful when you walk to the kitchen I wouldn’t want your thunder thighs to start an earthquake. I bet you’ll smile when you see that food because fat people love food. And when you do smile, four more chins will appear on your face, right next to your big, round, puffy cheeks. Then you can grab that food with your chubby little fingers and shove it down the hole in your face. NOM NOM NOM I bet you like that fatty. Good luck ever being worth anything you trash. You disgusting, unclean, mass of fat tissue. I bet you’re unintelligent too. Because fat people like you are worthless. You dumbass. Speaking of asses, yours is huge. Why don’t you sit your giant ass down (hope you don’t break the chair fatty) and eat some more. You are dirty, sinful, and you’re going to hell for your incessant greed you devil. Not even God can see through what a horrible person you are HAVE FUN IN HELL WHORE.  

Love, 

Yourself

@##($)$#(@&#*(@_@

already binged today. DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT SAYING I TOLD YOU SO. I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT.

Oh my

I just feel sick. So, so sick. In my head and in my body. Just, everything is wrong.

I have eaten a lot today. I don't even know what. Just walking through the kitchen and shoving random handfuls of things in my mouth. So lame. And now I feel physically sick...probably because my body is not used to so much food all the time.

I am never going to be beautiful as I so desire. I will never be weightless and empty. I will never flutter in the wind, ethereal and light.

No. I am weighed down to this earth until I die.

I just want to give up. I just want to not care about anything and have this be the end of it all. But there are stupid little things and people that I've got to live on for. Unfortunately for me.

Tomorrow, I am starting something new.

I know this sounds extreme, and I know it seems like I'm setting myself up for failure. But before you bitch at me, just hear me out.

I am just not going to eat at all unless I absolutely must.

Aka- voluntary eating is totally totally gone.

NOW. Just so you know. I am still a teenager, and still live with my family. Therefore, most days I will have to eat dinner with them.

On school days I anticipate no breakfast/lunch/snacking and a possibility of dinner. On weekends, it all depends on where I am.

I am sick and tired of living this life halfway. Either I am going to give this shit up and live like a normal person, or I am going to fall hard and find thinness at the bottom.

So down the rabbit hole we go.


xoxox
Elle

GOD DAMNED MOTHER FUCKER

we didn't have time to get my dress yesterday and then my stepmother tells me like,

MID-FUCKING-BINGE THAT WE ARE GOING TONIGHT TO GET IT

AND SHE ALREADY TOLD J THAT HE COULD COME ALONG

SO NOW I HAVE TO TRY ON MY DRESS AFTER I HAVE EATEN A TON OF FOOD AND I'M GOING TO LOOK SUPER FAT IN IT AND J IS GOING TO THINK IM FAT AND MY FAMILY AND THE LADIES IN THE STORE ARE ALL GOING TO BE LIKE OH LOOK AT THAT FATTY TRYING TO LOOK PRETTY NICE TRY FATTY

AND NOW I DON'T KNOW WHETHER I SHOULD GO THROW UP OR IF THAT WILL JUST MAKE ME MORE BLOATED AND LOOK EVEN FATTER THAT BEFORE AND I DONT HAVE ANY LAXATIVES AND I DONT HAVE A CAR TO GO GET SOME

AND ON TOP OF THAT APPARENTLY WE ARE GOING OUT TO DINNER.

I DONT WANNA GO OUT TO DINNER YOU ASSHOLES RESTAURANT FOOD IS THE ABSOLUTE MOST FATTIEST DISGUSTING VOMIT INDUCING FOOD IN THE ENTIRE WORLD
FUUUUUCKKKKKKKK


FJDSAKL FJDASKL FJDSKLA'J FA'DS FJKDAL'DASFKLAJKL FJDSAJFD
SA


I LITERALLY JUST ATE LIKE 10 HANDFULS OF M&MS AND LIKE 8 COOKIES. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. 




I HATE THIS DAY WITH SUCH A GODDAMNED PASSION. 


UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH


______________________________________
Update: 12:09 am

That was literally probably the most fattening, calorie filled dinner of my life.

and as for earlier, I did purge and when I tried on my dress, I looked like a pregnant cow.

Then my stepmother assured me that I still had two months before the pageant to "do what I do" aka starve and purge. I swear she knows and just doesn't care.

Early

in the day I was thinking that I would write about the dizzy, room-spinning feeling that followed me throughout the day today. I was going to exclaim with a bit of hidden pride that I had been fasting for three days and that I was on a roll. I was going to to say my pageant dress fitting tomorrow wouldn't be so bad after all.

and then I had dinner with my family. Chicken and rice. I feel like a cow. DAMN IT. This just ruined a wonderfully wonderful day. I am just praying to God that I will still be smaller tomorrow and maybe if I drink a TON TON TON of water it will help. For some reason I always seem to resort to that after I eat. Does it really do anything? No idea. But it makes me think I am at least being proactive, and that calms me a bit.

Also I spoke with a girl (lets call her K) yesterday and she knew about my eating problems. How? I wondered. She said it was "painfully obvious." Darnit. However, she has known me for a long time and she was the one I ran to after I thought I was dying of ipecac overdose....so I think the general idea may have stemmed from there. Anyways, I'm not worried about her knowing, because she has admitted to me some issues of her own, and she is also trustworthy.

I feel odd knowing that when certain people look at me, they see this side of me. I just hope, so desperately, that it is not all they see.

One thing is for sure, its all I see.

xoxoxoxo
Elle





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UPDATE: 12:32 AM

I absolutely cannot sleep at all and I wish that I had someone next to me to talk to. I'm afraid that I'm going to be fat because of that dinner that I ate and I can't sleep at all. And also I think that one of the pipes in my bathroom is broken, no doubt from all of my vomit and if in fact it is broken all hell will break loose and everyone will know that I'm still screwed up.

and on top of this I'm not even thin WHY ARE'NT I THIN

I just want to see my ribs and my hipbones and my shoulder blades is that so much to ask? I just want them to stick out more so that I would be beautiful. I am willing to starve for them I just want my damn family off my back all the time.

and I have to get my pageant dress fitted tomorrow and I'm dreading it and I'm afraid that I will look like an absolute cow and my life will be over.

And my family wants to go out to dinner afterward and what am I supposed to do then, Hm? I HATE restaurants because everything on the menu is like 1000947382942423908 calories and I don't know what I am supposed to do.

I feel like I'm going to die of helplessness and fjaslk fjda jdalk jdasklfjdakl; I dont even know what to say except for that i keep coming onto my stupid blog because I feel so alone.

I'm going to go weigh myself like twenty times now.

goodnight. And by goodnight I mean I'll probably never fall asleep unless I use some kind of meds

Elle

So it finally happened.

J and I finally talked about it.

Though I was speaking with my body and voice shaking a little, I pretty much explained that I can't go on this way and I know it. He said what I'd assumed, that he didn't know what to do. But that he would do everything he could. He asked me if I wanted his help and I nodded. Though I'm afraid that he won't understand that wanting something in concept is one thing. Yes, I want to live a life free of all of this mentally fucked up shit, but no, I don't want to eat and no I don't want to get fat and no I don't want to change the way I live. So, I don't know how to explain that.

But I don't have any regrets with him knowing. I know I can trust him.

My computer is so lame.

and I have to go get it fixed. When I will be back? Not sure. Shouldn't be long. But no, I was not forced into treatment and no, I did not die.

for now, anyways.


xoxoxoxoxox
Elle