???

apparently green tea is supposed to be good for you. too bad it tastes like fuck.

I was thinking earlier today how pathetic my blog is, in so many ways. However, this particular rant refers to a particular aspect of the pathetic nature of my blog. My writing. I have always loved english, and it has always been my favorite subject. However, I noticed that when I write on this blog, I tend to just allow my word-vomit to pour on the page, swearing like a sailor, and sounding essentially uneducated. I would like to apologize to you for this. But I also want to tell you to suck it because nothing is going to change hahaha.

I have such a headache right now. I always have headaches. I don't like headaches. bleh.

I am spending New Years with J and i am glad because there is honestly no place I would rather begin my year than with my best friend in the world. He is the best. I just want you all to know that.

Today a friend of mine told me that I'm addicted to him. And I know that she's right. But you can never have enough of a good thing, right?

OH. okay- someone tell me if this happens to them- I ALWAYS think we are having an earthquake. I live in an area where there are earthquakes, but I honestly think I feel them every day. I think I might just be swaying when I stand haha. But its really wierd.

I am kind of just letting my thoughts splat onto this post and its getting boring so I'm going to get on with my life. I should be reading Anna Karinena because I promised myself I would reread it over break, but somehow I always end up reading Wasted instead. hehe. guilty pleasure.

Elle

KILL ME

or I will do it myself. UGH I feel so fat. And feeling fat makes me feel cheap and dirty and disgusting and worthless.

I ate a yogurt today and a marshmallow (I don't know why either so don't ask) and I think I'm pretty much done for the day. I also went to the gym and worked out really hard to the point that I was lightheaded enough to stumble out to my car in a near-hyperventilation...but whatever. ITS WORTH IT.

My goal for 2011: become inhuman.

Mirror

I am silver and exact. I have no preconceptions.
Whatever I see, I swallow immediately.
Just as it is, unmisted by love or dislike
I am not cruel, only truthful –
The eye of a little god, four-cornered.
Most of the time I meditate on the opposite wall.
It is pink, with speckles. I have looked at it so long
I think it is a part of my heart. But it flickers.
Faces and darkness separate us over and over.

Now I am a lake. A woman bends over me.
Searching my reaches for what she really is.
Then she turns to those liars, the candles or the moon.
I see her back, and reflect it faithfully
She rewards me with tears and an agitation of hands.
I am important to her. She comes and goes.
Each morning it is her face that replaces the darkness.
In me she has drowned a young girl, and in me an old woman
Rises toward her day after day, like a terrible fish.

-Sylvia Plath

I am so disappointed with myself

that I'm not who I so wish to be.

That today I ate ice cream and then after such a good time of not purging, I purged. And knowing my pathetic self I'll probably spiral into a bulimic craze.

and you're probably sitting there thinking well, she had it coming. Nothing like a good old self-fulling prophecy, eh?

WELL GUESS WHAT? Having faith in myself isn't exactly working out

FUCK MY LIFE.

I feel like a damn cow and I have to get weighed at the doctor's office tomorrow and last time I was there I was at the height of my starvation period and I was THIN, DAMNIT and shes probably going to comment on how ive gotten FATTER.

AND THEN I COULD DIE...just hearing those words.

*sigh*

I am going to the gym in the morning for a HARD workout. I am going to sweat and burn. sweat and burn.

To be clean and pure...

I have been drinking lots and  lots of lemon water and it seems to be working well. I think I may add green tea as another option.

Hi, my name is Elle and I live off green tea and lemon water. :)

Plan = fail

the amusement park was a disaster. I feel so fat and bloated and sick and horrible.

I am starting a lemon-water fast to cleanse my system of all this shit.

and on top of it I have to go to the doctor for a physical in two days. I hate my life.

Elle

Wake up in the morning...

not really feeling like P. Diddy if you know what I'm saying. Despite my no food and gym yesterday, I wake up and I"m (WHAT?) FATTER than I was yesterday.

That. Is. So. Uncool.

UGHHHHHHHHHH *frustration*

I want to be SKINNY. Okay, okay. ITS FINE. Maybe if I fast today I'll lose some. Okay. That's what I'm doing.

OH! And here is another dilema: this afternoon my family and I are driving to an amusement park. Tonight, we are staying at a hotel and tomorrow we will be in the park all day.

Being with family all day + amusement park food = DISASTER

So i've developed a plan.

I already know for a fact that my family wants to get In 'n Out on the way there (popular fast food restaurant) which is not not not not not going to happen. However, lucky for me, I hated that crap even in my childhood, so me skipping out on this meal wouldn't seem....out of the ordinary. They will, however, demand that I eat. So, my plan for dinner is to take a pack of instant oatmeal with me to the hotel. I will make half the packet (85 cals) with water and everyone will be happy.

(so actually i suppose that isn't fasting. so scratch that)

THEN. Tomorrow in the amusement park. This is going to be a tough one. IF I AM LUCKY, I think J may join us on this little trip. Then, if he does, I'm sure we can 'break off' from the group and I can avoid meals as skillfully as possible. I can always find a way out of eating with J, even though he doesn't like it, he can't force me like my family can.

I think this plan will probably work :) I feel confident enough. Oh, and I'll be walking all day tomorrow and going on rollarcoasters...which is AMAZING.

xoxoxoxo
Elle

Just as a side note...

RIGHT after I started reading Wasted, it started pouring rain. It definitely was NOT supposed to rain today at all...I think its a sign....of a new beginning :)

Also, I had the compulsive urge to clean out every drawer and surface and container of my room. Purging the bad and useless and leaving it clean and meticulously organized, just the way I like it.

*sigh* oh my this feels so good. I know in a clean environment, I will be happier. Plus, now that I'm awake much longer, I am burning more calories than if I were sleeping...which is good. It's 2:12 am and i am wide wide wide awake. I have a feeling I will be cleaning for a while hehe.

Love
Elle

IM BACK BITCHES!!!!!!!!!!!!

and in full-swing let me tell you.

Why haven't I written? Well mostly because i thought that nobody gave a shit enough to notice whether I was writing or not, and it truely lifted my spirits when I noticed that somebody noticed that I was gone.

:D

SO HERE IS THE DEALIO:
hahaha no- I am not any skinnier. But, thanks for asking anyways.

CHRISTMAS IS OVER!!!!!!!!! As much as I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE J'ADORE christmas, it is the time of tubby tummies and it is over. Tomorrow I am starting a fast. I don't know how long this fast will last, and to me it doesnt really matter. All that matters is that I DO fast (with the exception of tea and water) for as long as I possibly can.

NOW-
to all my darlings: I am sorry that I have abandoned you!!! for ten days. So here is a little recap of my life:
- car broke- therefore stranded in my home
- daydreamed
- wallowed in my own pathetic misery
- ate
- had christmas

That was pretty much how my life went since I've been gone.

Oh yeah and I bought some adderall of a girl at my school and ABSOLUTELY aced like three tests. I'm trying to get a 4.5 GPA this semester!!!!!!!!! That is, if I don't decide that I randomly don't care and stop trying (*cough* never happened before)

I haven't weighed myself in about 6 days. It has been EATING ME ALIVE not knowing. But I'm also scared that what I find will be absolutely awful so I'm not weighing myself until after I fast for at least one day. That way, I will know that something is being done about it and I will be calmer.

LOLA!!!!!! I feel so bad that I was your homepage and I never wrote anything! I'm sorry m'dear. I still love you I promise.

I am going to begin my inspiration by reading Wasted because its my favorite book and always puts me in a good fasting mood.

I am on break right now from school and I go back on the 3rd of january. For some reason, I just want to look noticebly thinner when I get back.
Also, winter formal is coming up, and I NEED to look good in a dress. I haven't purchased a dress yet, because i am such a COW that it's not like I would fit into one anyways...or at least feel good about it.

Oh! and guess what? It's almost the new year.

FIRST AND FOREMOST!
I would like to recognize that the cliche of "I'm going to lose weight in the new year" makes me want to kill people, but- I'm going to lose weight in the new year. so....yeah. deal with it.

I PROMISE I will be on more often :))))))))))))

<3 <3 <3
Elle

I HATE PEOPLE

i honestly just want to live in solitude and not have to deal with anyone. People are greedy and ignorant and ready to steal whatever they can get their greasy paws on at the expense of whoever may lie in their path.

sick world we live in and i don't want to live on it anymore.

When I grow up...

I will cheat and lie to my friends, to my parents, but most of all, to myself.

When I grow up I will starve myself. I will be a sculptor and chip away at myself until there is nothing left. I love my bones. I want them to pop out and say hello.

I am ready.

Something awful happened to me. I ate chocolate, a lot of chocolate.

Then the next day I stepped on the scale to find a number so horrible, so evil, so incredibly bone-chilling that I swore I would never look at it again.

Yet here I am, fat as a cow, looking at the cursed number.

I have officially lost my mind. And its about time, honestly. You can't starve with sanity.

Elle

DAMN

I ate food like...all day. I am fasting tomorrow. END OF STORY.

Loneliness is like fog.

It hangs over you in such a bleak, unavoidable manner. It's a blanket of sadness that makes your limbs suddenly heavy, hanging off your body and dragging you down.

Gravity pulls you to the ground. You can fight it, but in the end, gravity will win. We'll all end up motionless, on the ground.

I just watched the notebook. As much as I adore that movie, it only leaves me feeling unloved and alone.

A few minutes ago, I stretched my arms out, and blacked out. I landed next to a chair in my living room. Now I have a horrible headache. And I'm alone.

I feel so empty. So numb.

I feel so, so sick. It's death.

Oh....this is bad.

I had a bad day. 


I was fine until I got home from school. At that time I proceeded to eat:


A giant bowl of vanilla ice cream
like 10 chocolate chip cookies (no I'm not exaggerating)
A Bagel covered in butter and cinnamon sugar
A peanut butter sandwich
Pancakes with butter and syrup
Bacon
Hash Browns with ketchup
Grapefruit
Celery


This was all within....maybe an hour? 


I LOST IT OKAY.


"I am in blood stepp'd so far, that should I wade no more, Returning were as tedious as go'er"-Macbeth


I hate getting myself into deep shit. Tangled in lies and fuck-ups so deep that you really can't go back. Not even in an effort to make it right. All you can do is continue lying until....who knows.


Elle

I am content with this day.

I did eat, but really not much.

and I am going to the gym.

and I didn't die today.

Verdict = success.

Inhale, Exhale, Go out into the World.

okay. Everything is going to be fine. I'm just going to give the presentation and then I'm done! It will be no big deal at all. I spent a lot of time writing what I will say and it's fine.

And this morning I was almost down two pounds from yesterday morning. Hell to the YES. AH! It makes me so so so so so so so happy.

I am hoping that today I can also incorporate the gym into my day. Because if I eat nothing AND workout, that's really going to boost my metabolism and then I can lose more faster. I am confident that I will not screw up today. :)

xoxoxoxox
Elle