Update

I don't have a lot of time to write, but I've been doing very well. I haven't binged and purged in about three weeks, and I am happy. I still have food issues, but I opened up to someone I trust, and things are looking up for me. I think of you all often and hope you are happy <3

BAHAHAHAHA

okay this is a little window into my life:

Wasn't sure if I should purge dinner because then I would probably throw up the handful of laxatives I took like 20 mins before dinner.

Purging or laxies? The ultimate question.

Advice?

Alright. Tomorrow is the day that I'm supposed to meet up with J's mother and admit my life story.

ummmmmmm not feelin too hot about this, to be honest.

Like- what I am going to accomplish here? She's not a doctor, what can she possibly do? Is it fair to just dump this problem on another person? What if I'm not committed to getting better? What am I expecting to get out of this conversation? Pity? What if she tells my parents behind my back? What if she pushes food on me all the time? What if she starts crying? What if she gets mad? Too many questions. I think I'll just back out. Honestly, I just can't handle people getting all emotional around me. It's too intense.

Yay getting skinny

I have subsided today on like 5 saltine crackers and water. YAY.

Phew. That's a lotta barf.

Ive been throwing up for like 4 days straight. That is honestly all i've been doing. Not studying, not being with my friends, just vomiting.

First I binge. Then I purge until I gag and am throwing up bile. Then I lay down, dizzy and tired. After about 40 minutes or so I'll want some kind of food again. I contemplate it for a while, and then drag my ass into the kitchen to snatch as much food as I can without my parents noticing, go back into my room and eat it in front of the mirror.

repeat.


for hours, and hours on end. I am so, so tired. My chest hurts.

I am going to "talk" with j's mother this sunday. Like i said before, he thinks I need to talk to an adult about it but he also knows that I can't trust my family. So I'm going to talk to his mom. I think she can take it. I don't know how its going to go.

I just hope they don't think that just because I tell someone means I'm through. How do I tell them that this is my life? Nobody in the real world understands us, girls. We've got to stick together <3

I'm really hungry. Very, very hungry. I want to go to sleep but I'm honestly that hungry that I can't.

Maybe when I wake up, I'll weigh less. That would be ideal.

For some reason I also feel nauseated...which is weird since there's no food in there.

I officially have less than one month until my pageant. This is absolutely crunch time. If I am this weight in a pageant, I will lose.
1) because fat girls don't win beauty pageants
2) I'll feel so shitty about myself that I just won't perform well

Last pageant I weighed 10lbs less than I do now. I am determined to lose that by then and more. I think I can do this guys.

I am such an uncommitted blogger lately. Sorry I'm so lame, I just don't have too much to say. What can I say, really? Yes I am still disgusting and I wake up everyday thinking fuck you fat whore. Not exactly newsworthy.