READ THIS NOW.

alright so here's the deal. Went to the gym and worked out hard. Went in the sauna for a ridiculously unhealthy amount of time thinking you dumb bitch you deserve to suffer and had the intention of staying in there, sweating, until I thought I was dying. And I did. Got out the door before I passed out on the cold tile. Eventually calmed a spectator and made it to my car. Started hyperventilating while driving. Worst panic attack in the history of my life. Couldn't breathe, very blurry/starry vision. First my hands went numb (not ideal for driving) and soon my whole body. I eventually pulled over and tried to breathe/drifted in and out of consciousness for a few minutes. Eventually calmed down. Drove home with a vacant, frozen mind. In a panic I called J. and i told him. He knows about this stuff anyways. And of course, like every time it comes up, he just talks about how he doesn't know what he can personally do for me and how I need professional help. And like every time, I say I know, I just can't stop. I'm sorry. I'm scared. and we talk about it. And then the next day we don't talk about it. Normally we only talk about it when I'm coughing blood onto my hands or passing out on the ground. But this time he seems determined. He keeps pushing how, if I absolutely cannot tell my parents to get real help, at least to talk to some kind of adult. Unfortunately, due to my incredible trust issues, I do not have any of those. Except for his mom. I like her, and she cares about me like a normal mother. Not a psychotic mother or a drunk mother, but a nurturing, good-intentioned mother. So J is insisting that next time I come over, I talk with her. And I accepted that. I feel like it could be good...? I dunno. I think I like the idea of her talking to me. There is something about her that is warm and caring and makes me feel like I don't have to be ashamed.
And let me tell you, I am ashamed.
I told J that it would be really difficult for me to start such a conversation and he said "fine. then I'll just walk in the room and say 'mom, elle is a raging bulimic and needs help.' and then leave."
Raging bulimic? I was taken back by that a little. Is that really how he thinks of me. Is that what i really am? Goddamn truth, how I hate to face you.

I am so fatigued

from working for nine freaking hours. my god. Also I ate minimally all day, which I was happy with. Then I got home from work and ate a normal(ish) sized dinner that I promptly threw up. You know what's strange though? I came home from work pissy and uptight and after purging I am so calm and relaxed. I know that can't be healthy hahahaha. oh well.

BAHAHA this is my life. how comical.

I woke up this morning, the image of my skinnier self still prominent in my mind, thinking, I will not eat today. I will be thin. Then, I went to school. Got home AND ATE EVERYTHING. Like, holy shit. Threw up. Thought about things. Stood up, blacked out. Laid on the floor. Ate dinner with my family. Threw up a lot. Went to pick my sister up from sports practice.

And you know what happened? I realized something. J called me right after I purged all of dinner and I just couldn't stop laughing and giggle and smiling and having such a wonderful moment. I know its not normal, but throwing up makes me feel high as a kite. And you know what else? I always play music when I'm purging to help cover the noise, and sometimes I glance in the mirror and realize that i've been dancing a little...like while I throw up. Like, what the HELL KIND OF BRAIN DO I HAVE? And contrary to the capital letters, I am actually laughing. I think I'm to the point where I realize that I am completely insane and i'm okay with that.

Strange world we live in, that's for sure.

Just saw a picture of myself from exactly a year ago today. I look so much thinner. I will be that again. I promise.

Control, Control, I can see your shadow

and I will follow you until i capture you once and for all.

My next beauty pageant is in exactly one month. I am ten pounds heavier than i was when I competed last year. FUCK ME.

Here is the plan: I just had another meltdown/purge fest. Now I am going to go to the gym and burn off anything that somehow managed to stay in my system. Then tomorrow I will fast. All I can have is coffee (black) and water. The day after that will be handled when it comes. I am just going to make immediate plans for now because I tend to screw up when I plan too much.

All I know now is that I am empty and it feels so good. I will retain this emptiness. I will be strong. I will be thin for this pageant.

I will, and no one can stop me.

Everything is just falling apart

my family constantly yells at me for being inadequate, often in a drunken rage. my stepsister decided she doesn't want to be a part of my family and is moving full time with her mom. J is going to ask out that nasty whore skank bitch that I hate and probably ignore me.

Also I am still fat and I still hate myself beyond belief. And i've been doing some damn stupid things. my grades are slipping (steeply), i never sleep, i cry ALL THE TIME because im PATHETIC, and i pretty much have no recollection as to what happiness ever was.

I had a complete and epic meltdown like an hour ago. Ate some pie. threw up. finally a moment of calm. vomiting does that for me. Thats normal, right?

But honestly who fucking cares.

and i have to get another pageant dress tomorrow and im SO FUCKING FAT that i am going to look horrid in all of them.

FML.

I just want to die. Just to waste away into nothingness. Just lean back, arms outstretched, and let the wind take me away.

FUCK THIS

I AM JUST SO MAD AND ANGRY AND SAD AND HURT AND EVERYTHING

J is about to start dating this girl that i ABSOLUTELY DESPISE AND HAVE ALWAYS HATED BECAUSE SHE IS A STUPID, INDECENT, TRASHY, TRAILERPARK WHORE AND SHE SHOULD DIE.

Everytime I think about her I want to vomit. But I cant because I can't eat because of the image of her face in my mind.

FUCK

and DONT YOU DARE SAY IM JEALOUS because im not. I JUST FUCKING HATE HER.

Dreaming

in my dream last night, I wandered about familiar places. Everyone was committing crimes. Some horrible, horrible crimes and others just simple wrongdoings. I walked, seemingly unnoticed, and watched the people I love ruin their lives. (and for some reason it was all in french) Confused, I approached a man, as he continued to cut down every tree in sight, and asked him, qu'est que tu fait? He looked at me angrily and said nothing. I said est-ce ce que tu veux, monsieur? again, only silence. I said, comme tu veux, monsieur, comme tu veux. I then wandered about my school campus, watching my loves make dire mistakes and muttering to myself, comme tu veux, comme tu veux. 


The repetition is what I remember the most. Helpless, trying to convince myself that it is alright.

Passing thoughts

A rush of emotion envelops my mind in a flaring moment of passion- tensions high- like a sandstorm sweeping the planes. But after such a storm, the desert is left baron, empty. In these moments I have to thoughts, vision blurred, body present while soul has left, searching. I suppose it is a result of this neural vacancy that all physical feelings seem more intense. The pendant on my necklace which I seem to perpetually cling to, is my only focus- the noise of it dragging along the silver chain is all I hear. On one side, smooth and slick, my finger slides. I flip it over, and the jewels press their geometries into my skin. I think to myself, perhaps I am connected to this body after all.
and music.
The soft noises, sweet like the zephyr wind, replace the humming silence in your mind. Suddenly a voice in your head whispers to you its secrets and truths and, soon, you begin to believe that those are your secrets and truths, too. Maybe, you think, there is someone out there who knows you- someone who can remind you of who you are or was. But until then, I will fill my head with their voices so that I, chained to the earth by gravity, can at least dream of the ethereal.

Everything is wrong. Everything.

I am perpetually filled with regret.

THIS IS STRANGE

okay so I had this huge math test today and my friend and I both hadn't paid attention for the whole chapter so we went to her house and took a lot of concerta and then learned EVERYTHING and did a SHIT TON of work but it didn't wear off for a really long time so I didn't fall asleep until 4am and I wake up at 530 am so I only slept for an hour and a half but I feel really hyper still which is quite strange and I just feel so FUCKING HAPPY ABOUT EVERYTHING HOLY CRAP

I just feel energetic and everything is HILARIOUS

Free Me.

Please. Let me feel these weights lifted from my shoulders, my wrists freed of your shackles.

The thing that plagues my life endlessly, day after day: desire. For everything. For nothing. There will always be a hole that I need to fill, a flaw I need to compensate for. I am eternally, perpetually incomplete.

Always searching. Always in debt.

I am running in quicksand. Always falling, always struggling.

There are so many things that I want.....to possess, to become, to appear. But its all too much. All of these desires rush at me like water down a hill and I, I am the drain. I try to take as much water as I can but soon it will be too much, and I won't work anymore. I will drown in my own wishes.

"I have a passion for life that could paradoxically kill as if to say- I need everything, so I shall have nothing"
-the beautiful amanda

Calmez vous she says

I am fine. Everything is fine.

In the world of "Fine" everything is neat and tidy. Everything is in its place and the world is calm. I am fine, for now.

I had late start today at school, and I don't have to be there until 10:45am. So while other students all get together and have breakfast at some restaurant, I go alone to the gym and run. And run. And run.

So far today I have eaten a rice cake (35 calories) and don't feel much motivation to eat anything else. Ideally, I could have some afternoon coffee (10 calories) and maybe a bit of oatmeal for dinner (150 calories)

I would be quite content with that. Let's see how it goes.

I KNEW YOU'D LEAVE.

I KNEW IT. I know it. You will. You'll leave me. You'll decide that this is all too much and then you'll leave me. After you PROMISED YOU WOULDN"T LEAVE ME YOU WILL. That's what you're saying. Don't think I don't know what you're doing.

BUT YOU CAN'T. YOU JUST FUCKING CAN'T. DONT YOU SEE HOW MUCH I NEED YOU? HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU?

I'll die without you.

I know that I put you through a lot being all deranged and needing you all the time but OH EXCUSE ME FOR NEEDING YOU. I'M SORRY, OKAY? I'll try not to be such a pain in the ass, really I will.

Please, please don't leave. Please tell me you love me and you'll never leave. never ever.

LENT

I am giving up sugar. Which is amazing because that's where I blow all my calories so PRETTY MUCH WHAT I'M SAYING IS THAT I'M GOING TO BE SUPER SKINNY AND IT WILL BE AMAZING


oh yeah and i've been purging all evening. oopsie daisy.

Another day in the neighborhood

of carbtown, that is.

Btw Amanda- I literally lol'd when I read your comment.

I just eat so much. All the time. Its CRAAAAAYYYYYYZZZZZEEEEEEEEE

fjkdsal; fjdoaps; fjdioa 'jfkds' jfkdsl jk I feel really REALLY HYPER

Also J is all mad at me because i want to party this weekend and he doesn't like it when I do that. But its really fucking stupid to get mad about it because I don't do it ALL THE TIME I do it ON OCCASION so it shouldn't be a big deal! But he's making me feel all fucking guilty and giving me the silent treatment. And then I feel fucking bad because its only because he loves me and then he does the DAMN PUPPYDOG FACE and i feel BAD but the other part of me is like SHUT IT AND LET ME HAVE FUN.

Carbtown.

yup. That is where I live. In Carbtown I sit around and eat carbs all day. Then I drink a lot of water and let the carbs expand and cry because I look fat.

The End.

Feet hurt

i had job training from 550 am to 3 pm. It is a very physical job and let me tell you, I am pooped. I probably burned a lot of calories though.

In the morning I didn't eat anything then on my "break" I ate maybe a third of an 80 calorie yogurt. Then on my "lunch break" (after 5 hours of running around) I told myself if was okay to eat a bit. I was soooo hungry and I still had three more hours of work to go. So I had a lean cuisine and an apple. I felt a little guilty, so to make up for it I am not having dinner. my parents are out and told me to "just make whatever you want for yourself". so I want air.

FUCK I AM SUCH A SCREW UP

i thought that the due date for financial aid for college was tomorrow but i just learned that it was yesterday which means that i am no longer eligible which means I CAN'T FUCKING PAY FOR COLLEGE

GOD DAMNIT WHY AM I SUCH A FUCKING LOSER WHY DIDN'T I FUCKING KNOW FUCK FUCK FUCK I JUST FUCKED UP SO BAD I FEEL LIKE MY LIFE IS OVER

iwishiwasdeadiwishiwasdeadiwishiwasdead

Meh.

that's pretty much how I feel.

I ate some things I wish I didn't. Not too much. I considered purging. Went into the bathroom, rolled up my sleeves, put two fingers in my mouth...and stopped.

No I thought. You don't need to do this. And I didn't. I went into bed and thought about how I was probably getting fatter by the second, but I didn't purge and that's the most important thing.

And I went to the gym so hopefully that will help.

Also I got a job. Just part time, nothing big. Its at an place where you board your pets when you go on vacation. So pretty much my weekends will consist of 8 hour shifts of me running around. Maybe it will make me skinnier.

Hopefully.


OH MY GOODNESS. I forgot to tell you.

Yesterday: Driving home from school the same way I do everyday and have for four years. I am maybe 1/5 of a mile away from school when, all of a sudden, I have no idea where I am. Not exaggerating. No idea. I panic because all of a sudden I am lost, thinking oh my god. I have no idea how do get home. I have no idea where I live. WHERE DO I LIVE? I drove maybe a 1/2 mile to a mile thinking this when suddenly I remembered and continued on my way. But it was freaky.
THEN:
this morning:
woke up at 4am and looked at the clock. Confusion. Lots of confusion. Stared at the clock thinking what do those symbols mean? I know they mean something, something important. WHAT DO THEY MEAN?? I stared at the clock for about fifteen minutes once i'd realized that it was just the time, and I'd wasted a whole lot of it trying to figure that out. Returned to sleep.

I am worried this will become common. Is it normal to forget things like this? I feel like the answer is no. I feel like its definitely a no. But there is nothing I can do about that I suppose.

xoxoxo
Elle

I am Indifferent about the successfulness/failure of this day.

Isn't that always the way though? A day has to be this or that good or bad. Everything around here is in black and white.

You're either good enough or you're not. There is no such this as being 'alright.'

Perfection and imperfection.

Today I did not eat anything until lunchtime when I had to get something from my car. There, hidden in the backseat where I'd left it, was the packed lunch my stepmother sent me with. Inside, I very well knew, were gummy sharks. Delicious little things from my childhood. I ate them in the car, though there were only a couple in the bag, frantically glancing out the window to make sure nobody could see me. I don't like eating around other people. It scares me.

Later, I ate a couple of wheat thins.

I gave the rest to a classmate of mine who noted, "You look so skinny. Have you been losing weight?"

"I don't know," I replied. And through my lying teeth I said "I don't weigh myself that often." When she took the wheat thins she continued by saying, "What's wrong with it?"

"The food?" I replied. "Nothing, I didn't even touch it."

"No," she said. "Why won't you eat it. You never eat."

I laughed it off in a rather convincing way and went about my day. My day, by the way, was nothing but trying to ignore everyone staring at my chest due to the fact that I wore a dress that was a wee bit lower-cut and a wee bit shorter than I remembered it. But, oh well. I lived.

Then when I got home, I had a friend over because we were working on a french project. My stepmom had brought home baked goods from a bakery and for some strange reason, I just was like okay OM NOM NOM. 
I ate one cookie and one brownie. Not ideal in the least, but I will live.

My parents were picking up dinner and asked if I wanted anything. I told them I would make a frozen dinner at home.
Friend leaves.
Take the frozen dinner, shove it in the microwave thinking please please hurry up and cook so I can do this before anyone comes home


Snatched it out of the microwave, my fingers burning from the steam, and dumped it all straight into the garbage disposal before I even had a moment to be tempted. Now I am sitting in my room, the empty food container next to me in an oh, yes I just ate this whole dinner here in my room only a moment ago, you just missed it! kind of way.

So overall, this day was alright. I wish that the pastry incident had not occurred, but I know the fullness that I feel now (partially due to the fact that I have been chugging water to "flush it out") will soon be gone and then I will be calm.

I hope you all are doing well.


Much love
Elle

Just Another Day in Hell

Screw this. I've been eating again today. Less, but still too much.

I hid my dinner in a plastic bag and I hid the plastic bag in my drawer and it smells like shit. Gotta wait for a safe time to throw it away.

Plan that will save my sanity:
Wake up
Drink liter of water
go to school
drink another liter at school
come home
drink liter
sleep
do homework
push dinner around plate
water
bed

I think its a solid plan. I really, really do.

I want to cuddle with someone. I love snuggling. I like feeling like someone is going to take care of me. Like its all going to be okay because I'm not alone anymore.



But I am alone. I'm always alone.