I am Indifferent about the successfulness/failure of this day.

Isn't that always the way though? A day has to be this or that good or bad. Everything around here is in black and white.

You're either good enough or you're not. There is no such this as being 'alright.'

Perfection and imperfection.

Today I did not eat anything until lunchtime when I had to get something from my car. There, hidden in the backseat where I'd left it, was the packed lunch my stepmother sent me with. Inside, I very well knew, were gummy sharks. Delicious little things from my childhood. I ate them in the car, though there were only a couple in the bag, frantically glancing out the window to make sure nobody could see me. I don't like eating around other people. It scares me.

Later, I ate a couple of wheat thins.

I gave the rest to a classmate of mine who noted, "You look so skinny. Have you been losing weight?"

"I don't know," I replied. And through my lying teeth I said "I don't weigh myself that often." When she took the wheat thins she continued by saying, "What's wrong with it?"

"The food?" I replied. "Nothing, I didn't even touch it."

"No," she said. "Why won't you eat it. You never eat."

I laughed it off in a rather convincing way and went about my day. My day, by the way, was nothing but trying to ignore everyone staring at my chest due to the fact that I wore a dress that was a wee bit lower-cut and a wee bit shorter than I remembered it. But, oh well. I lived.

Then when I got home, I had a friend over because we were working on a french project. My stepmom had brought home baked goods from a bakery and for some strange reason, I just was like okay OM NOM NOM. 
I ate one cookie and one brownie. Not ideal in the least, but I will live.

My parents were picking up dinner and asked if I wanted anything. I told them I would make a frozen dinner at home.
Friend leaves.
Take the frozen dinner, shove it in the microwave thinking please please hurry up and cook so I can do this before anyone comes home


Snatched it out of the microwave, my fingers burning from the steam, and dumped it all straight into the garbage disposal before I even had a moment to be tempted. Now I am sitting in my room, the empty food container next to me in an oh, yes I just ate this whole dinner here in my room only a moment ago, you just missed it! kind of way.

So overall, this day was alright. I wish that the pastry incident had not occurred, but I know the fullness that I feel now (partially due to the fact that I have been chugging water to "flush it out") will soon be gone and then I will be calm.

I hope you all are doing well.


Much love
Elle