I woke up this morning, the image of my skinnier self still prominent in my mind, thinking, I will not eat today. I will be thin. Then, I went to school. Got home AND ATE EVERYTHING. Like, holy shit. Threw up. Thought about things. Stood up, blacked out. Laid on the floor. Ate dinner with my family. Threw up a lot. Went to pick my sister up from sports practice.
And you know what happened? I realized something. J called me right after I purged all of dinner and I just couldn't stop laughing and giggle and smiling and having such a wonderful moment. I know its not normal, but throwing up makes me feel high as a kite. And you know what else? I always play music when I'm purging to help cover the noise, and sometimes I glance in the mirror and realize that i've been dancing a little...like while I throw up. Like, what the HELL KIND OF BRAIN DO I HAVE? And contrary to the capital letters, I am actually laughing. I think I'm to the point where I realize that I am completely insane and i'm okay with that.
Strange world we live in, that's for sure.
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