God damnit. This has been a horrible night.
Ate a huge dinner. and birthday cake. Dad trying to take pictures of me eating birthday cake. Near tears. Shower.
Purging in shower.
Kneeling on the hard shower floor, throwing up and then smashing the pieces so that they'll fit down the drain. This is my life.
I feel like absolute shit like I just want to lay down and die. Actually no. That is too peaceful. I deserve to die a painful, painful death because that's what horrible people deserve. Horrible deaths.
I am greedy, disgusting,
an absolutely pathetic excuse for a human being.
I am fat and ugly and a waste of space.
Someone, please tell me what to do. Or silence it all.
Elle
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UPDATE: A letter to myself.
Dear self,
You fat little bitch. I bet you liked that, hm? Taking big forkfuls of food and shoving them down your throat. I bet you liked that you fatty. How’s that belly? Are you expecting? Or are you just hugely obesely fat? Oh, just fat. Hm. If only you had self control like beautiful, thin women do. Too bad you’re weak. You want some more food fat girl? Careful when you walk to the kitchen I wouldn’t want your thunder thighs to start an earthquake. I bet you’ll smile when you see that food because fat people love food. And when you do smile, four more chins will appear on your face, right next to your big, round, puffy cheeks. Then you can grab that food with your chubby little fingers and shove it down the hole in your face. NOM NOM NOM I bet you like that fatty. Good luck ever being worth anything you trash. You disgusting, unclean, mass of fat tissue. I bet you’re unintelligent too. Because fat people like you are worthless. You dumbass. Speaking of asses, yours is huge. Why don’t you sit your giant ass down (hope you don’t break the chair fatty) and eat some more. You are dirty, sinful, and you’re going to hell for your incessant greed you devil. Not even God can see through what a horrible person you are HAVE FUN IN HELL WHORE.
Love,
Yourself
This makes me so sad. 1, because I really believe you are beautiful and lovely and wish you could see it. 2, because you write like me, and get angry like me, and I understand that feeling so well right now and I totally know how shit itt is and how it seems like we will always eat and purge and when will someone save us cos we dont think we deserve to save ourselves, right?
ReplyDeleteI wish I could hug you. I would whisper in your ear that there is a day ahead of us where we can be free of this and smile. I don't know when or how, but hope tells me so in the flickering moments of its existence xx