Oh my

I just feel sick. So, so sick. In my head and in my body. Just, everything is wrong.

I have eaten a lot today. I don't even know what. Just walking through the kitchen and shoving random handfuls of things in my mouth. So lame. And now I feel physically sick...probably because my body is not used to so much food all the time.

I am never going to be beautiful as I so desire. I will never be weightless and empty. I will never flutter in the wind, ethereal and light.

No. I am weighed down to this earth until I die.

I just want to give up. I just want to not care about anything and have this be the end of it all. But there are stupid little things and people that I've got to live on for. Unfortunately for me.

Tomorrow, I am starting something new.

I know this sounds extreme, and I know it seems like I'm setting myself up for failure. But before you bitch at me, just hear me out.

I am just not going to eat at all unless I absolutely must.

Aka- voluntary eating is totally totally gone.

NOW. Just so you know. I am still a teenager, and still live with my family. Therefore, most days I will have to eat dinner with them.

On school days I anticipate no breakfast/lunch/snacking and a possibility of dinner. On weekends, it all depends on where I am.

I am sick and tired of living this life halfway. Either I am going to give this shit up and live like a normal person, or I am going to fall hard and find thinness at the bottom.

So down the rabbit hole we go.


xoxox
Elle