Early

in the day I was thinking that I would write about the dizzy, room-spinning feeling that followed me throughout the day today. I was going to exclaim with a bit of hidden pride that I had been fasting for three days and that I was on a roll. I was going to to say my pageant dress fitting tomorrow wouldn't be so bad after all.

and then I had dinner with my family. Chicken and rice. I feel like a cow. DAMN IT. This just ruined a wonderfully wonderful day. I am just praying to God that I will still be smaller tomorrow and maybe if I drink a TON TON TON of water it will help. For some reason I always seem to resort to that after I eat. Does it really do anything? No idea. But it makes me think I am at least being proactive, and that calms me a bit.

Also I spoke with a girl (lets call her K) yesterday and she knew about my eating problems. How? I wondered. She said it was "painfully obvious." Darnit. However, she has known me for a long time and she was the one I ran to after I thought I was dying of ipecac overdose....so I think the general idea may have stemmed from there. Anyways, I'm not worried about her knowing, because she has admitted to me some issues of her own, and she is also trustworthy.

I feel odd knowing that when certain people look at me, they see this side of me. I just hope, so desperately, that it is not all they see.

One thing is for sure, its all I see.

xoxoxoxo
Elle





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UPDATE: 12:32 AM

I absolutely cannot sleep at all and I wish that I had someone next to me to talk to. I'm afraid that I'm going to be fat because of that dinner that I ate and I can't sleep at all. And also I think that one of the pipes in my bathroom is broken, no doubt from all of my vomit and if in fact it is broken all hell will break loose and everyone will know that I'm still screwed up.

and on top of this I'm not even thin WHY ARE'NT I THIN

I just want to see my ribs and my hipbones and my shoulder blades is that so much to ask? I just want them to stick out more so that I would be beautiful. I am willing to starve for them I just want my damn family off my back all the time.

and I have to get my pageant dress fitted tomorrow and I'm dreading it and I'm afraid that I will look like an absolute cow and my life will be over.

And my family wants to go out to dinner afterward and what am I supposed to do then, Hm? I HATE restaurants because everything on the menu is like 1000947382942423908 calories and I don't know what I am supposed to do.

I feel like I'm going to die of helplessness and fjaslk fjda jdalk jdasklfjdakl; I dont even know what to say except for that i keep coming onto my stupid blog because I feel so alone.

I'm going to go weigh myself like twenty times now.

goodnight. And by goodnight I mean I'll probably never fall asleep unless I use some kind of meds

Elle