I have not digested any food in about four or five days. But I have eaten soooo much. I weighed myself and I've actually lost weight, which I am happy about, but I also know that it is subliminally encouraging this bulimia which I am attempting to stop.
Last night I threw up soooo much. Mostly, I take a trash bag into my room and lay it on the floor. Then I play loud music (as I often do anyways) and I'm good to go. I do this because my bathroom is suspicious and echo-y. But now i have like, multiple bags of throw up hidden in my room that I need to take care of. Oops. I know that I'm going to the gym later though, so I'll just throw it away in some random public trashcan like always.
(warning: this is disgusting)
And its getting pathetic. Literally- last night I was purging dinner and right as I'd finished my sisters told me that they were going out for ice cream and that they would buy me one. I said okay. A few minutes later they come back to my room with this big fat bowl of ice cream with a sprinkle-covered cone. I shoved that thing in my mouth while sitting in front of the mirror and the trashbag that I'd already laid out. As I shoved big fat pieces into my mouth, some of the sprinkles fell off onto my shirt and the carpet. I LICKED THE SPRINKLES OFF THE CARPET. THAT IS FUCKED UP. and then I threw up after about 25 seconds of finishing the thing anyways.
MAIN POINT: this is getting way out of hand.
BUT THERE HAS BEEN AN INCIDENT.
that freaks me the fuck out. I woke up this morning with the taste of blood in my mouth and blood on my pillow. Like, fuck. There is blood all over my pillow. Also...I'm not sure if this is possible, but I think that I pulled my jaw muscle. Even if I didn't, my whole jaw-area is puffy and hurts really bad.
Its not like this is new, but i've never had just extreme symptoms. I tried to drink a glass of water this morning, but I couldnt because all of the open sores in my mouth hurt too much.
URRRGGGG WHAT DO I DO ABOUT THIS. There is no adult in my life that I can trust. (And my parents are assholes so I can't tell them)
My throat hurts. I'm sorry that this post is all whining. BUT THERE IS BLOOD ON MY PILLOW. Does that mean I'm dying? Holy fuck what if I die. ahhh.
I'm going to have a moment of honesty with you. I don't like this one bit. And recently, as I've been throwing up a ton, I've also been going extra hard at the gym and sweating a lot in the sauna in the hopes that I'll just pass out and go to the hospital. Because then they'd have fix it. See, I can't get help myself because then the voices in my head will never shut up about how you're so lazy and weak and pathetic and you just want to eat you fat little piggy. But if it was involuntary...I don't know. And I don't really mean this. Because I don't want to get better, I just don't want to throw up. I just want to starve. But I know that I can't admit to one without admitting to the other to actually treatment really isn't an option for me. Bummer. GUESS THIS IS MY LIFE THEN.
Wow, I'm sorry for all of the ranting. Really, I am. But I don't know what to do. Will you tell me what to do?
I already purged my breakfast this morning, but I am truly truly fatigued and I dont think that I can go again today. So I'm hoping that I will just go to the gym, and then come home and sleep/not eat anything else today. That would be the ideal situation.
Hope your days are going well.
xoxoxo
Elle
Oh sweet heart I understand the inpatient/ have to fix it thing. When my doctor said "yes, residential would be beneficial, but there isn't anywhere we can think of so let's stick with what we are doing' i came out and cried down the road. I thought, maybe I would break free, because I won't let myself, I don't deserve it, I don't want to like myself, I want to punish myself and I feel stuck and if only I HAD to fix it and it wasn't because I WANTED to but because I had no other option and could allow myself without being self-indulgent.
ReplyDeleteThe blood on the pillow is worrying. And what worries me too is that it seems like a person has to fall VERY far over here before the NHS will pick them up, and I worry that it is like that there too. I don't want to see you hurting but I can't do a thing to help you. But I can let you know I am here, I am reading, you are on my homepage tab still and I promise to find the strength to post a comment even when I think that my comment is worthless and delete it, which has happened a lot recently.
I love you, you are not alone in the whole world, even if I cannot touch you to reassure you with a hug.
xxxxxx
First off, can you maybe switch purging for chewing and spitting? It's still bad, but at least it won't cause blood on the pillow or any internal damage. And you sound like you at least prepare for binges, so I think its doable.... If you can break that habit by substituting it for another, it might be wise.
ReplyDeleteIs there a local clinic or something you can do that's cost-effective/free, to get the blood thing figured out? because that SHOULD NOT be happening. I don't mean to scare you, but it's important you get it checked out by a professional before it worsens. :/
Yes, we can so most definitely fast together on whatever day it is - for me it is almsot 10am Saturday, so let's go for Saturday, as I figure you must me in the early morning just become Saturday time.
ReplyDeleteMy housemates are cooking something with butter and it is making me gag; intersting bi-product of too much senna.
Good luck for today,my plan is to get out the house until Lunch time, come back and 'work' or resemble working the best I can, and just drink the 2litre bottle of water on my desk. Failing that I will hibernate until the nausea calms down and attempt some work later.
Gah
Love xx