Vague Desperation

I feel empty alone desperate like the world is going to crash down like I'm not thin enough today and since I'm not I might as well die.

I feel so alone. So empty. Absolutely worthless, unloved, stupid. I feel like I want to just be sad but my eyes won't cry even though I want them to. I am just flesh, taking up space on earth. Nothing more. Why can't I i feel anything, damnit? Anything except for inadequacy?

I want to feel happy or sad or loved or indifferent. I want to feel something that isn't just staring into space thinking about calories and how I want to be SKINNY. Please please please god, just make me thin. Then I would be happy.

I am so desperate, so pathetic, so not in control. I feel like everything I have ever had, have, or will have is lost forever and I am nothing.

Where are you? Can't you see that I need you now? I need you to say that you love me just so I know that you didn't stop loving me while I've been gone. I need you to say no Elle, I won't let you fall. I am here, you don't need to worry.

gahhhhhhh

I feel SO JFKLF JDSKL I can't describe it. I feel like time is ticking away and I'm not thin yet, I'm not beautiful yet and if I don't become beautiful TONIGHT then I will never be beautiful ever. And there is nothing that I can do right here and right now that will make me thinner which makes me feel useless and worthless and anxious and nervous and jittery and like, isn't there anything that I can do anything I can do to become thinner faster ANYTHING I'LL DO IT

oh, god.

Or if not that then anything to SHUT UP this fucking VOICE in my head that's driving me INSANE.