GOD FUCKING DAMNIT

I JUST ATE PIE AND POTATOES AND THEN THREW UP I FAIL AT LIFE

I

can't get the smell of vomit off my fingers no matter how many times I wash them. I was watching this reality tv show and this girl was sad because her boyfriend died. It made me sad, too. It made me feel like someone had died. I'm sad. I wish I were hungry. I wish someone was here. I am lonely.

Damage Control Time

okay so here is what happened this weekend. I had to take the SAT on saturday. For those of you not in the US- the SAT is a standardized test that plays a VERY important role in your college acceptance/denial. So I have been studying and taking classes and all that shit to make sure that I do really well. So of course, I ate breakfast on the morning of the test. And then that evening i ate ice cream. This morning, i woke up at 1:00 pm. I have no idea why that is, but i was still exhasted when I woke up. I have eaten today, but just now we had this huge family dinner and I just ate a ton of food. Like, seriously. I ate a lot of food.

Um so the last fifteen minutes or so was me just kindof like flipping my stomach inside out. I think I got all of it out.

Tomorrow I am going to fast. Now not "fast" like oh yeah I'm going to fast and then actually go eat prezels in the bathroom. (don't ask). Tomorrow i will not consume any food whatsoever. It will just be me, music, and paint.

And it will be amazing, too.

I just need one good day of fasting to kick start my re-acceptance of ana. And tomorrow is definitely that day. And hey, if tomorrow goes well, then maybe I'll keep it going for a few more days.

Basically here is my current life situation:
I really have no reason not to fast anymore. The only reason that I needed food was to do well on the SAT and my SAT classes and perform well in soccer.

Well- I took the SAT so that's over and since I have a broken ankle, the soccer performance really isn't an issue.  Speaking of which, I usually go to the gym about six days a week. I AM GOING FUCKING NUTS. All of my anger at the world is just festering inside me instead of being released in exercise. ALSO- I know that means that my daily calorie burn has drastically dropped.

I can't weigh myself with a cast and its driving me crazy. I think I'm just going to measure myself every day and just keep track of that because i need SOMETHING to tell me whether I am doing well or not. I feel a lot better now that I've had a good purge. But I also know that I need to cut that out. Knowing that I have the option to purge can sometimes give me an excuse to eat.

I am excited for tomorrow to come: I know this is going to be a great new start.

"Beauty, as in sculpture, is achieved not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing more to take away."

So i had this grand idea

to break my cast off my leg because it was pissing me off.

I was walking around on my cast, and my ankle didn't hurt. Therfore it was not broken (was my insanity logic). So i walked (which you're not supposed to do) around on the cast until it finally broke on the bottom. So when I went to the doctor I planned on explaining how it didn't hurt and how we could use this opportunity to just give me a walking boot and be done with it. But then they took the old cast all the way off and I saw that my ankle looked like a kankle and it was black.

I bailed on the plan after that.

I now have cast #2 and I guess I'll just leave it on this time. (hehe)

Also today was going perfectly well except for some peanut butter pretzels that I ate which I wish that I hadn't. Other than that, wonderful.

Also my mom said that we will not be having dinner as a family because my little sister has soccer practice and stuff. So guess who's not having any of that fatty pasta? ME SUCKERS!!!

I really have a lot of homework plus I am soooooooo tired so I don't have much time to be on blogger, but if something exciting happens (unlikely) I will come back and write about it or something like that.

Love love love love

Elle

Planning makes me breathe easy

So I am figuring out all of my food for tomorrow in the hopes that it will calm me down a bit.

Today was a failure at best, and i don't even want to explain it right now. I just wasn't in my right mind. It was raining and i am on crutches, and my great-grandma died today, so I was just a bit off.

I am planning on eating one rice cake (35 calories) and one apple (95 calories) during the day. However my grandmother is visiting from out of state so my mother is making some alfredo pasta dish....sounds very fatty. I am just going to talk about how milk products give me stomach aches- so that gets rid of the sauce and take very little pasta that I will push around my plate. I, however, eat the steamed veggies because those are low-cal and actually good for you. I think that will work out just fine.

I am also planning on cutting my rice cake/apples into scheduled sections so that I eat a small piece every half hour. I feel like if I do that I am less likely to freak out and just eat it all at once.

I haven't talked to J all day today because he has been sick and I've missed his call twice this evening but now his phone is off. I wish he would call back again so we could talk and it would put me in a good mood. *sigh* I hope he comes to school tomorrow.

I need to be honest.

and maybe it will help me clear my mind. So since my little intervention-y thing, I've been eating like a normal person. I feel so fat.

But, I kindof have just been going with it. Like, when given an opportunity to lie my way out of it, I didn't take it. I just did what I was supposed to do.

But that is going to need to change. Now that I have a broken ankle, I can't go to the gym- which was my one way to rationalize all of my eating. It's also going to be very difficult to throw up, which I don't really want to do either.

So the verdict is: Hello Ana. It's nice to see you.

I've been getting really bad stomach pain as it is, especially lately, so I think that this is going to help. I really just want to feel the emptiness again and feel thin.

I dont feel thin right now.

Worst part of a cast: I can't weigh myself  :/
I dont really know how I am going to handle it to be honest.

This sucks hairy dick, just so you know.

I fucking hate having a broken ankle. And just in case you forgot or didn't know- I had knee surgery in April and was on crutches. And here I am yet again on crutches. They hurt your arms a lot more than you think. I wonder how many calories you burn on crutches....more than walking you think? It certainly takes more effort.

Anyways- here is what is going down:
1) cut back majorly on food, if any
2) try to do sit-ups and stuff that doesn't require leg movement
4) drink more water
3) be more secretive this time, bitch.

so there's that. Oh by the way since I've had my cast its been raining the entire time, which is fantasssticcccccc

Love
Elle

ps I've missed you, darlings

If that photo doesn't motivate you, you're a lost cause.

by the way- I just read some of the quite famous Dying to be Thin by Ana Regzig and it has got me so motivated. Its. Insane.

Heyyyy guys!

So guess what fine and dandy things have been happening since I've been away?

I've been eating all the time and getting fat. Then I broke my ankle. ITS BEEN FUCKING AWESOME.