I feel like I'm going to die right now. I feel like I should be making peace with everyone I know and saying my goodbyes because this feels like the end.
I seriously cannot breathe right now because my chest hurts so bad.
I drank two entire bottles of laxatives last night and have been running into things because I am so dizzy and sick.
My entire body aches.
All I want is to sleep. And that's the thing that I can't do. I have been so busy with school stuff today and I still have a good three hours of homework left to do. I am so tired.
Today, after I wrote the post about needing to throw up the burrito, I went into the bathroom to get it done, but I felt like there were too many people around so I didn't. After I had been in there like 30 seconds my stepdad called my name and was like what are you doing blah blah blah and i was like uhh using the restroom?
I walked out and then a minute or two later I walked by the bathroom door and he was in there...like...looking around or something. I don't know. Maybe he was just looking for something. I just have the feeling that he suspects something and its making me uncomfortable.
To be honest I almost wish that someone would just figure out that I'm fucking bulimic just so that I could be done with it. That sounds horrible but I just dont want to live like this anymore. The only problem is I dont want to recover, I just want to starve...which wouldn't happen in this situation.
Point being: this bulimia hurts and I don't want to do it, but I feel like I have to.
In all of those stupid movies about eating disorders they always use cliche lines about how 'its not your choice anymore' and i was always like HA i can stop whenever I want.
Well I can't. I was wrong. I'm kind of scared.
Elle
Oh Elle, munchkin sweetheart,
ReplyDeleteYou can stop this, but it is a huge effort and you fight your brain and sometimes you win and other times you dont and you find yourself at the toilet again but this has to stop, my heart is being ripped from my body thinking how upset and hurt and afraid you are right now and i SO want to be there to hug you and hold you and keep you occupied for a day so you couldn't be sick.
just do one day, if you can, it might give you your hope back again. and I know it isn't as easy as just do it, obviously, i am battling the same problem and i fucked up in paris big style and want to die a lot of the time, but we cant, we are going to grow into sassy skinny people and we need to, because there is no other option. we cant just give up and die. we cant. why not? because when we lie down and give up, there is no more hope. and we are young and this shouldnt be happening to us but it is
so we are bloody well going to fight back.
i am out on a mission and i am going to kill this bitch thats possessed me.
we can do this elle, please believe it, and please dont stop fighting xxxx
i am back baby xx