While I was out...

my world flipped upside down. Through the looking glass where everything is upside down and backwards and sad.


My mind, pounding with the stress headaches, went onto autopilot. My soul simply a stranger watching from afar, I simply had no control over the actions of my body. Yet, my mind assumes responsibility regardless of my control.


I sit. I stare at the wall. I am mentally empty, and physically yearning to be. I always want what I can't have and therefore wanting food poses a problem that I face daily. The month of august has bestowed upon me a godly title, in that I am now responsible for the 'give and take' theory that the church go-ers eat up like free food. I mind about my duties and then suddenly, as if summoned by an unearthly monster, the emptiness engulfs me. I am drowning in it and as the ground falls beneath my feet I run to the kitchen to fill the emptiness- quick, before I have time to feel it. And you eat chocolate while the toast is in the toaster and you eat toast while you scoop out ice cream and grab your keys to drive somewhere, anywhere with cheap food. and then you eat. The emptiness, the one you were running from, has been conquered. However, the even worse fullness hits you- and you need the emptiness back. NOW. You'll do anything to get it back. You drive to a toilet, you go home to the bathroom, or you just get a trash bag and do it in your bedroom. And then you flip yourself inside out until you're empty once again.


ground zero. and repeat.


If I attempt to recall exactly how august-present has gone, I would label it with that paragraph. Partly because it's the truth. Partly because I just can't remember anything else.


However, now that school has begun, I have changed dramatically from this chaotic heaving.
1. because I am out of the house a lot more and therefore are unsupervised and do not have to eat
2. because now when i throw up it feels like someone is stabbing me in the chest and it makes me gasp for breath and shake
3. i need to go to the dentist soon. I dont want them figuring it out.


so- starvation is my new bestie. Today I have eaten 4 peanut butter pretzels. I'm happy with that. When I have school its fairly simple. I am up (painfully) early- so nobody will question whether I ate breakfast. Then I either throw away my lunch or give it to J (best friend. basically my brother.) and he will (as teenage boys always do) eat it. Then I can avoid dinner on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday because i have soccer during dinnertime and everyone just forgets about me. and on the other days I will normally nibble and rant about how so and so and I went out for such and such so I'm not that hungry. Or I just don't say anything.


So it's been working out well for me. My body is hungry, but my mind is unaffected. I'm really not worried about bingeing because I just dont have the desire to eat. Recently, I look at food and it's sort of like just another object. No feelings attached.


I'll update more about J and all that stuff tomorrow,  I just got home from soccer and let me tell you- sprinting on empty is tiring. I just want to fall asleep and live in my fantasy world forever.
Goodnight, lovelies.


Elle <3

"I have a passion for life that could paradoxically kill as if to say 'I need everything, so I shall have nothing'"