Quod me nutrit, me destruit.

Lunch period was a disaster today. J and C insisted that I come with them to get lunch. I got rice. After I bought it, it sat in front of me and suddenly didn't seem so bad. It seemed kind of fine actually. So I ate some. Then I got to my next class and panicked.
I was jittery and nervous until finally I was able to go to the bathroom and purge. It was a difficult task- our bathrooms all have multiple stalls and are VERY echo-y. Luckily, there was only one other girl in there, so once she left I had the place to myself. The echo was a big issue though. Like a big issue. I did it anyways and thank god it didn't hurt like hell. It was loud though.

In class I wrote:
The idea, not the food, is a pervert. When you least expect it, the idea creeps out of a secret corner. Or perhaps someone put it there. But once it finds you, it paracidically tears into your brain. Your values, wishes, and rational thought are replaced with an obsession with the idea. The obsession hits you hard and fast so that your rash actions do not have time to be questioned. Before you know it your precious emptiness has been stolen, leaving you alone and disoriented. Then you fall. Down the rabbit hole, as Alice would say. When you fall, you search for a solution, frantically reaching out for anything. You wait for the jolt that wakes you from such a nightmare. However, it is impossible to wake up from life unless you are able to commit to death. So instead you think of a way to simply not fall. You are falling because you are heavier than air. If you become light, you will not fall but float, and therfore be happy. To be ethereal and feather-like. To be something beautiful- it is the only thing that will save you now. Myself.

I also ate a yogurt when i got home which I promptly purged in quite an enjoyable manner. There is something about creamy foods which makes them both easy and pleasant to throw back up. I think the creaminess sort of covers up the acid so its smooth instead of viciously tearing your esophogus on the way up. But hey, who knows.

also. this evening J took all of my measurements. We're making Halloween costumes together for fun (hehe) but i was really, really, not looking forward to that part. like literally he wrapped a tape measure around my waist and wrote down how fucking huge it was. and while he was measuring it he was probably just staring at my stomach thinking about how fat i am. ew ew ew ew ew ew. i want to cry just thinking about it.

Today all that i ate was that food that i threw up. so its not that bad. well, at least that is how i'm rationalizing it. rice and yogurt wont kill you rice and yogurt wont kill you rice and yogurt wont kill you especially if you threw it up.

I did however just drink a whole bottle of water and the fullness is making me nervous. and its just water. that's pathetic.

OH MY GOD. I forgot to say what happened this evening. I was in an SAT prep class and C was texting me and she said she had a stomach ache. During the class I was getting these really sharp painful feelings in my stomach so I responded that and she said "yeah probably from throwing up all the time."

um. what? HOW THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT. I responded "what?" and she said "I dunno just throwing out ideas" and didn't mention it again. Its making me so uncomfortable.

I didn't make it to the gym today either, which I am not proud of. I AM fasting tomorrow if it KILLS ME goddamnit and everyone else can just suck it. I refuse to be pressured into food again. no. no. no.

"And so I went through the looking glass, stepped into the netherworld, where up is down and food is greed, where convex mirrors cover the walls, where death is honor and flesh is weak. It is ever so easy to go. Harder to find your way back"