*sigh* difficult day.

It really didn't go the way that I'd wished. I feel bloated and disgusting. This afternoon i went to lunch with C and we split a burrito. It was fucking delicious. But then I was already late to class by like 15 minutes and so there was no time to throw up. So I just let it be. I tried to ignore it, thinking- it's just one meal. Regular people eat three of these EVERY day. One won't kill me. So I took my shaking hands and put them under the desk.

Today was J's birthday. He invited me out to dinner with his family and I could have easily said no. I hate restaurants with a passion. But time with J is something I rarely turn down. So I said yes. I ordered one taco. I took off all of the cheese (lots of fat content) and flicked off most of the chicken. I blended it in with the weird garnish crap that they put all over the plate. That left me with a small tortilla with lettuce in it. I ate about half. Then, since we drove separately, I took a little detour on the way home. I stopped at the field where I play soccer and threw up in the bathrooms.

What took you so long? he asks. Did you get lost?
No, I say. C called me so I had to pull over.

I dodged the rest of the evening's food opportunities easily. But then he wanted to talk about the Halloween costumes. He needed more measurements. I insisted no. He asked why and I just said flat out- we just ate and i feel all fat i don't want to. He rolled his eyes and said come on Elle, don't give me that crap. you barely ate anything. I said no again and again until he said fine we'll do it tomorrow. FUCK. I don't want to fucking do it.

Then i got home and there is ice cream in the freezer. I just went to get some ice cubes and i found ice cream instead. Now let me tell you the deal with ice cream. I really don't even like it that much. But something about it makes me feel like I'm six, ignorant to the mindless rants of adult life, humming disney princess songs in my head while i dream of unicorns and prince charmings. So when I see ice cream. I just eat it. Its like I dont have a choice.

So I got home- not wanting anything, and ate some. I had to run to the gas station so I grabbed a plastic bag and went to the gas station. But first I stopped at an empty parking lot and threw up into the bag inside my car. I am NOT happy with that experience. I was gagging with heaving, panicked movements. Tears rolled down my face as I hasted the gag spot with my fingers as fast as I could thinking- please please please don't make me fat. I do not think that I got it all out. It wouldn't come up all the way, for some strange reason.

I just want to have a good fast. Like a good old-fashioned all out fast. For like a week or so. I hate that I have a family. Assholes hold me back.

I wanted to tell J after I threw up his birthday dinner about everything. I was close,  but I couldn't. Once I take it far enough something tragic will happen and then he will find out. That's the way I see it, anyways.

I have to take this big test tomorrow morning, and its really important. But I dont want to eat. So. I think I am going to have a banana (90 calories) in the morning and bring a rice cake (35 calories) with me to the test to eat at the break. Then once the test is done I really have no reason to eat, so I won't. That leaves me at 125 calories for the day, which I am fine with. I also think I'll be able to hit the gym tomorrow evening so that should help me undo all the fucking damage that I did today.

I'm tired and I'm sad. I just want to sleep and never wake up. When I get in the car, I pray please, please someone just hit me. Someone hit my car. Let me be in a coma and then wake up in two month emaciated and thin. Everyone would be happy and tell me how they love me. I would be beautiful and thin and loved. If only, If only.

*sigh*

I suppose that is all for tonight.

Love
Elle

"I wanted to kill the me underneath. That fact haunted my days and nights. When you realize that you hate yourself so much, when you realize that you cannot stand who you are, and this deep spite has been the motivation behind your behavior for many years, your brain can't quite deal with it. It will try very hard to avoid that realization; it will try, in a last-ditch effort to keep your remaining parts alive, to remake the rest of you. This is, I believe different from the suicidal wish of those who are in so much pain that death feels like relief, different from the suicide I would later attempt, trying to escape that pain. This is a wish to murder yourself; the connotation of kill is too mild. This is a belief that you deserve slow torture, violent death."