I'll be gone

for a few days because i'm going to my dad's house and its pretty risky to go on my blog over there.

wish me luck.

i will be thinking of you all.

love

Elle

To answer your question:

Yes i did go to the hospital. But not how you think.

Last year, on  Christmas Eve to be exact, I was taken to the hospital by my father. Three days prior, I was sleeping over at C's house and woke up at like 3am and couldn't breathe.

My chest hurt so badly that I struggled to breathe and if I tried to eat anything, it would hurt so badly that I would cry.

First I went to the emergency room because I thought that I was like, dying, or something. I spent the next two days there. Then I went home. On christmas Eve, my father took me back to the hospital saying that they "needed to run one or two more tests."

um ya that was a lie. They thought i was bulimic.

You know what he said to me? He looked at me in the eyes and said, "Elle, you just wanted to lose weight. And this was a quick, easy way to do it. You don't have any psychological problems, so don't make this into something that it's not."

*cough* asshole *cough*

Now the funniest, most IRONIC part of this whole situation- I wasn't bulimic. I think that at that point, I'd tried throwing up maybe...once? and didn't like it. I was anorexic. I just tried SO hard to make it look like I was eating all the time that I think I  overdid it.

Their arguement was "you eat all the time, you don't go to the gym, and you're losing lots of weight. Therefore you are bulimic.'

However I was eating almost nothing. I really miss those days. When me and Ana were close buddies.

Anyways, they wouldn't give it up. They said I was bulimic and that was that. I denied it, but I left out the part about the anorexia. They did more random stuff at the hospital with needles and fluid and weighing and shit like that. Then I left, and nobody ever told me what all of those things meant. I didn't ask, because I didn't really want to know.

They sent me to a therapist and watched my every move. They told me that if i didn't "cut it out" then they'd send me away to some live-in place. (don't you just love their loving approach?)

So I tried to 'cut it out'...at least for a while. And then BAM i was back into it. But Ana take two wasn't as natural as the first time around. I was always trying to fast instead of just doing it. And that's what lead me to bulimia.

and now here I am.

Note: I have only talked with my mother (parents are divorced) so when I go to my father's next week, we could be enduring hell. It is unknown.

And now to answer your other question: No, telling J would not be a good idea. He wouldn't understand I don't think. I just like him around. He makes me feel safe.

Sucking Life Update:

I have been eating all the time, and its sucked balls. This evening in particular was a little two much for me. After dinner I sat on the couch, sooo uncomfortable. I tried soooo hard not to. But I needed it. I needed to feel empty again and to feel the release. So I purged.  Which is a highly dangerous senario at this point, but I was desperate. I am also confident that they didn't hear anything. It. felt.AMAZING.

So.....ya. That's where I stand right now. I'm just trying to get through the days at this point. And I'm going to the gym. a lot.

Love

Elle

I can't think of a title because that requires thinking.

and I can't think because I literally have no brains left.

I got into a huge screaming fight with my mother tonight and now I can't go out today or tomorrow. And all I wanted to do was see J tomorrow so that I could be around someone with rational thought for a minute, but i guess not anymore.

I am pissed right now so I'm going to keep it pretty short and sweet.

The talk:

I was at home and everyone else was gone except for my mother. She told me that we needed to talk and basically she was just like all emotional and emphasized how she 'didn't want me to go back into the hospital'

I was pretty much as emotional as a rock and shut her out. She was obviously disappointed that I didn't go oh mommy I love you and I need you.

Everyone needs to feel needed.

But I didn't. I told her that I didn't have any problems and shut down her efforts to talk pretty much.

We haven't really been talking about it since that, but they're watching me. And I've been eating. All the damn time.

I feel like a cow.

The other day I was eating something and I said, aloud "shut up shut up shut up shut up" attempting to shut up the "YOU FATTY" that was echoing in my head. Someone walked in and was like 'who are you talking to'.

it was that moment that I realized i am a crazy person.

After the screaming fight this evening, I had the opportunity to just skip dinner because I was so hated by everyone in the house that they wouldnt have noticed. But I didn't. I took my dinner into my room along with two pudding cups and downed it in about five seconds. Normally, this is the part where I throw up.

But I couldn't. So I didn't.

I'm fucking irritated and I wish I didn't have a family.

This is all such bullshit.

I wish J were here.

I guess I'll just do my french homework now. *sigh*

I think that I should just get a sharpie and write FML on my forehead and leave it at that.

Elle

Frost or Flame.

The worst possible thing

they've searched my whole room already.

they're planning an intervention.

I heard them whispering.

This is the end of me.

Dear world,

I need some assistance.

this weekend my parents told me that they know.

my life is officially ending.

Can someone just put me out of my misery and kill me now?

Gasping

I feel like I'm going to die right now. I feel like I should be making peace with everyone I know and saying my goodbyes because this feels like the end.

I seriously cannot breathe right now because my chest hurts so bad.

I drank two entire bottles of laxatives last night and have been running into things because I am so dizzy and sick.

My entire body aches.

All I want is to sleep. And that's the thing that I can't do. I have been so busy with school stuff today and I still have a good three hours of homework left to do. I am so tired.

Today, after I wrote the post about needing to throw up the burrito, I went into the bathroom to get it done, but I felt like there were too many people around so I didn't. After I had been in there like 30 seconds my stepdad called my name and was like what are you doing blah blah blah and i was like uhh using the restroom?

I walked out and then a minute or two later I walked by the bathroom door and he was in there...like...looking around or something. I don't know. Maybe he was just looking for something. I just have the feeling that he suspects something and its making me uncomfortable.

To be honest I almost wish that someone would just figure out that I'm fucking bulimic just so that I could be done with it. That sounds horrible but I just dont want to live like this anymore. The only problem is I dont want to recover, I just want to starve...which wouldn't happen in this situation.

Point being: this bulimia hurts and I don't want to do it, but I feel like I have to.

In all of those stupid movies about eating disorders they always use cliche lines about how 'its not your choice anymore' and i was always like HA i can stop whenever I want.

Well I can't. I was wrong. I'm kind of scared.

Elle

DAMNIT

I am so full of shit.

I CANT STARVE MYSELF ANYMORE BECAUSE THIS DAMN BULIMIA KEEPS ON PUSHING THROUGH.


FUCKKKKKKKKKKk

gotta go throw up a burrito. bye.

Can't....move....need....water...

so. tired. I don't remember going to sleep...but I just woke up and suddenly its dark outside. I missed soccer practice. Great, now I got no exercise and I will be fat forever and ever and ever and ever.

But then my mother asked me to please go get the cat from outside. I went outside to get him from the neighbors yard where he ran off and barely after I had walked ten steps did I realize that I might not make it all the way across the street. I thought I would fall there, in the middle of my neighborhood and not be able to get up.

I made it, but barely. Now I am back in my bed and dont plan on leaving for a wihle.

Honestly, I just raised my head up to respond to a text message, but then got two dizzy so I just put it back down on a pillow.

I am typing with my eeyes completely out of focus and sometimes just closed altogether.

I need water but its all the way in the kitchen. damn.

Elle

Not today, dear scale.

Today is a very, very unusual day. I have decided to not weigh myself today because I still have a stomach ache from all of the laxies.

Today is the first day of my fast. No food, Elle. None.

I am so tired, I wish I could just sleep. Damn you school.

And thirsty. Oh my god I am thirsty. How good does a big giant glass of ice cold water sound right now? Pretty much like the best thing ever. That's how good.


Elle

 

Urban Outfitters actually sold this shirt. Crazy world, eh?

GUESS WHAT I GOT?

well my throat/chest hurts like absolute fuck

but, as i mentioned previously, dinner was absolutely unavoidable. But since I couldn't throw it up, I went to the store and bought myself two bottles of laxatives. I am going to take ALL OF THEM RIGHT NOW. Then I will be COMPLETELY empty and pure and happy. YAY.

yayayayayayayayayayayaay

Then, starting tomorrow, I will be doing a three day fast. I am serious. No fuck-ups. I am serious right now. I want this so, so badly.

I am smiling. This is going to be a good three days :)

Much affection,
Elle

Here we go again.

Today is just another ride on an extremely fucked up merry-go-round. Running in place, never getting where you're trying to go.

I drove home from school thinking, Elle, you can do this. You don't need food. Really, you don't need it. Don't disappoint yourself. Then I got home and ate two cupcakes and three bowls of cereal in about ten minutes. great.

And then I needed a place to throw up so I went off to the gym. I threw up in a plastic bag in my car and then went into the gym for quite a while. But just now when I returned home, I ate some candy, a few pretzels, and a rice cake. I am now going to go into the bathroom and throw that up once I finish this post.

And tonight dinner is completely unavoidable so I presume I will be throwing that up sometime this evening. Grand.

This is total shit, just so you know.


Oh yeah, and my chest hurts like a motherfucker.

Elle

Don't Let Me Fall.

Where are you? I am blinded by darkness, but still I search for you. Take my hand. Hold me close.

Redundancy

is so tiring.

This morning I ate breakfast with my family for my sister's birthday. Then I threw it up, of course.

Then I went to the gym.

I got home and there were gummies on the table. Candy. Can you guess what happened? I lost control and ate some candy.

Now I am feeling like shit again. Is it worth it? To throw up a few bites of candy? *sigh*

I think I have to because I just can't stand to not. But it is so tiring. I'm so tired. Of everything, of this.

But now I'll go do it again.

Elle

Wouldn't it be nice? If I could melt myself like ice. Or outrun my skin and just be pure wind.

I am lonely. I am disconnected. I am I am I am I am I am

not

what I wish.

I need you. I need to feel something. I need to feel you?

I don't know that.

I wish I wish I wish J'espere beaucoup.

The emptiness aches with a weary dullness that never quite disappears.

Am I alive right now? I'm not sure. Can I feel love, anger, pain? Anything besides this everlasting disappointment, this melancholy submission.

I can't even rant and swear because that just takes too much effort. It makes it seem as though I care when i do not  could not. Even if I wanted to.

So I guess I'll just close the door then, and sketch the beauty which I cannot achieve. Once I am able to move I will work out. I will try to melt this parasite that has attatched itself to my body. I feel like I'm drowing in emotion. I feel like someone is choking me.

Perhaps it is time to draw pictures on myself in blood and pain. Dear scissors, come to me. Make me feel alive.

Elle

*sigh* difficult day.

It really didn't go the way that I'd wished. I feel bloated and disgusting. This afternoon i went to lunch with C and we split a burrito. It was fucking delicious. But then I was already late to class by like 15 minutes and so there was no time to throw up. So I just let it be. I tried to ignore it, thinking- it's just one meal. Regular people eat three of these EVERY day. One won't kill me. So I took my shaking hands and put them under the desk.

Today was J's birthday. He invited me out to dinner with his family and I could have easily said no. I hate restaurants with a passion. But time with J is something I rarely turn down. So I said yes. I ordered one taco. I took off all of the cheese (lots of fat content) and flicked off most of the chicken. I blended it in with the weird garnish crap that they put all over the plate. That left me with a small tortilla with lettuce in it. I ate about half. Then, since we drove separately, I took a little detour on the way home. I stopped at the field where I play soccer and threw up in the bathrooms.

What took you so long? he asks. Did you get lost?
No, I say. C called me so I had to pull over.

I dodged the rest of the evening's food opportunities easily. But then he wanted to talk about the Halloween costumes. He needed more measurements. I insisted no. He asked why and I just said flat out- we just ate and i feel all fat i don't want to. He rolled his eyes and said come on Elle, don't give me that crap. you barely ate anything. I said no again and again until he said fine we'll do it tomorrow. FUCK. I don't want to fucking do it.

Then i got home and there is ice cream in the freezer. I just went to get some ice cubes and i found ice cream instead. Now let me tell you the deal with ice cream. I really don't even like it that much. But something about it makes me feel like I'm six, ignorant to the mindless rants of adult life, humming disney princess songs in my head while i dream of unicorns and prince charmings. So when I see ice cream. I just eat it. Its like I dont have a choice.

So I got home- not wanting anything, and ate some. I had to run to the gas station so I grabbed a plastic bag and went to the gas station. But first I stopped at an empty parking lot and threw up into the bag inside my car. I am NOT happy with that experience. I was gagging with heaving, panicked movements. Tears rolled down my face as I hasted the gag spot with my fingers as fast as I could thinking- please please please don't make me fat. I do not think that I got it all out. It wouldn't come up all the way, for some strange reason.

I just want to have a good fast. Like a good old-fashioned all out fast. For like a week or so. I hate that I have a family. Assholes hold me back.

I wanted to tell J after I threw up his birthday dinner about everything. I was close,  but I couldn't. Once I take it far enough something tragic will happen and then he will find out. That's the way I see it, anyways.

I have to take this big test tomorrow morning, and its really important. But I dont want to eat. So. I think I am going to have a banana (90 calories) in the morning and bring a rice cake (35 calories) with me to the test to eat at the break. Then once the test is done I really have no reason to eat, so I won't. That leaves me at 125 calories for the day, which I am fine with. I also think I'll be able to hit the gym tomorrow evening so that should help me undo all the fucking damage that I did today.

I'm tired and I'm sad. I just want to sleep and never wake up. When I get in the car, I pray please, please someone just hit me. Someone hit my car. Let me be in a coma and then wake up in two month emaciated and thin. Everyone would be happy and tell me how they love me. I would be beautiful and thin and loved. If only, If only.

*sigh*

I suppose that is all for tonight.

Love
Elle

"I wanted to kill the me underneath. That fact haunted my days and nights. When you realize that you hate yourself so much, when you realize that you cannot stand who you are, and this deep spite has been the motivation behind your behavior for many years, your brain can't quite deal with it. It will try very hard to avoid that realization; it will try, in a last-ditch effort to keep your remaining parts alive, to remake the rest of you. This is, I believe different from the suicidal wish of those who are in so much pain that death feels like relief, different from the suicide I would later attempt, trying to escape that pain. This is a wish to murder yourself; the connotation of kill is too mild. This is a belief that you deserve slow torture, violent death."

I forget what this post was about at the beginning.

Life has so much unnecessary drama that is just downright primitive. All people really want is someone to understand them. Each person just wants to express their feelings so that others will understand exactly what they mean. Words, however, are unqualified for this duty. Their inefficiency leads to frustration and disagreement.

If only you could take their hand and press it to your heart. If when they felt the beating they could see it. feel it. Every memory, thought, and feeling you've ever had. Then they would understand what is means to be you. Then they would know why you hesitate and cry in the darkness. I am afraid, though, that if I let his hand feel my heart, he will feel the way it skips beats- it pauses and fires rapidly. It lacks the continuity of a normal heart's rhythm. His eyebrows would furrow and he might walk away. Wait, I would call, you have to understand. But he would be gone.

Once you have told another of your heart, you have a strange feeling as though it needs to be protected. That's what humans crave after all- control. You think- your heart is not the same as mine. Therefore I resent you. And the hatred between men begins here.

The need to be wanted fuels our existence. I don't wake up early every morning to gussy up for myself. I do it for you, dear strangers. I starve myself for you. One day, I will die for you.

I am not made of flesh.
I am made of light
or darkness perhaps.
A projection of Ophelia
in our own
Tragic world.

I was going to fast today. However when I returned home from school there was a box of Golden Grahams on the table. The box had a tag that said 'eat me.' Ignorant as I was, I picked up the box and ate some. Suddenly I grew; I was taller and larger and bigger and my clothes were torn off of my giant body. I cried tears the size of basketballs and they eventually filled the room. I swam in my tears, searching for the bottle that was supposed to shrink me back down. It was nowhere to be found. So, unlike Alice I had to shrink the old fashioned way.

I have quite a system set up in my bedroom now. I have a towel that I keep in my closet that I lay down on the bed. Then on top of that I have a trash bag. I just kneel on the top of my bed and purge right into the bag. I open the window, spray a little perfume, put away the towel and it's like nothing happened. Yes, sometimes disposing of a garbage bag of vomit is annoying, but hey- I never said life was easy. So now I have a barf bag sitting in my room that I must find a new home for.

I am disappointed in myself. I am disappointed that I could not compose myself at home. I was so close, too. I had to go to the grocery store earlier and while waiting in line I had rapid thoughts. They flashed through my mind faster than I could comprehend them. Food food food hungry hungry hungry. Looked at the candy stand next to the register. Shook my head and bought a bottle of water instead. Good girl, I thought. And then this. *sigh*

Well, I have already found my way around dinner, so as long as I workout extra hard today at soccer practice i think that it will be okay. I hope that it will be okay.

Until then, I am just going to collapse into sleep for a half hour or so. I am exhausted, and my hands are still a bit shaky.

"My god! people say. You have so much self-control! And later: My god. You're so, so sick. When people say this, they turn their heads, you've won your little game. You have proven your thesis that no-body-likes-me-everybody-hates-me, guess-I'll-just-eat-worms. You get to sink back into your hospital bed, shrieking with righteous indignation. See? you get to say. I knew you'd give up on me. I knew you'd leave."

Dear Marya Hornbacher,
I wish that I was you. Thank you for your words of wisdom.
Love,
Elle

Quod me nutrit, me destruit.

Lunch period was a disaster today. J and C insisted that I come with them to get lunch. I got rice. After I bought it, it sat in front of me and suddenly didn't seem so bad. It seemed kind of fine actually. So I ate some. Then I got to my next class and panicked.
I was jittery and nervous until finally I was able to go to the bathroom and purge. It was a difficult task- our bathrooms all have multiple stalls and are VERY echo-y. Luckily, there was only one other girl in there, so once she left I had the place to myself. The echo was a big issue though. Like a big issue. I did it anyways and thank god it didn't hurt like hell. It was loud though.

In class I wrote:
The idea, not the food, is a pervert. When you least expect it, the idea creeps out of a secret corner. Or perhaps someone put it there. But once it finds you, it paracidically tears into your brain. Your values, wishes, and rational thought are replaced with an obsession with the idea. The obsession hits you hard and fast so that your rash actions do not have time to be questioned. Before you know it your precious emptiness has been stolen, leaving you alone and disoriented. Then you fall. Down the rabbit hole, as Alice would say. When you fall, you search for a solution, frantically reaching out for anything. You wait for the jolt that wakes you from such a nightmare. However, it is impossible to wake up from life unless you are able to commit to death. So instead you think of a way to simply not fall. You are falling because you are heavier than air. If you become light, you will not fall but float, and therfore be happy. To be ethereal and feather-like. To be something beautiful- it is the only thing that will save you now. Myself.

I also ate a yogurt when i got home which I promptly purged in quite an enjoyable manner. There is something about creamy foods which makes them both easy and pleasant to throw back up. I think the creaminess sort of covers up the acid so its smooth instead of viciously tearing your esophogus on the way up. But hey, who knows.

also. this evening J took all of my measurements. We're making Halloween costumes together for fun (hehe) but i was really, really, not looking forward to that part. like literally he wrapped a tape measure around my waist and wrote down how fucking huge it was. and while he was measuring it he was probably just staring at my stomach thinking about how fat i am. ew ew ew ew ew ew. i want to cry just thinking about it.

Today all that i ate was that food that i threw up. so its not that bad. well, at least that is how i'm rationalizing it. rice and yogurt wont kill you rice and yogurt wont kill you rice and yogurt wont kill you especially if you threw it up.

I did however just drink a whole bottle of water and the fullness is making me nervous. and its just water. that's pathetic.

OH MY GOD. I forgot to say what happened this evening. I was in an SAT prep class and C was texting me and she said she had a stomach ache. During the class I was getting these really sharp painful feelings in my stomach so I responded that and she said "yeah probably from throwing up all the time."

um. what? HOW THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT. I responded "what?" and she said "I dunno just throwing out ideas" and didn't mention it again. Its making me so uncomfortable.

I didn't make it to the gym today either, which I am not proud of. I AM fasting tomorrow if it KILLS ME goddamnit and everyone else can just suck it. I refuse to be pressured into food again. no. no. no.

"And so I went through the looking glass, stepped into the netherworld, where up is down and food is greed, where convex mirrors cover the walls, where death is honor and flesh is weak. It is ever so easy to go. Harder to find your way back"

While I was out...

my world flipped upside down. Through the looking glass where everything is upside down and backwards and sad.


My mind, pounding with the stress headaches, went onto autopilot. My soul simply a stranger watching from afar, I simply had no control over the actions of my body. Yet, my mind assumes responsibility regardless of my control.


I sit. I stare at the wall. I am mentally empty, and physically yearning to be. I always want what I can't have and therefore wanting food poses a problem that I face daily. The month of august has bestowed upon me a godly title, in that I am now responsible for the 'give and take' theory that the church go-ers eat up like free food. I mind about my duties and then suddenly, as if summoned by an unearthly monster, the emptiness engulfs me. I am drowning in it and as the ground falls beneath my feet I run to the kitchen to fill the emptiness- quick, before I have time to feel it. And you eat chocolate while the toast is in the toaster and you eat toast while you scoop out ice cream and grab your keys to drive somewhere, anywhere with cheap food. and then you eat. The emptiness, the one you were running from, has been conquered. However, the even worse fullness hits you- and you need the emptiness back. NOW. You'll do anything to get it back. You drive to a toilet, you go home to the bathroom, or you just get a trash bag and do it in your bedroom. And then you flip yourself inside out until you're empty once again.


ground zero. and repeat.


If I attempt to recall exactly how august-present has gone, I would label it with that paragraph. Partly because it's the truth. Partly because I just can't remember anything else.


However, now that school has begun, I have changed dramatically from this chaotic heaving.
1. because I am out of the house a lot more and therefore are unsupervised and do not have to eat
2. because now when i throw up it feels like someone is stabbing me in the chest and it makes me gasp for breath and shake
3. i need to go to the dentist soon. I dont want them figuring it out.


so- starvation is my new bestie. Today I have eaten 4 peanut butter pretzels. I'm happy with that. When I have school its fairly simple. I am up (painfully) early- so nobody will question whether I ate breakfast. Then I either throw away my lunch or give it to J (best friend. basically my brother.) and he will (as teenage boys always do) eat it. Then I can avoid dinner on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday because i have soccer during dinnertime and everyone just forgets about me. and on the other days I will normally nibble and rant about how so and so and I went out for such and such so I'm not that hungry. Or I just don't say anything.


So it's been working out well for me. My body is hungry, but my mind is unaffected. I'm really not worried about bingeing because I just dont have the desire to eat. Recently, I look at food and it's sort of like just another object. No feelings attached.


I'll update more about J and all that stuff tomorrow,  I just got home from soccer and let me tell you- sprinting on empty is tiring. I just want to fall asleep and live in my fantasy world forever.
Goodnight, lovelies.


Elle <3

"I have a passion for life that could paradoxically kill as if to say 'I need everything, so I shall have nothing'"

I'm Back.

Well hello blogger. I've missed you the last few weeks. For everyone in the entire world to know I am Elle. I used to have a blog called Chasing Perfection but it has since been deleted. This is my life. I'll write a real post later tonight but I am late for the gym.

Elle