I forget what this post was about at the beginning.

Life has so much unnecessary drama that is just downright primitive. All people really want is someone to understand them. Each person just wants to express their feelings so that others will understand exactly what they mean. Words, however, are unqualified for this duty. Their inefficiency leads to frustration and disagreement.

If only you could take their hand and press it to your heart. If when they felt the beating they could see it. feel it. Every memory, thought, and feeling you've ever had. Then they would understand what is means to be you. Then they would know why you hesitate and cry in the darkness. I am afraid, though, that if I let his hand feel my heart, he will feel the way it skips beats- it pauses and fires rapidly. It lacks the continuity of a normal heart's rhythm. His eyebrows would furrow and he might walk away. Wait, I would call, you have to understand. But he would be gone.

Once you have told another of your heart, you have a strange feeling as though it needs to be protected. That's what humans crave after all- control. You think- your heart is not the same as mine. Therefore I resent you. And the hatred between men begins here.

The need to be wanted fuels our existence. I don't wake up early every morning to gussy up for myself. I do it for you, dear strangers. I starve myself for you. One day, I will die for you.

I am not made of flesh.
I am made of light
or darkness perhaps.
A projection of Ophelia
in our own
Tragic world.

I was going to fast today. However when I returned home from school there was a box of Golden Grahams on the table. The box had a tag that said 'eat me.' Ignorant as I was, I picked up the box and ate some. Suddenly I grew; I was taller and larger and bigger and my clothes were torn off of my giant body. I cried tears the size of basketballs and they eventually filled the room. I swam in my tears, searching for the bottle that was supposed to shrink me back down. It was nowhere to be found. So, unlike Alice I had to shrink the old fashioned way.

I have quite a system set up in my bedroom now. I have a towel that I keep in my closet that I lay down on the bed. Then on top of that I have a trash bag. I just kneel on the top of my bed and purge right into the bag. I open the window, spray a little perfume, put away the towel and it's like nothing happened. Yes, sometimes disposing of a garbage bag of vomit is annoying, but hey- I never said life was easy. So now I have a barf bag sitting in my room that I must find a new home for.

I am disappointed in myself. I am disappointed that I could not compose myself at home. I was so close, too. I had to go to the grocery store earlier and while waiting in line I had rapid thoughts. They flashed through my mind faster than I could comprehend them. Food food food hungry hungry hungry. Looked at the candy stand next to the register. Shook my head and bought a bottle of water instead. Good girl, I thought. And then this. *sigh*

Well, I have already found my way around dinner, so as long as I workout extra hard today at soccer practice i think that it will be okay. I hope that it will be okay.

Until then, I am just going to collapse into sleep for a half hour or so. I am exhausted, and my hands are still a bit shaky.

"My god! people say. You have so much self-control! And later: My god. You're so, so sick. When people say this, they turn their heads, you've won your little game. You have proven your thesis that no-body-likes-me-everybody-hates-me, guess-I'll-just-eat-worms. You get to sink back into your hospital bed, shrieking with righteous indignation. See? you get to say. I knew you'd give up on me. I knew you'd leave."

Dear Marya Hornbacher,
I wish that I was you. Thank you for your words of wisdom.
Love,
Elle