Today is a good day.

I woke up and i was very hungry. It felt sooooo nice. My weight was still up from before... which sucks ass. Curse you, broken ankle! My inability to exercise is a big, big, big, issue since I generally do it everyday. Hopefully on thursday I will get this thing off and I can go back to burning calories all day long. I am tired today and I have a lot of work to be done, so hopefully eating will just not have time to fit into my day.

Elle

well, now that it's done

I can't take it back. The pictures are taken and yes, I probably look like a fat cow, alright?

OH MY GOD SOMETHING EPIC HAPPENED TODAY!

You guys remember that quote "a moment on the lips, forever on the hips" from Wasted right???

A TEACHER SAID THAT TODAY to this girl that was eating in class. She was on like, her second bagel or something and the teacher said that and i was like AHHH OMG.

i don't know it just made me happy a little bit. And don't feel bad for the girl, she deserves it. She sits next to me in another class that is right after lunch and despite the fact that she has already eaten she just shoves other peoples food into her mouth in enormous, noisey bites and it really disgusts me how i can hear the food rolling around in her mouth as she chews with it wide open and then shoves yet another giant piece before she even swallows.

oh god, i think i'm going to vomit.

its THAT gross.

but yeah. I just had to share that moment of glory.

when i started this post i didn't want to write this part because i am an epic failure and i imagine its comical to you to read this and think about my lack of control. However, I shall tell you anyways. I have about two pounds of vomit in a trashbag in my closet. Guess how my day went. yeah.

Love xoxoxoxoxo
Elle

Confessing my sins.

I went on a mother-daughter trip the last few days, and it was nice.

However, there was a lot of eating involved. But not just eating, like, indulgent eating like chocolate and candy and ice cream and stuff like that. I just ate/purged ice cream like an hour ago and my throat burns and my chest hurts.

Right now I am a filthy, disgusting person. You know what my problem is? I keep thinking that i can just go to sleep and when I wake up, I will be cleansed and I will have a new start. But, clearly, that is not how it goes. So I am going to try something different.

Tomorrow I am going to attempt to cleanse myself by only drinking lemon water all day. (no food obviously). but lemon water is supposed to have a lot of benefits on lots of body-type stuff. I am also going to wake up early and meditate in the morning. Perhaps if I meditate I will be able to control myself and not act impulsively.

That's pretty much what I have planned right now.

You know what sucks? I have to take my senior pictures tomorrow. As a senior in high school, i have to take these certain pictures that you like send to a million people with your grad announcements and yearbook crap and everything. tomorrow.

EVERYONE WILL REMEMBER ME BY THIS. FUCKING FANTASTIC.

i have such a headache my god. i can feel the extra pounds on my and i am utterly sickened by myself.

"Wouldn't it be nice? If I could melt myself like ice, or outrun my skin and just be pure wind."

Dear art,

I will pour myself in you and then perhaps one day I will be beautiful, too.

I think that if you never go to sleep, you must burn more calories because your metabolism wont go into like the slowed down sleeping rate. It's 11:18pm. Here we go.

I'm just going to draw and do leg lifts for the next few hours.

Goodnight, loves.

Elle

Pep Talk and Thinspo

okay so here is the deal. I have been taking this new medication that is making me eat and gain weight like crazy and its driving me to the point of extreme action. But, I keep having freakouts and eating like everything that is in my house.

But, today is a different day. Today I am absolutely sure that I will not eat. At all. Why would I need to eat anything? It won't make me happy? But it WILL make me fat. And then I will be sad again. I want to see my beautiful, lovely bones. All of them. And I know that I can do it. It's really not that difficult you know. So I am simply going to focus my attention on other things.

At school, I will pay attention in class and emerse myself in the teachings. At home I will paint, listen to music, and if necessary just sleep to avoid it all. Breakfast is easily avoided. When I get to school, the first thing I will do is just throw my lunch away. (I try to put things back normally to not just waste money). Then, I will find a way out of dinner somehow.

Okay Elle? You know you've got this. You've done it so many times before. Just think of the thinness before you make a bad decision. You can do it you can do it you can do it.

It's not quite 6:30 am so my day is just beginning and I am ready to absolutely not screw this up.

Alright :)

Here we go.
Elle

BLAHHHHHAHAHAHAHA

I CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT.

 FJSAKL JRQAD JFKLPSA KJFLDA:S JKDLA SJKLJG DKLA HFIOEQ:HJ FG UBOI:S KJFAOP UJRQEF:IO JDKPOS JXKLSA JCSA JIRGFVHDW :NVCKA JFCE JFIODHE DIOVDHC JP"DE IKJVBDHNC "ODIKS" OAIJK.

SUCK IT.

the plan:

tomorrow I will fast. no exceptions.

end of plan.

Good? good.

I want to fast

for forty days. It's a goal of mine. But, for now I will just fast for tomorrow. I'm not necessarily religious, but I thought this was interesting:

Matthew 6:16-18 declares, “When you fast, do not look somber as the hypocrites do, for they disfigure their faces to show men they are fasting. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. But when you fast, put oil on your head and wash your face, so that it will not be obvious to men that you are fasting, but only to your Father, who is unseen; and your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.”

Elle

I'm going to be at

my dad's house for the next few days and it will be too risky to be on blogger. I want to give you all my love and tell you that I will be back very soon.

I am going to try my hardest to not get fat.

Love
Elle

GOD FUCKING DAMNIT

I JUST ATE PIE AND POTATOES AND THEN THREW UP I FAIL AT LIFE

I

can't get the smell of vomit off my fingers no matter how many times I wash them. I was watching this reality tv show and this girl was sad because her boyfriend died. It made me sad, too. It made me feel like someone had died. I'm sad. I wish I were hungry. I wish someone was here. I am lonely.

Damage Control Time

okay so here is what happened this weekend. I had to take the SAT on saturday. For those of you not in the US- the SAT is a standardized test that plays a VERY important role in your college acceptance/denial. So I have been studying and taking classes and all that shit to make sure that I do really well. So of course, I ate breakfast on the morning of the test. And then that evening i ate ice cream. This morning, i woke up at 1:00 pm. I have no idea why that is, but i was still exhasted when I woke up. I have eaten today, but just now we had this huge family dinner and I just ate a ton of food. Like, seriously. I ate a lot of food.

Um so the last fifteen minutes or so was me just kindof like flipping my stomach inside out. I think I got all of it out.

Tomorrow I am going to fast. Now not "fast" like oh yeah I'm going to fast and then actually go eat prezels in the bathroom. (don't ask). Tomorrow i will not consume any food whatsoever. It will just be me, music, and paint.

And it will be amazing, too.

I just need one good day of fasting to kick start my re-acceptance of ana. And tomorrow is definitely that day. And hey, if tomorrow goes well, then maybe I'll keep it going for a few more days.

Basically here is my current life situation:
I really have no reason not to fast anymore. The only reason that I needed food was to do well on the SAT and my SAT classes and perform well in soccer.

Well- I took the SAT so that's over and since I have a broken ankle, the soccer performance really isn't an issue.  Speaking of which, I usually go to the gym about six days a week. I AM GOING FUCKING NUTS. All of my anger at the world is just festering inside me instead of being released in exercise. ALSO- I know that means that my daily calorie burn has drastically dropped.

I can't weigh myself with a cast and its driving me crazy. I think I'm just going to measure myself every day and just keep track of that because i need SOMETHING to tell me whether I am doing well or not. I feel a lot better now that I've had a good purge. But I also know that I need to cut that out. Knowing that I have the option to purge can sometimes give me an excuse to eat.

I am excited for tomorrow to come: I know this is going to be a great new start.

"Beauty, as in sculpture, is achieved not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing more to take away."

So i had this grand idea

to break my cast off my leg because it was pissing me off.

I was walking around on my cast, and my ankle didn't hurt. Therfore it was not broken (was my insanity logic). So i walked (which you're not supposed to do) around on the cast until it finally broke on the bottom. So when I went to the doctor I planned on explaining how it didn't hurt and how we could use this opportunity to just give me a walking boot and be done with it. But then they took the old cast all the way off and I saw that my ankle looked like a kankle and it was black.

I bailed on the plan after that.

I now have cast #2 and I guess I'll just leave it on this time. (hehe)

Also today was going perfectly well except for some peanut butter pretzels that I ate which I wish that I hadn't. Other than that, wonderful.

Also my mom said that we will not be having dinner as a family because my little sister has soccer practice and stuff. So guess who's not having any of that fatty pasta? ME SUCKERS!!!

I really have a lot of homework plus I am soooooooo tired so I don't have much time to be on blogger, but if something exciting happens (unlikely) I will come back and write about it or something like that.

Love love love love

Elle

Planning makes me breathe easy

So I am figuring out all of my food for tomorrow in the hopes that it will calm me down a bit.

Today was a failure at best, and i don't even want to explain it right now. I just wasn't in my right mind. It was raining and i am on crutches, and my great-grandma died today, so I was just a bit off.

I am planning on eating one rice cake (35 calories) and one apple (95 calories) during the day. However my grandmother is visiting from out of state so my mother is making some alfredo pasta dish....sounds very fatty. I am just going to talk about how milk products give me stomach aches- so that gets rid of the sauce and take very little pasta that I will push around my plate. I, however, eat the steamed veggies because those are low-cal and actually good for you. I think that will work out just fine.

I am also planning on cutting my rice cake/apples into scheduled sections so that I eat a small piece every half hour. I feel like if I do that I am less likely to freak out and just eat it all at once.

I haven't talked to J all day today because he has been sick and I've missed his call twice this evening but now his phone is off. I wish he would call back again so we could talk and it would put me in a good mood. *sigh* I hope he comes to school tomorrow.

I need to be honest.

and maybe it will help me clear my mind. So since my little intervention-y thing, I've been eating like a normal person. I feel so fat.

But, I kindof have just been going with it. Like, when given an opportunity to lie my way out of it, I didn't take it. I just did what I was supposed to do.

But that is going to need to change. Now that I have a broken ankle, I can't go to the gym- which was my one way to rationalize all of my eating. It's also going to be very difficult to throw up, which I don't really want to do either.

So the verdict is: Hello Ana. It's nice to see you.

I've been getting really bad stomach pain as it is, especially lately, so I think that this is going to help. I really just want to feel the emptiness again and feel thin.

I dont feel thin right now.

Worst part of a cast: I can't weigh myself  :/
I dont really know how I am going to handle it to be honest.

This sucks hairy dick, just so you know.

I fucking hate having a broken ankle. And just in case you forgot or didn't know- I had knee surgery in April and was on crutches. And here I am yet again on crutches. They hurt your arms a lot more than you think. I wonder how many calories you burn on crutches....more than walking you think? It certainly takes more effort.

Anyways- here is what is going down:
1) cut back majorly on food, if any
2) try to do sit-ups and stuff that doesn't require leg movement
4) drink more water
3) be more secretive this time, bitch.

so there's that. Oh by the way since I've had my cast its been raining the entire time, which is fantasssticcccccc

Love
Elle

ps I've missed you, darlings

If that photo doesn't motivate you, you're a lost cause.

by the way- I just read some of the quite famous Dying to be Thin by Ana Regzig and it has got me so motivated. Its. Insane.

Heyyyy guys!

So guess what fine and dandy things have been happening since I've been away?

I've been eating all the time and getting fat. Then I broke my ankle. ITS BEEN FUCKING AWESOME.