All of these days are the same

there is that hungry feeling. The kinds that sits comfortably and satisfyingly inside you until all of a sudden it stabs you with anger and content.

there is that tired feeling. The one that you get after you let out all of your fear and anger at the gym and now you're body is running on empty

there is that achey feeling- in your chest when you breathe and perpetually in your head

and then there is the desire for more

Fighting a losing battle...

i am absolutely exhausted. As a high school senior with 14 days left of school, you'd think that teachers would take it easy on their students. But no. I have so much work to do that i am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I am trying to force my eyes to stay open but then just won't. All i want to do is rest.

Saturday Lunch Conflict.

So my french teacher is retiring and having this final lunch thing at a fancy restaurant this Saturday. I am in her AP class, aka been with her four years, so she especially expects me to be there. Also the fact that I told her I would be there.

HOWEVER this thing is a recipe for disaster.
1. The lunch is THREE COURSES
2. It would be really uncomfortable to leave halfway through, aka no escape
3. Restaurants make me nervous
4. Eating in front of people makes me nervous

This is not good. Not good at all. But I don't know what to doooooo. I feel really obligated to go but i know that if I go it could be really bad.

I'm thinking that I will either:
a. not go and face the subliminal hatred that my teacher will give me for the rest of the year
b. go and eat as minimally as possible and engage in as much conversation (aka not eating) as possible

But I'm really not particularly satisfied with that. I freaking hate eating with other people! It is so stressful!

Also I am about to go in the jacuzzi with my little sister, meaning I am in a bikini, and I am just reminded that I am a fat cow. Which is awesome.

xoxoxoxoxo
Elle

________________________________________________________
UPDATE


alright literally fuck this shit i am NOT GOING TO THAT DEATH LUNCH. And not any other related activity either. I am over this. I am just going to lock myself in my room in the fucking dark so that i won't be tempted and so that i wont do anything but starve. I am going to starve in the dark.

Okay I need to plan my day.

Breakfast-
piece of watermelon (43 calories)

Lunch-
orange (86 calories)
rice cake (35 calories)

Dinner-
i think i can find a way out of this altogether

TOTAL: 164 calories

It's a good plan. NOW ELLE, LOOK AT ME. DON'T FUCK THIS UP. YOU HAVE A GOOD, SOLID PLAN THAT WILL LEAVE YOU FEELING SKINNY AT THE END OF THE DAY. NOT LIKE YOU FEEL RIGHT NOW. JUST STICK TO THE PLAN, YOU CAN DO THIS.

What I will do if i feel like I am going to fuck up:
- sit in my room in the dark and listen to bon iver and sigur ros
- build a blanket fort in my room
- take a shower
- concentrated breathing
-take a walk
- go to the gym (if my mom will let me, i've been sick all week)
- get ready for evening plans

I am planning on going to a play with J, so if i do it right, i should be able to skip dinner by saying that we are going to get food together. that would be ideal. plus then i will be occupied during my prime binge time, the evenings.

I WANT TO BE THIN I WANT TO BE THIN I WANT TO BE THIN I WANT TO BE THIN I WANT TO BE THIN I WANT TO BE THIN I WANT TO BE THIN I CAN DO THIS. Elle, you know you can do this. Just stay focused.

Lets not kid ourselves.

fuck recovery. I hate it. I hate stepping on the scale and not being any goddamn thinner.

I am also getting worried. My little sister is starting to grow up. Although I've never considered myself  "thin" (because then i would be perfect) I have always taken pride in the fact that i am the thinnest of my sisters. But, now that my little sister is getting taller and more athletic, that is being challenged. Not verbally, of course, but I can just see it happening. I HAVE TO BE THE THINNEST OF THE SISTERS OR I WILL DIE.

and i know that sounds really selfish and dumb but if she gets thinner than me i am going to have a freak out session. Already, just typing about it I am getting lightheaded and dizzy because that's how important it is to me that i remain in this position.

I feel fat and dirty right now. I am going to try to fast tomorrow.

Also I am fucking pissed off because J keeps talking about how he likes this girl that i fucking despise with my heart and soul and it makes me angry.

anyways- my point: I am back. You'll be hearing from me a hell of a lot more often.

I've missed you all.

I know, I've been gone a while.

But I've been doing a lot of work with myself. I am not even close to done, nor am I ready to be, but hey I don't throw up anymore. Fasting and getting thin is still a major priority for me, but in a less...."i'm going to die in five seconds" kind of way. My moods are much more stable, my head more clear, and I can handle my emotions with a bit more rationality. And I do mean a bit. I feel guilty for not reading and encouraging you as I love to do, but its difficult for me to come on this blog. I'm not sure why....I guess I just don't want to face myself. I don't want to be tempted to be what I was. I don't want to remember how easy it was. I just want to put on my blinders and do the best I can.

With love,
Elle

Update

I don't have a lot of time to write, but I've been doing very well. I haven't binged and purged in about three weeks, and I am happy. I still have food issues, but I opened up to someone I trust, and things are looking up for me. I think of you all often and hope you are happy <3

BAHAHAHAHA

okay this is a little window into my life:

Wasn't sure if I should purge dinner because then I would probably throw up the handful of laxatives I took like 20 mins before dinner.

Purging or laxies? The ultimate question.

Advice?

Alright. Tomorrow is the day that I'm supposed to meet up with J's mother and admit my life story.

ummmmmmm not feelin too hot about this, to be honest.

Like- what I am going to accomplish here? She's not a doctor, what can she possibly do? Is it fair to just dump this problem on another person? What if I'm not committed to getting better? What am I expecting to get out of this conversation? Pity? What if she tells my parents behind my back? What if she pushes food on me all the time? What if she starts crying? What if she gets mad? Too many questions. I think I'll just back out. Honestly, I just can't handle people getting all emotional around me. It's too intense.

Yay getting skinny

I have subsided today on like 5 saltine crackers and water. YAY.

Phew. That's a lotta barf.

Ive been throwing up for like 4 days straight. That is honestly all i've been doing. Not studying, not being with my friends, just vomiting.

First I binge. Then I purge until I gag and am throwing up bile. Then I lay down, dizzy and tired. After about 40 minutes or so I'll want some kind of food again. I contemplate it for a while, and then drag my ass into the kitchen to snatch as much food as I can without my parents noticing, go back into my room and eat it in front of the mirror.

repeat.


for hours, and hours on end. I am so, so tired. My chest hurts.

I am going to "talk" with j's mother this sunday. Like i said before, he thinks I need to talk to an adult about it but he also knows that I can't trust my family. So I'm going to talk to his mom. I think she can take it. I don't know how its going to go.

I just hope they don't think that just because I tell someone means I'm through. How do I tell them that this is my life? Nobody in the real world understands us, girls. We've got to stick together <3

I'm really hungry. Very, very hungry. I want to go to sleep but I'm honestly that hungry that I can't.

Maybe when I wake up, I'll weigh less. That would be ideal.

For some reason I also feel nauseated...which is weird since there's no food in there.

I officially have less than one month until my pageant. This is absolutely crunch time. If I am this weight in a pageant, I will lose.
1) because fat girls don't win beauty pageants
2) I'll feel so shitty about myself that I just won't perform well

Last pageant I weighed 10lbs less than I do now. I am determined to lose that by then and more. I think I can do this guys.

I am such an uncommitted blogger lately. Sorry I'm so lame, I just don't have too much to say. What can I say, really? Yes I am still disgusting and I wake up everyday thinking fuck you fat whore. Not exactly newsworthy.

READ THIS NOW.

alright so here's the deal. Went to the gym and worked out hard. Went in the sauna for a ridiculously unhealthy amount of time thinking you dumb bitch you deserve to suffer and had the intention of staying in there, sweating, until I thought I was dying. And I did. Got out the door before I passed out on the cold tile. Eventually calmed a spectator and made it to my car. Started hyperventilating while driving. Worst panic attack in the history of my life. Couldn't breathe, very blurry/starry vision. First my hands went numb (not ideal for driving) and soon my whole body. I eventually pulled over and tried to breathe/drifted in and out of consciousness for a few minutes. Eventually calmed down. Drove home with a vacant, frozen mind. In a panic I called J. and i told him. He knows about this stuff anyways. And of course, like every time it comes up, he just talks about how he doesn't know what he can personally do for me and how I need professional help. And like every time, I say I know, I just can't stop. I'm sorry. I'm scared. and we talk about it. And then the next day we don't talk about it. Normally we only talk about it when I'm coughing blood onto my hands or passing out on the ground. But this time he seems determined. He keeps pushing how, if I absolutely cannot tell my parents to get real help, at least to talk to some kind of adult. Unfortunately, due to my incredible trust issues, I do not have any of those. Except for his mom. I like her, and she cares about me like a normal mother. Not a psychotic mother or a drunk mother, but a nurturing, good-intentioned mother. So J is insisting that next time I come over, I talk with her. And I accepted that. I feel like it could be good...? I dunno. I think I like the idea of her talking to me. There is something about her that is warm and caring and makes me feel like I don't have to be ashamed.
And let me tell you, I am ashamed.
I told J that it would be really difficult for me to start such a conversation and he said "fine. then I'll just walk in the room and say 'mom, elle is a raging bulimic and needs help.' and then leave."
Raging bulimic? I was taken back by that a little. Is that really how he thinks of me. Is that what i really am? Goddamn truth, how I hate to face you.

I am so fatigued

from working for nine freaking hours. my god. Also I ate minimally all day, which I was happy with. Then I got home from work and ate a normal(ish) sized dinner that I promptly threw up. You know what's strange though? I came home from work pissy and uptight and after purging I am so calm and relaxed. I know that can't be healthy hahahaha. oh well.

BAHAHA this is my life. how comical.

I woke up this morning, the image of my skinnier self still prominent in my mind, thinking, I will not eat today. I will be thin. Then, I went to school. Got home AND ATE EVERYTHING. Like, holy shit. Threw up. Thought about things. Stood up, blacked out. Laid on the floor. Ate dinner with my family. Threw up a lot. Went to pick my sister up from sports practice.

And you know what happened? I realized something. J called me right after I purged all of dinner and I just couldn't stop laughing and giggle and smiling and having such a wonderful moment. I know its not normal, but throwing up makes me feel high as a kite. And you know what else? I always play music when I'm purging to help cover the noise, and sometimes I glance in the mirror and realize that i've been dancing a little...like while I throw up. Like, what the HELL KIND OF BRAIN DO I HAVE? And contrary to the capital letters, I am actually laughing. I think I'm to the point where I realize that I am completely insane and i'm okay with that.

Strange world we live in, that's for sure.

Just saw a picture of myself from exactly a year ago today. I look so much thinner. I will be that again. I promise.

Control, Control, I can see your shadow

and I will follow you until i capture you once and for all.

My next beauty pageant is in exactly one month. I am ten pounds heavier than i was when I competed last year. FUCK ME.

Here is the plan: I just had another meltdown/purge fest. Now I am going to go to the gym and burn off anything that somehow managed to stay in my system. Then tomorrow I will fast. All I can have is coffee (black) and water. The day after that will be handled when it comes. I am just going to make immediate plans for now because I tend to screw up when I plan too much.

All I know now is that I am empty and it feels so good. I will retain this emptiness. I will be strong. I will be thin for this pageant.

I will, and no one can stop me.

Everything is just falling apart

my family constantly yells at me for being inadequate, often in a drunken rage. my stepsister decided she doesn't want to be a part of my family and is moving full time with her mom. J is going to ask out that nasty whore skank bitch that I hate and probably ignore me.

Also I am still fat and I still hate myself beyond belief. And i've been doing some damn stupid things. my grades are slipping (steeply), i never sleep, i cry ALL THE TIME because im PATHETIC, and i pretty much have no recollection as to what happiness ever was.

I had a complete and epic meltdown like an hour ago. Ate some pie. threw up. finally a moment of calm. vomiting does that for me. Thats normal, right?

But honestly who fucking cares.

and i have to get another pageant dress tomorrow and im SO FUCKING FAT that i am going to look horrid in all of them.

FML.

I just want to die. Just to waste away into nothingness. Just lean back, arms outstretched, and let the wind take me away.

FUCK THIS

I AM JUST SO MAD AND ANGRY AND SAD AND HURT AND EVERYTHING

J is about to start dating this girl that i ABSOLUTELY DESPISE AND HAVE ALWAYS HATED BECAUSE SHE IS A STUPID, INDECENT, TRASHY, TRAILERPARK WHORE AND SHE SHOULD DIE.

Everytime I think about her I want to vomit. But I cant because I can't eat because of the image of her face in my mind.

FUCK

and DONT YOU DARE SAY IM JEALOUS because im not. I JUST FUCKING HATE HER.

Dreaming

in my dream last night, I wandered about familiar places. Everyone was committing crimes. Some horrible, horrible crimes and others just simple wrongdoings. I walked, seemingly unnoticed, and watched the people I love ruin their lives. (and for some reason it was all in french) Confused, I approached a man, as he continued to cut down every tree in sight, and asked him, qu'est que tu fait? He looked at me angrily and said nothing. I said est-ce ce que tu veux, monsieur? again, only silence. I said, comme tu veux, monsieur, comme tu veux. I then wandered about my school campus, watching my loves make dire mistakes and muttering to myself, comme tu veux, comme tu veux. 


The repetition is what I remember the most. Helpless, trying to convince myself that it is alright.

Passing thoughts

A rush of emotion envelops my mind in a flaring moment of passion- tensions high- like a sandstorm sweeping the planes. But after such a storm, the desert is left baron, empty. In these moments I have to thoughts, vision blurred, body present while soul has left, searching. I suppose it is a result of this neural vacancy that all physical feelings seem more intense. The pendant on my necklace which I seem to perpetually cling to, is my only focus- the noise of it dragging along the silver chain is all I hear. On one side, smooth and slick, my finger slides. I flip it over, and the jewels press their geometries into my skin. I think to myself, perhaps I am connected to this body after all.
and music.
The soft noises, sweet like the zephyr wind, replace the humming silence in your mind. Suddenly a voice in your head whispers to you its secrets and truths and, soon, you begin to believe that those are your secrets and truths, too. Maybe, you think, there is someone out there who knows you- someone who can remind you of who you are or was. But until then, I will fill my head with their voices so that I, chained to the earth by gravity, can at least dream of the ethereal.

Everything is wrong. Everything.

I am perpetually filled with regret.

THIS IS STRANGE

okay so I had this huge math test today and my friend and I both hadn't paid attention for the whole chapter so we went to her house and took a lot of concerta and then learned EVERYTHING and did a SHIT TON of work but it didn't wear off for a really long time so I didn't fall asleep until 4am and I wake up at 530 am so I only slept for an hour and a half but I feel really hyper still which is quite strange and I just feel so FUCKING HAPPY ABOUT EVERYTHING HOLY CRAP

I just feel energetic and everything is HILARIOUS

Free Me.

Please. Let me feel these weights lifted from my shoulders, my wrists freed of your shackles.

The thing that plagues my life endlessly, day after day: desire. For everything. For nothing. There will always be a hole that I need to fill, a flaw I need to compensate for. I am eternally, perpetually incomplete.

Always searching. Always in debt.

I am running in quicksand. Always falling, always struggling.

There are so many things that I want.....to possess, to become, to appear. But its all too much. All of these desires rush at me like water down a hill and I, I am the drain. I try to take as much water as I can but soon it will be too much, and I won't work anymore. I will drown in my own wishes.

"I have a passion for life that could paradoxically kill as if to say- I need everything, so I shall have nothing"
-the beautiful amanda

Calmez vous she says

I am fine. Everything is fine.

In the world of "Fine" everything is neat and tidy. Everything is in its place and the world is calm. I am fine, for now.

I had late start today at school, and I don't have to be there until 10:45am. So while other students all get together and have breakfast at some restaurant, I go alone to the gym and run. And run. And run.

So far today I have eaten a rice cake (35 calories) and don't feel much motivation to eat anything else. Ideally, I could have some afternoon coffee (10 calories) and maybe a bit of oatmeal for dinner (150 calories)

I would be quite content with that. Let's see how it goes.

I KNEW YOU'D LEAVE.

I KNEW IT. I know it. You will. You'll leave me. You'll decide that this is all too much and then you'll leave me. After you PROMISED YOU WOULDN"T LEAVE ME YOU WILL. That's what you're saying. Don't think I don't know what you're doing.

BUT YOU CAN'T. YOU JUST FUCKING CAN'T. DONT YOU SEE HOW MUCH I NEED YOU? HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU?

I'll die without you.

I know that I put you through a lot being all deranged and needing you all the time but OH EXCUSE ME FOR NEEDING YOU. I'M SORRY, OKAY? I'll try not to be such a pain in the ass, really I will.

Please, please don't leave. Please tell me you love me and you'll never leave. never ever.

LENT

I am giving up sugar. Which is amazing because that's where I blow all my calories so PRETTY MUCH WHAT I'M SAYING IS THAT I'M GOING TO BE SUPER SKINNY AND IT WILL BE AMAZING


oh yeah and i've been purging all evening. oopsie daisy.

Another day in the neighborhood

of carbtown, that is.

Btw Amanda- I literally lol'd when I read your comment.

I just eat so much. All the time. Its CRAAAAAYYYYYYZZZZZEEEEEEEEE

fjkdsal; fjdoaps; fjdioa 'jfkds' jfkdsl jk I feel really REALLY HYPER

Also J is all mad at me because i want to party this weekend and he doesn't like it when I do that. But its really fucking stupid to get mad about it because I don't do it ALL THE TIME I do it ON OCCASION so it shouldn't be a big deal! But he's making me feel all fucking guilty and giving me the silent treatment. And then I feel fucking bad because its only because he loves me and then he does the DAMN PUPPYDOG FACE and i feel BAD but the other part of me is like SHUT IT AND LET ME HAVE FUN.

Carbtown.

yup. That is where I live. In Carbtown I sit around and eat carbs all day. Then I drink a lot of water and let the carbs expand and cry because I look fat.

The End.

Feet hurt

i had job training from 550 am to 3 pm. It is a very physical job and let me tell you, I am pooped. I probably burned a lot of calories though.

In the morning I didn't eat anything then on my "break" I ate maybe a third of an 80 calorie yogurt. Then on my "lunch break" (after 5 hours of running around) I told myself if was okay to eat a bit. I was soooo hungry and I still had three more hours of work to go. So I had a lean cuisine and an apple. I felt a little guilty, so to make up for it I am not having dinner. my parents are out and told me to "just make whatever you want for yourself". so I want air.

FUCK I AM SUCH A SCREW UP

i thought that the due date for financial aid for college was tomorrow but i just learned that it was yesterday which means that i am no longer eligible which means I CAN'T FUCKING PAY FOR COLLEGE

GOD DAMNIT WHY AM I SUCH A FUCKING LOSER WHY DIDN'T I FUCKING KNOW FUCK FUCK FUCK I JUST FUCKED UP SO BAD I FEEL LIKE MY LIFE IS OVER

iwishiwasdeadiwishiwasdeadiwishiwasdead

Meh.

that's pretty much how I feel.

I ate some things I wish I didn't. Not too much. I considered purging. Went into the bathroom, rolled up my sleeves, put two fingers in my mouth...and stopped.

No I thought. You don't need to do this. And I didn't. I went into bed and thought about how I was probably getting fatter by the second, but I didn't purge and that's the most important thing.

And I went to the gym so hopefully that will help.

Also I got a job. Just part time, nothing big. Its at an place where you board your pets when you go on vacation. So pretty much my weekends will consist of 8 hour shifts of me running around. Maybe it will make me skinnier.

Hopefully.


OH MY GOODNESS. I forgot to tell you.

Yesterday: Driving home from school the same way I do everyday and have for four years. I am maybe 1/5 of a mile away from school when, all of a sudden, I have no idea where I am. Not exaggerating. No idea. I panic because all of a sudden I am lost, thinking oh my god. I have no idea how do get home. I have no idea where I live. WHERE DO I LIVE? I drove maybe a 1/2 mile to a mile thinking this when suddenly I remembered and continued on my way. But it was freaky.
THEN:
this morning:
woke up at 4am and looked at the clock. Confusion. Lots of confusion. Stared at the clock thinking what do those symbols mean? I know they mean something, something important. WHAT DO THEY MEAN?? I stared at the clock for about fifteen minutes once i'd realized that it was just the time, and I'd wasted a whole lot of it trying to figure that out. Returned to sleep.

I am worried this will become common. Is it normal to forget things like this? I feel like the answer is no. I feel like its definitely a no. But there is nothing I can do about that I suppose.

xoxoxo
Elle

I am Indifferent about the successfulness/failure of this day.

Isn't that always the way though? A day has to be this or that good or bad. Everything around here is in black and white.

You're either good enough or you're not. There is no such this as being 'alright.'

Perfection and imperfection.

Today I did not eat anything until lunchtime when I had to get something from my car. There, hidden in the backseat where I'd left it, was the packed lunch my stepmother sent me with. Inside, I very well knew, were gummy sharks. Delicious little things from my childhood. I ate them in the car, though there were only a couple in the bag, frantically glancing out the window to make sure nobody could see me. I don't like eating around other people. It scares me.

Later, I ate a couple of wheat thins.

I gave the rest to a classmate of mine who noted, "You look so skinny. Have you been losing weight?"

"I don't know," I replied. And through my lying teeth I said "I don't weigh myself that often." When she took the wheat thins she continued by saying, "What's wrong with it?"

"The food?" I replied. "Nothing, I didn't even touch it."

"No," she said. "Why won't you eat it. You never eat."

I laughed it off in a rather convincing way and went about my day. My day, by the way, was nothing but trying to ignore everyone staring at my chest due to the fact that I wore a dress that was a wee bit lower-cut and a wee bit shorter than I remembered it. But, oh well. I lived.

Then when I got home, I had a friend over because we were working on a french project. My stepmom had brought home baked goods from a bakery and for some strange reason, I just was like okay OM NOM NOM. 
I ate one cookie and one brownie. Not ideal in the least, but I will live.

My parents were picking up dinner and asked if I wanted anything. I told them I would make a frozen dinner at home.
Friend leaves.
Take the frozen dinner, shove it in the microwave thinking please please hurry up and cook so I can do this before anyone comes home


Snatched it out of the microwave, my fingers burning from the steam, and dumped it all straight into the garbage disposal before I even had a moment to be tempted. Now I am sitting in my room, the empty food container next to me in an oh, yes I just ate this whole dinner here in my room only a moment ago, you just missed it! kind of way.

So overall, this day was alright. I wish that the pastry incident had not occurred, but I know the fullness that I feel now (partially due to the fact that I have been chugging water to "flush it out") will soon be gone and then I will be calm.

I hope you all are doing well.


Much love
Elle

Just Another Day in Hell

Screw this. I've been eating again today. Less, but still too much.

I hid my dinner in a plastic bag and I hid the plastic bag in my drawer and it smells like shit. Gotta wait for a safe time to throw it away.

Plan that will save my sanity:
Wake up
Drink liter of water
go to school
drink another liter at school
come home
drink liter
sleep
do homework
push dinner around plate
water
bed

I think its a solid plan. I really, really do.

I want to cuddle with someone. I love snuggling. I like feeling like someone is going to take care of me. Like its all going to be okay because I'm not alone anymore.



But I am alone. I'm always alone.

Kill me. JUST KILL ME NOW.

GOD DAMNIT I AM SO PISSED OFF.

I ate so much fucking food and then I had this GOD DAMNED STUPID IDEA LIKE "OH I SHOULDN'T THROW UP BECAUSE THERE ARE HOLES IN MY ESOPHOGUS" so i went to the gym instead and after I worked out for seriously a half hour i was like fuck it i'm throwing up but i couldn't because GUESS WHO ELSE WAS IN THE BATHROOM?

MY SCHOOL GUIDANCE COUNCILOR THATS WHO.

I couldn't fucking purge with my councilor in the room. So I just came home and now its too late to purge and I'm going to become a fat ass loser and nobody will like me because i'll be so FUCKING FAT

AND WHAT IN THE WORLD AM I SUPPOSED TO WEAR TO SCHOOL? I DON'T HAVE ANY CLOTHES THAT ARE GOING TO BE ABLE TO HIDE THIS GIANT FUCKING BELLY THAT I HAVE


FUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKKKKK




GOD FUCKING DAMNIT 


I HATE LIFE SO SO SO SO SO SO MUCH










LIKE, WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO ABOUT THIS? FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK. 


no words can describe the pathetic desperation I feel right now. In honesty, what do i do right now? Do I do jumping jacks and push ups and sit ups until the morning? Do I drink a shit ton of water? Do I bang my head against the wall until i die?

Sigh No More

I knew this was coming.

So I am not sure if I should just accept it quietly or still panic over the fact that I feel like I'm dying.

This is exactly what happened last time.
(and by last time I mean the time when I was in the hospital for complications from all of my eating problems, about this time last year actually)

I was at J's tonight and all of a sudden my chest hurt. Really fucking bad. I went home because (I said) it's a sunday night and I have schoolwork to attend to. But I honestly thought I would die on the drive home. My chest hurts so, so bad as well as my whole rib area. Every time I breathe or cough or swallow it feels like I just got stabbed. No, shot with a gun. Regardless, it hurts. sooo much. And I don't know if its because I'm panicking or because this is just whats happening but I feel like I just can't get enough air and I'm dizzy and my head hurts.

I think I just need sleep. Sleep= fixer of everything.

uh oh part two

So this morning I woke up.

Drank coffee.

Took a shower.

Then, I went into my room, got dressed and started brushing my hair.

With every stroke of the brush, more and more strands of hair fluttered to the floor. I ran my fingers through it, and a little clouds of blonde floated down.

Great. Fantastic. Everytime I walk by the mirror I see my hair all over my shirt (its black so it stands out)

Like, at this rate, it seems as though I won't have any hair by the end of the day.

WHAT IS HAPPENING.

Okay, now I'm afraid.

I have not digested any food in about four or five days. But I have eaten soooo much. I weighed myself and I've actually lost weight, which I am happy about, but I also know that it is subliminally encouraging this bulimia which I am attempting to stop.

Last night I threw up soooo much. Mostly, I take a trash bag into my room and lay it on the floor. Then I play loud music (as I often do anyways) and I'm good to go. I do this because my bathroom is suspicious and echo-y. But now i have like, multiple bags of throw up hidden in my room that I need to take care of. Oops. I know that I'm going to the gym later though, so I'll just throw it away in some random public trashcan like always.

(warning: this is disgusting)
And its getting pathetic. Literally- last night I was purging dinner and right as I'd finished my sisters told me that they were going out for ice cream and that they would buy me one. I said okay. A few minutes later they come back to my room with this big fat bowl of ice cream with a sprinkle-covered cone. I shoved that thing in my mouth while sitting in front of the mirror and the trashbag that I'd already laid out. As I shoved big fat pieces into my mouth, some of the sprinkles fell off onto my shirt and the carpet. I LICKED THE SPRINKLES OFF THE CARPET. THAT IS FUCKED UP. and then I threw up after about 25 seconds of finishing the thing anyways.
MAIN POINT: this is getting way out of hand.

BUT THERE HAS BEEN AN INCIDENT.
that freaks me the fuck out. I woke up this morning with the taste of blood in my mouth and blood on my pillow. Like, fuck. There is blood all over my pillow. Also...I'm not sure if this is possible, but I think that I pulled my jaw muscle. Even if I didn't, my whole jaw-area is puffy and hurts really bad.

Its not like this is new, but i've never had just extreme symptoms. I tried to drink a glass of water this morning, but I couldnt because all of the open sores in my mouth hurt too much.

URRRGGGG WHAT DO I DO ABOUT THIS. There is no adult in my life that I can trust. (And my parents are assholes so I can't tell them)

My throat hurts. I'm sorry that this post is all whining. BUT THERE IS BLOOD ON MY PILLOW. Does that mean I'm dying? Holy fuck what if I die. ahhh.

I'm going to have a moment of honesty with you. I don't like this one bit. And recently, as I've been throwing up a ton, I've also been going extra hard at the gym and sweating a lot in the sauna in the hopes that I'll just pass out and go to the hospital. Because then they'd have fix it. See, I can't get help myself because then the voices in my head will never shut up about how you're so lazy and weak and pathetic and you just want to eat you fat little piggy. But if it was involuntary...I don't know. And I don't really mean this. Because I don't want to get better, I just don't want to throw up. I just want to starve. But I know that I can't admit to one without admitting to the other to actually treatment really isn't an option for me. Bummer. GUESS THIS IS MY LIFE THEN.

Wow, I'm sorry for all of the ranting. Really, I am. But I don't know what to do. Will you tell me what to do?

I already purged my breakfast this morning, but I am truly truly fatigued and I dont think that I can go again today. So I'm hoping that I will just go to the gym, and then come home and sleep/not eat anything else today. That would be the ideal situation.

Hope your days are going well.

xoxoxo
Elle

UPDATE

okay well I purged the other stuff then picked up my little sister then came home and ate:

a cup of rice
4 more cookies
crackers dipped in cool whip (I don't know why either)
3 pieces of bread with lots of butter
frosting
another diet coke


and now that has also been thrown up. My throat hurts like a motherfucker right now, but I also feel nice and empty.

I am going to the gym now, which kind of seems like a recipe for disaster....but I need to make sure I burn off any of those little suckers that didn't come back up (I know, gross)

DEAR WORLD,
please note that bulimia is disgusting. Don't try it.
LOVE
ELLE

_____________________________________________________________________
UPDATE (on the update haha) 7:33 pm


Went to the gym, had a great workout.

Got home from the gym to find dinner still out and hot. My original plan was to not eat anything for dinner (since I binged so fucking much)

HOWEVER since I am a fat loser I came home and ate:

two bowls of pasta
two pieces of bread and butter
two cookies
a rice crispy
a handful of chocolate chips

AND THEN (you guessed it) PURGE TIME WHOOP WHOOP. I really wish I could have had some strobe lights or something when I said that to make it more dramatic.

So I am empty once again. That is three binges and purges today. fan-freaking-tastic. My face feels puffy. I don't like it. It makes me look chubby.

DAMNIT. Why did this happen. This whole day has just been a fail fail fail. And I have a lot of homework that I haven't even started and a huge math test tomorrow that I haven't even started studying for (let alone learned the chapter its on)

I do have one aderall left that I bought a while ago. I plan on taking that tomorrow....I'm just nervous that I'm going to end up having a binge/purge and then I'll throw it up and it will be wasted....which isn't going to help me at all.

UGHHHHH how do I stop binging. H-O-W. This is such crap. jfkla jfda fjiao; fehiwoa dksljfkdls jklafjkldsaj fds
I DONT WANT THIS TO BE MY LIFE

but i honestly feel like I don't have a choice. I literally walked into the house from the car thinking There is going to be dinner there. Don't eat it. But I'm so fucking hungry. No you're not you fat pig you just want to eat. Fine just eat what you want you fatty as long as you throw it all up. All of it. 


And then I ate the food. (by the way, this is kind of strange. But I've actually been like gaging after I eat food. Like almost vomiting involuntarily. Its kind of a problem because people look at me like I'm crazy.)


Everytime I eat i just have that feeling. Like the I know I have to do this but I don't want to feeling.

I dunno. I'm lame.

Oh no

I just binged.

I just ate:

an apple
a rice crispy
a kudos bar
a fruit roll up
8 cookies

GOD DAMN thats a lot of food.
oh, and a diet coke. Can you say purge time? I can.

HERE WE GOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Good Morning Sunshine

Actually its quite cloudy. But I am determined for this day to be wonderfully wonderful, so it doesn't really matter I guess.

I am fasting today (thank god)

All I really want is to snuggle up in bed all day. But there is work to be done, so that's not going to happen. But maybe after school then.

When I woke up both my legs were on pins and needles. Its been a half hour and I can barely feel either of them. bummer.

Semi-good day?

There has been eating involved. However I went to the store and bought two big bottles of laxatives :)

So tonight I am going to the gym around dinnertime (skip dinner) and workout until I am just absolutely too fatigued to carry on. Then, I will return home and drink one of the bottles. Let it clean out my entire system.

Then after that moment, I am beginning a fast. Empty and clean. Perfection.

I wonder how long I can manage to go. hm hm hm ;) we shall see we shall see.

_________________________________________________________________________________
UPDATE

family insisted I eat dinner with them.

ate

and purged obviously


now I am resting and then I will go to the gym. The only thing about going to the gym after purging is that the workout always sucks because you're tired. URG.
oh well...gotta do what ive gotta do.

A moment of calm

day of emptiness.

dinner with family.

purging.

its okay now, just close your eyes. Just rest.

Fuck that, ED forever

Idk what I was thinking. This is my life. I can't give that up.

What I can do is purge less by eating less.

Its pretty much safe to say that trying on my pageant dress today was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Eating= not an option. ever.

Everyone please read this. Life decision being made.

Okay. Anyone, and I mean anyone who is reading this, please help me make a decision. I have officially told J everything I had to tell.

He thinks that I should tell my parents about this. About my problems. So that I can get help and have a happy life. Part of me wants it, too. I know that I am afraid and that it will suck.

And you guys are all probably thinking what a weak pathetic person she just wants to eat she's disgusting etc. But, that's not it. I just don't want every moment of every day to be about fasting or throwing up or a number on a scale. I don't want to have daily panic attacks. I don't want to feel desperate and alone. I just want to do stuff.

You know, I used to have a lot of like, stuff in my life. I used to do things with my time besides losing weight.

So, guys, please help me. I don't know what I should do. Is this a bad decision? Is this going to be horrible? Or could it be a good thing in the end?

There is just a part of me that wants happiness. But another part of me is afraid that happiness may cost me thinness and control.

Please, just give me your opinion. The more opinions the better. I have got to decide what i am going to do with my life before its too late.

Love
Elle

WHAT A SHALLOW BITCH

I was sitting in the jacuzzi with my stepmom today and she was talking about how she thinks I hang out with J too much and how I should have more girl friends.

(by the way, as background, I have been debating whether to join a sorority my freshman year of college)

and then she was talking about how I just haaaave to join a sorority. And then she said, "I'd rather you were in a sorority and had an eating disorder than not be in a sorority." She was dead fucking serious.

WHAT THE SHIT? I literally do not comprehend. Fuck you bitch. I can't believe you would wish that upon me. Little do you know, I am already tortured by it every day. So, wish granted.

I swear she has this image of being being this beautiful blonde bimbo who goes to parties, gets around, and is extremely superficial.

How is that what you would wish upon you daughter?

Like, what the hell? I just don't understand. I am trying SO SO SO hard to understand how a mother (figure) could say that in honesty to their daughter.

She makes me feel so inadequate. Now I am just sad.

Also I am going on a fast starting this moment out of absolute rage. Sort of a "fuck you" to her face. I am just going to refuse to eat. For days. And she can just suck it. I hope something bad happens. Just so that she feels like shit. I can't believe she said that. I AM SO MAD RIGHT NOW.


And I ask again, why is this my life?


xoxoxo
Elle

On Valentine's Day

Some excerpts from "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock" hm? Enjoy my darlings this ironic poem and know that I love you dearly

"And indeed there will be time
For the yellow smoke that slides along the street,
Rubbing its back upon the window-panes;
There will be time, there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
There will be time to murder and create,
And time for all the works and days of hands
That lift and drop a question on your plate;
Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of toast and tea."


......



"And I have known the eyes already, known them all--
The eyes that fix you in a formulated phrase,
And when I am formulated, sprawling on a pin,
When I am pinned and wriggling on the wall,
Then, how should I begin
To spit out all the butt-ends of my days and ways?
And how should I presume?



.......



"Would it have been worth while,
To have bitten off the matter with a smile,
To have squeezed the universe into a ball
To roll it toward some overwhelming question,
To say: "I am Lazarus, come from the dead,
Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all!"--
If one, settling a pillow by her head,
Should say: "That is not what I meant at all.
That is not it at all" "



.......



"We have lingered in the chambers of the sea
By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown
Till human voices wake us, and we drown."




________________________________________________________________________
UPDATE: 8:57 pm

My vomit was pinkish red from all the strawberries that I ate. How festive. Why is this my life? I would really like to step into another person's shoes for just one day. Someone who doesn't deal with this kind of stuff every day...just to see what its like. What do they think about? What to they do? What do they feel? Are they happy? sad? content?

I don't want this to be a part of my life anymore. The bulimia, that is. I hate it. Its disgusting and horrible and dirty.

I am going to possibly fast tomorrow. I just need to feel the emptiness. To restore some purity in my body.

Also today I was at a friend's house and I felt really weird. I went into the bathroom and just sat on the floor. I could feel my heart beat...thump....thump.... and then nothing. for what seemed like forever. and then all of a sudden thumpthumpthumpthump and then nothing again. Finger to the neck, I sat in panic. Am I dying? Am I going to die right here on this floor right now?

No I decided. And got up off of the floor and joined my friends, fucked up heart and all. And hey, its been a whole hour and a half and I'm still here. So its lookin good I would say.

Grrrr

I didn't do what I said I would. Nope I ate all day. I feel like such a fatty and URGGG

Did you ever get that feeling as a child when you were at a friends house or with a relative or something where you would just think I really want to go home because home was normal, comforting, something you could depend on to be snuggly and welcoming every time. My eating disorder is my home. And eating makes me feel like I am away. And all I want to do is run to it and then everything will be alright.


xoxoxo
Elle


______________________________________________________________________________
UPDATE

holy mother of god I am about to be sick. I am just waiting to throw up. I can feel that its coming too. This is weird normally vomiting is voluntary and this is definitely not voluntary. I do not like this at all.

I don't want to go to school tomorrow but I kind of want to because it's valentine's day and if I don't go then I can't partake in stupid high school valentine's shit which as dumb as it sounds is fun

but then again if I don't go I can not study for those two tests that I have tomorrow...

hmmmmm.......

decisions decisions

Faking sick

yup. That's my grand old plan. Its going to be really really effective, too. I am sick of eating. I am just honestly sick of it. Trying to please others. Trying to convince myself that it's okay. It's not okay. I feel like a cow right now and that needs to change pronto.

I need to fast tomorrow. But to ensure that my family will not bug me I am just going to play sick for the day. AKA: free pass to lay around the house all day, sleep, and not eat. I know that makes me sound like such a lazy ass, but sometimes its really nice :)

Plus, I don't know if this applies to you guys too, but sometimes when I play sick I actually become sick. I know that sounds crazy, I do, but it has happened on multiple occasions. Maybe playing sick is just like telling my body its okay to give up and just let whatever could be in there take over. I really don't mind being sick. No school. No food. Pretty nice I say.

Also the other day...I think it was thursday....I told J that I was freaking out for the dentist and why and all that jazz and then later that night he told me he thinks it would be a good idea if I told my parents so I could get real help and get over this. And then he added that he needed to go to bed and that we "would talk about it tomorrow." It is saturday night. Hasn't mentioned it yet. This is actually a conversation that I would like to have, in honesty, to see what he has to say. Plus, if we're being honest, I like talking about it with him. I like feeling comforted. I like feeling safe. It's nice.

Mini Rant: I also just want to add that I fucking hate my drunk-ass parents. Get your lives together you fuck ups why the fuck are you always so fucking drunk you sound like a goddamned idiot i fucking hate you guys

xoxoxoxo
Elle

My hopes always rest on the illusion of tomorrow

tomorrow will be better, cleaner. Tomorrow I won't mess up. That's right, overnight I will transform from my worthless self to someone with control and poise. Therefore, tomorrow will be a wonderful day. I'm counting on it.

I ate dinner with a friend and his family tonight. Like, actual dinner. Came home, and there were freshly baked cookies and cupcakes. FML. Three cookies, one cupcake, and a giant glass of milk later, I want to purge so bad its not funny. However, I am trying very strongly to break that cycle because its a pain in the ass and i'd rather starve.

Also I've been throwing up my birth control which is causing a whole lot of problems for me.

Aderall

how i love you.

If only I didn't have to pay so much to buy you! No, I don't have ADD or ADHD (that i'm aware of anyways haha) but yes i do purchase it off of people at my school.

Loss of appetite? SURE

Super Productive? SURE

Energy? SURE

I LOVE THIS STUFF.

I literally have done like three days of schoolwork in a couple of hours. I feel so badass right now.

(is it pathetic that pumping out essays makes me feel badass? wow what a nerd)

xoxox
Elle

mwah ha ha

I lied my way through the dentist

only moments from being home from having my teeth cleaned I went into the kitchen, ate ice cream, and you guessed it, purged.

THATS RIGHT WORLD FUCK YOU I HAVE PREVAILED

i feel sick.

I must go to the gym. I'll add details to this later

__________________________________________________________________
UPDATE:

yeah so this binge and purge spiral has got to end. I'm really freaking over it. IT MAKES ME TIRED.
For example, going to the gym 10 minutes after flipping my stomach inside out= failure. Worst workout of my LIFEEEEEE. But whatever I lived.

Just ate a bowl of oatmeal. Considering purging. Kind of too tired. Actually that is a complete complete lie I feel like I have so much energy that i could run ten million marathons actually probably not i feel like i am plunging into some kind of manic episode to be honest and i keep laughing while im writing this which is strange because its not really funny i just feel really really hyper

also my gums are still bleeding from 7 hours ago when the dentist lady touched them. COOL I LOVE EATING MY BLOOD OM NOM NOM

hahhahahaahahah wow that was scary um i fjdalk fjda'f jdka' jaf a i dont have coherent thoughts IM GOINGG TO PAINT MY NAILS I LOVE THAT BYE

S.O.S. HELP HELP HELP

FUUUUUUCK  you guys i just fucked up I need help please please help me.

I went to the gym for two hours and felt amazing but the moment I walked in the door there was chocolate cake and then I ate it and then I had to take a shower and so I did and I purged in the shower and my sister totally heard it

I accidentally gagged kinda loud like a couple times and I try my hardest not to gag but sometimes its involuntary and I KNOW she heard because of the way she looked at me and the way she said "I've been waiting for the shower for a long time" because she had been listening

and she just got into the shower and I literally can hear her every move which means the water didn't cover it up like I thought it would

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

WHAT DO I DO I AM SCARED.

I know she is going to tell my parents and my parents said if they found out I was doing this again they would send me away
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

i am literally sobbing and typing at the same time.


AND HOLY FUCK NOOOOOOOO my mom just came in and told me that i have a dentist appointment tomorrow and that i can't skip it this time (i have been making excuses)

no, please, please, someone tell me that this is all just a bad dream. Any dentist that isn't retarded is going to be able to see that i am violently bulimic. My mouth is raw and bleeds.

this is the most horrible day of my life. so far. tomorrow will be worse.

i am so, so afraid. please please help me


Elle

This cycle better not be starting

I have binged and purged twice today so far. Once in the school bathroom and once into a trashbag.

My hands smell like fucking vomit no matter how many times I wash them I can still smell it and my stomach hurts. It feels like someone is stabbing me. Probably a result of my recent purge-fest.

FUCK MY LIFE.

I am going to see if I can buy some aderall tonight so that tomorrow I will be able to just fast, get some work done, break this cycle, and calm the hell down.

________________________________________________________________________________
Update:
just binged again. Fuck my life.

I wish I were dead

and sometimes, I really do.

God damnit. This has been a horrible night.

Ate a huge dinner. and birthday cake. Dad trying to take pictures of me eating birthday cake. Near tears. Shower.

Purging in shower.

Kneeling on the hard shower floor, throwing up and then smashing the pieces so that they'll fit down the drain. This is my life.

I feel like absolute shit like I just want to lay down and die. Actually no. That is too peaceful. I deserve to die a painful, painful death because that's what horrible people deserve. Horrible deaths.

I am greedy, disgusting,
an absolutely pathetic excuse for a human being.

I am fat and ugly and a waste of space.

Someone, please tell me what to do. Or silence it all. 




Elle




______________________________________________________________________________
UPDATE: A letter to myself.

Dear self,

You fat little bitch. I bet you liked that, hm? Taking big forkfuls of food and shoving them down your throat. I bet you liked that you fatty. How’s that belly? Are you expecting? Or are you just hugely obesely fat? Oh, just fat. Hm. If only you had self control like beautiful, thin women do. Too bad you’re weak. You want some more food fat girl? Careful when you walk to the kitchen I wouldn’t want your thunder thighs to start an earthquake. I bet you’ll smile when you see that food because fat people love food. And when you do smile, four more chins will appear on your face, right next to your big, round, puffy cheeks. Then you can grab that food with your chubby little fingers and shove it down the hole in your face. NOM NOM NOM I bet you like that fatty. Good luck ever being worth anything you trash. You disgusting, unclean, mass of fat tissue. I bet you’re unintelligent too. Because fat people like you are worthless. You dumbass. Speaking of asses, yours is huge. Why don’t you sit your giant ass down (hope you don’t break the chair fatty) and eat some more. You are dirty, sinful, and you’re going to hell for your incessant greed you devil. Not even God can see through what a horrible person you are HAVE FUN IN HELL WHORE.  

Love, 

Yourself

@##($)$#(@&#*(@_@

already binged today. DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT SAYING I TOLD YOU SO. I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT.

Oh my

I just feel sick. So, so sick. In my head and in my body. Just, everything is wrong.

I have eaten a lot today. I don't even know what. Just walking through the kitchen and shoving random handfuls of things in my mouth. So lame. And now I feel physically sick...probably because my body is not used to so much food all the time.

I am never going to be beautiful as I so desire. I will never be weightless and empty. I will never flutter in the wind, ethereal and light.

No. I am weighed down to this earth until I die.

I just want to give up. I just want to not care about anything and have this be the end of it all. But there are stupid little things and people that I've got to live on for. Unfortunately for me.

Tomorrow, I am starting something new.

I know this sounds extreme, and I know it seems like I'm setting myself up for failure. But before you bitch at me, just hear me out.

I am just not going to eat at all unless I absolutely must.

Aka- voluntary eating is totally totally gone.

NOW. Just so you know. I am still a teenager, and still live with my family. Therefore, most days I will have to eat dinner with them.

On school days I anticipate no breakfast/lunch/snacking and a possibility of dinner. On weekends, it all depends on where I am.

I am sick and tired of living this life halfway. Either I am going to give this shit up and live like a normal person, or I am going to fall hard and find thinness at the bottom.

So down the rabbit hole we go.


xoxox
Elle

GOD DAMNED MOTHER FUCKER

we didn't have time to get my dress yesterday and then my stepmother tells me like,

MID-FUCKING-BINGE THAT WE ARE GOING TONIGHT TO GET IT

AND SHE ALREADY TOLD J THAT HE COULD COME ALONG

SO NOW I HAVE TO TRY ON MY DRESS AFTER I HAVE EATEN A TON OF FOOD AND I'M GOING TO LOOK SUPER FAT IN IT AND J IS GOING TO THINK IM FAT AND MY FAMILY AND THE LADIES IN THE STORE ARE ALL GOING TO BE LIKE OH LOOK AT THAT FATTY TRYING TO LOOK PRETTY NICE TRY FATTY

AND NOW I DON'T KNOW WHETHER I SHOULD GO THROW UP OR IF THAT WILL JUST MAKE ME MORE BLOATED AND LOOK EVEN FATTER THAT BEFORE AND I DONT HAVE ANY LAXATIVES AND I DONT HAVE A CAR TO GO GET SOME

AND ON TOP OF THAT APPARENTLY WE ARE GOING OUT TO DINNER.

I DONT WANNA GO OUT TO DINNER YOU ASSHOLES RESTAURANT FOOD IS THE ABSOLUTE MOST FATTIEST DISGUSTING VOMIT INDUCING FOOD IN THE ENTIRE WORLD
FUUUUUCKKKKKKKK


FJDSAKL FJDASKL FJDSKLA'J FA'DS FJKDAL'DASFKLAJKL FJDSAJFD
SA


I LITERALLY JUST ATE LIKE 10 HANDFULS OF M&MS AND LIKE 8 COOKIES. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. 




I HATE THIS DAY WITH SUCH A GODDAMNED PASSION. 


UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH


______________________________________
Update: 12:09 am

That was literally probably the most fattening, calorie filled dinner of my life.

and as for earlier, I did purge and when I tried on my dress, I looked like a pregnant cow.

Then my stepmother assured me that I still had two months before the pageant to "do what I do" aka starve and purge. I swear she knows and just doesn't care.

Early

in the day I was thinking that I would write about the dizzy, room-spinning feeling that followed me throughout the day today. I was going to exclaim with a bit of hidden pride that I had been fasting for three days and that I was on a roll. I was going to to say my pageant dress fitting tomorrow wouldn't be so bad after all.

and then I had dinner with my family. Chicken and rice. I feel like a cow. DAMN IT. This just ruined a wonderfully wonderful day. I am just praying to God that I will still be smaller tomorrow and maybe if I drink a TON TON TON of water it will help. For some reason I always seem to resort to that after I eat. Does it really do anything? No idea. But it makes me think I am at least being proactive, and that calms me a bit.

Also I spoke with a girl (lets call her K) yesterday and she knew about my eating problems. How? I wondered. She said it was "painfully obvious." Darnit. However, she has known me for a long time and she was the one I ran to after I thought I was dying of ipecac overdose....so I think the general idea may have stemmed from there. Anyways, I'm not worried about her knowing, because she has admitted to me some issues of her own, and she is also trustworthy.

I feel odd knowing that when certain people look at me, they see this side of me. I just hope, so desperately, that it is not all they see.

One thing is for sure, its all I see.

xoxoxoxo
Elle





------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
UPDATE: 12:32 AM

I absolutely cannot sleep at all and I wish that I had someone next to me to talk to. I'm afraid that I'm going to be fat because of that dinner that I ate and I can't sleep at all. And also I think that one of the pipes in my bathroom is broken, no doubt from all of my vomit and if in fact it is broken all hell will break loose and everyone will know that I'm still screwed up.

and on top of this I'm not even thin WHY ARE'NT I THIN

I just want to see my ribs and my hipbones and my shoulder blades is that so much to ask? I just want them to stick out more so that I would be beautiful. I am willing to starve for them I just want my damn family off my back all the time.

and I have to get my pageant dress fitted tomorrow and I'm dreading it and I'm afraid that I will look like an absolute cow and my life will be over.

And my family wants to go out to dinner afterward and what am I supposed to do then, Hm? I HATE restaurants because everything on the menu is like 1000947382942423908 calories and I don't know what I am supposed to do.

I feel like I'm going to die of helplessness and fjaslk fjda jdalk jdasklfjdakl; I dont even know what to say except for that i keep coming onto my stupid blog because I feel so alone.

I'm going to go weigh myself like twenty times now.

goodnight. And by goodnight I mean I'll probably never fall asleep unless I use some kind of meds

Elle

So it finally happened.

J and I finally talked about it.

Though I was speaking with my body and voice shaking a little, I pretty much explained that I can't go on this way and I know it. He said what I'd assumed, that he didn't know what to do. But that he would do everything he could. He asked me if I wanted his help and I nodded. Though I'm afraid that he won't understand that wanting something in concept is one thing. Yes, I want to live a life free of all of this mentally fucked up shit, but no, I don't want to eat and no I don't want to get fat and no I don't want to change the way I live. So, I don't know how to explain that.

But I don't have any regrets with him knowing. I know I can trust him.

My computer is so lame.

and I have to go get it fixed. When I will be back? Not sure. Shouldn't be long. But no, I was not forced into treatment and no, I did not die.

for now, anyways.


xoxoxoxoxox
Elle

I hate it when...

You are so frustrated, but with yourself, so nothing can help.

When all you want is to be thin and beautiful, but so many obstacles stand in your way, keeping you sad.

When you look in the mirror and feel disgust.

When you can't just fucking relax because you're always worried about something.

When you're perpetually tired even though you sleep all the time.

When even after you go to the gym and fast, all you feel is dirtiness and fatness.

When you eat.

eat
eat
eat
eat
eat
eat
eat

It's horrible.

There is no way to describe what I feel right now. No way to transmit the feelings of hate and disgust and desperation to be anything but what I am. There was a story that I actually wanted to write to you, but I can't right now. I need to have an epic fit. Goodnight.

So. Effing. Screwed.

for finals.

no time for the gym today, and been eating like a cow.






Damn.

LOTS OF ENERGY

yet SO FUCKING TIRED at the same time.


BAHHH ive pretty much eaten enough food to feed a whole fucking circus blah blah blah that's so disgusting gotta move gotta run gotta burn off all this CRAP.

since i know that tomorrow morning's scale will def not be smaller, i can at least hope for the same and not larger.

holy mother of god i am freaking out about everything about food about my final exams about life and ahhhh if i dont do something i am literally going to just implode or explode whatever is more dramatic  no no no spontaneously combust mhmm

I feel thick.

That is, in fact, the perfect word for how I feel.

Thick and sloth-like. Like I am trudging through glue or molasses, limbs moving at an abnormally slow pace, but with a tremendously tiring effort.

I feel so closed off from J since I told him about all of this. He told me that we would talk about it…and then we never did. But he said. And since then I feel like we haven’t had any kind of substantial conversation. I am afraid of what he thinks.

And I know this sounds twisted, but now I feel even more obligated to fast and starve and purge now that he knows….or else it would seem like I was being dramatic or something.

I just don’t understand. He gets so upset if I party or get into so-called ‘dangerous’ situations and then when I am literally killing myself he does NOTHING. And honestly, I made myself completely vulnerable and he’s just done nothing.

“Elle,” he said endearingly, “You don’t need to keep secrets from me.” OH REALLY? Well since I told you, you haven’t done anything. WHAT THE FUCK, MAN. I pretty much just asked you for help and you just LEFT.

Fjdkasl fhdka ;jskldfdlas sda YOU MAKE NO SENSE.

So now there is only one thing left to do. Lose a fucking shit-ton of weight very rapidly. So that you notice. Overdo it by a lot. Faint, stumble in my dizzy spells, refuse to eat especially in front of him. AND THEN HE WILL UNDERSTAND.

My GOD why does this make me so mad? 

I was actually sort of looking forward to that.

To talking to him. To feeling the relief of him saying that it will all be okay. But it never happened.

Since I told him he has avoided heavy discussion, even though he said that he wanted to talk to me about it.

My life sucks.

I just don't know how to bring this kind of shit up, ya know?

What do I just call him and be like heyyyyy I just threw up like a gallon of my insides....so...yeah. bye.

Definitely not how I roll.

This could be interesting.

I told a friend of mine about all of this. All of this bullshit that I call my life. We are going to 'talk' about it tonight.

I bet you a million dollars I'll cry.

NOM NOM NOM

I am so fucking hungry and a giant picture of donuts just came up on my internet. HOLY MOTHERFUCKER I WANT A DONUT.

FOOOOOODDDDDDDDD I WANT TO EAT YOUUUUU. Hungry hungry hippo food food food. nom nom nom nom.

I know I can't have any but I WANT IT. I am on my second day of successful weight loss/extreme restricting and it is going so well
BUT IM SO FUCKING HUNGRY.


i will not binge i will not binge i will not binge i will not binge i will not binge i will not binge i will not binge i will not binge i will not binge i will not binge i will not eat i will not eat i will not eat i will not eat i will not eat.

xoxoxox
Elle

"Doubt is an illness that comes from knowledge and leads to madness."
- Gustave Flaubert

Im sorry Im sorry Im sorry

I just ate a piece of banana bread dear god dear lord please don't make me fat I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I don't know what happened please make me thin amen.

Melting down.

I'm not quite sure why, but I can't stop crying.

Well, I sort of know why. Inadequacy, I believe.

I just feel scared and afraid and I just want someone to hold me and never ever let go so that I will never feel alone

and yes, I am sitting here, mascara tears on my face, in kid's footie pajamas, having a complete meltdown.

This whole weekend I have been holding it together and for one second, I just need to lose it.

I also lost it in the middle of my english class. And in the car.

This morning I weighed myself and felt optimistic that by saturday (when I go shopping for a new pageant dress) that I wouldn't be a complete cow.

Five minutes ago, I weighed myself again and despite the fact that i've eaten nothing, I weigh more.

There is something so fucking bleak about crying in front of the mirror while on a scale. Doesn't really get worse than that.

Breathless

I literally cannot breathe. That is how intense this is.

I don't think I have ever felt as loved as I did last night.

My weekend:
Friday: normal
Saturday: fucking amazing
Sunday Morning: horrible
Sunday Night: One of the best days of my life
Monday: TBD

I feel like shit.

I want to cry.

My Days Are Numbered.

My next beauty pageant is in April.

I want to lose thirty (yes, THIRTY) pounds by April. (I know, its alot.)

I feel like such a failure.

This morning, ate big breakfast. Snacked on veggies. Came home, at a giant ice cream sundae and threw up. Ate like 10 oreos. Threw up. Ate pizza. Threw up. Went to the gym. Came home, ate another ice cream sundae. Threw up.

Now I am just fucking tired.

Basically I learned that April was when this was all happening and I kind of freaked out. I want to win this title, so so so so so so so bad. And right now I probably won't even fit into my evening gown because I was 15 pounds lighter last time I wore it. FUCK MY LIFE.

why is everything so damn difficult?????????

New Pair of Sneakers

makin' me feel fineeeeeee

hahaha. wow I definitely cannot pull talking like that. Oh well. I got new running shoes today and it basically felt like I was running on clouds. AMAZINGGGGGG.

So yeah I will admit in a realistic, yet disappointed tone that I snacked quite a bit today. I don't really know how it happened, but it happened. So....yeah. Too late for that. However, I did go to the gym and had a good hard workout so I hope that will offset the food thing.

Tomorrow is my step sister's birthday and so my mother is making the whole family crepes in the morning. A tradition which, though in small amounts, I will be partaking it. Then, I plan to take some veggies with me to school and then that's about it for the day. And  a workout of course.

BAHHH what is happening???

okay I'm freakin out right now.

So I got out of the shower and I noticed something really weird. The left side of my chest/ribs area was sticking out weirdly.

So I turned around and looked and it looks like I have a random patch of back fat or something on the right side (you know how fat people get that one back-roll?) but its never been there before and the ribs on the right side don't have it.

Either
a) I have a freakishly swollen muscle (possible due to my intense exercise)
b) I have a tumor and will die
c) I developed a random patch of back fat...only on one side.

BAH.

and I look like, deformed :(
FML

I LIKE DYING, WHATEVER.

So today at the gym my workout had to be cut a little bit short due to the fact that I couldn't see, hear, or breathe.

Yeah that was fun. I stumbled off of the elliptical and into the women's locker room.

Then I had to grand idea to go in the sauna. That obviously went well. Bahaha. No it didn't.

I was in there for a while and then I guess I was shaking or something because this other (butt naked btw) lady was like.....are you okay? You look really red and like you're going to pass out. Maybe you should get out.

YEAH NO SHIT LADY.

So i got out and laid on the ground for a while. Then I went home.

It was fun.


Also today I was in a really bad mood all day because I felt like a fat ass.
My body felt fat and the outfit I was wearing made me feel extra fat. I got ready really quickly and put on a shirt that makes me look like a pregnant cow. Needless to say, I just wanted to get the hell out of there.

OMG

I want to be this.

P.S. you know what I love? My family's screaming fights that echo through the entire house.

disappear disappear disappear...

Baby Steps.

That's how I plan to get through the day. Today will be very calm and slow. Every time I am about to absolutely fail, I will just take a deep breath and remember how I don't really want whatever I was about to put in my mouth.

Its already worked once today. I woke up and immediately thought food. I could have breakfast. Just a small one. It would be okay, right? 


And then my rational brain said NO. No you can't. You are supposed to fast today! You don't need that food. Its not going to make you happy. 


And bam. I found success. I really hope that I can just fast today. I don't have the energy to go to the gym because my body is so sore so I really really need to just not eat.

Disgusting.

I am disgusting.

I am a pile of vomit, rotting on the floor. With flies swarming around it.

I am shit.

I am so...full. So dirty.

Dirty. I feel cheap and dirty and used.

WHERE IS MY FUCKING SELF CONTROL???? GOD DAMNIT.

I am so goddamn pissed off right now. I am a failure and a piece of worthless shit.

And my body hurts.

I ate ice cream. ICE CREAM.


THATS WHAT FAT PEOPLE EAT.

OH WAIT, I AM A FAT PERSON.

FML.

Yeah. That's real. PROBABLY WHAT I LOOK LIKE. FUCK.

Well that was quite dramatic.

Last night's dinner outing began with my parents telling me that TODAY I am allowed to go back to trapeze. (In case you're unaware, I did flying trapeze until I tore tendons in my knee and had to take months  off) This is probably the best thing in the entire world. I have been WAITING and WAITING to go back. I couldn't be happier, really.

At dinner I pretty much ate a normal amount of food, by choice. Well, if you call "shoving food into your mouth with shaking hands because you're so manic" a "choice." Yeah, not exactly my clearest moment. BUT worth it nonetheless.

Then, after such wonderful wonderful news, I came home to find my dog. Dying. Yeah, not exactly my best moment. The mood changed really fast at that moment. We honestly thought she only had a few more hours, if that.

But here we are, this morning, and so is she- happier than ever might I add.

But last night....was highly dramatic. Everyone sitting with silent tears running down their faces.




On another note....we had to do another 'creativity on demand' in english. The class after, my teacher told me that he liked my poem. It was a relatively simple comment, but I felt so....I don't know. I want to say happy? But I don't think that's right. Being individually recognized for anything I do is always what I am looking for. But when it actually happens, I feel weird. Like maybe I didn't deserve it. Like, "wait don't judge that please let me show you I can be better."

who knows.


I ate some cereal this morning because if I try to do trapeze empty, I just won't be able to. But that's all I'm eating beforehand, and then after (hopefully) I can avoid everything.


OH. I forgot something important. The last few days I have been having hallucinations. Not intensely, and they only last a couple of seconds, but they're there. Its kind of like...extremely fucking creepy. Also, I think i'm anemic. But I don't really think the two are related.


Please enjoy the random thoughts above.
Love,
Elle

PS does anyone know how to get a song on my blog? I have one that I would love to have play :)

Can it please be tomorrow now?

I have been binging and purging all day. All fucking day.

This morning, ate the lunch my parents packed in about 5 minutes at school with the intention of throwing up, and my dumbass teacher wouldn't let me go. Bitch. Then, I came home and ate a big bowl of lettuce, two handfuls of marshmellows, a bowl of ice cream, and some crackers. Then I threw that up. Then I went to the gym. Then I ate 7 pieces of licorice. Threw that up. Took a shower. Go into the kitchen to find brownies and carmel pecan bars. Eat them. Get to the bathroom. Lay on the floor, exhausted.

I am so fucking tired. Why don't I have any self control?

Tomorrow I have to go out to dinner with my family. I HATE restaurants. With a passion.

I swear on pain of death that I WILL NOT eat anything tomorrow until that stupid dinner. And then I will pick at it and avoid as much as possible.

I feel so, so fat.

Also yesterday I went to buy some green tea at the store but when my family saw that I also purchased some peppermint tea, their first reaction was "you better not being using that as a laxative"

.....what? I didn't even know it was one....

HAHA BUT NOW THAT YOU MENTION IT! suckers.

I feel sick and dirty and ugly and gross.

I also think its safe to say that I've completely lost it. I am honestly at a breaking point here. Yesterday, I paced circles around my room (which is pretty big, enough to pace in) for an hour and a half, mumbling incoherent nothings under my breath. I didn't even notice I was doing it until my little sister opened the door and stood in the doorway in astonishment...I didn't even hear the door swing open. and I walked past her numerous times. When she finally broke my attention, I just thought to myself...wow...i am officially insane.

great.

Yeah, my life sucks.

Today was just one of those days, you know?

I just want to point out that my mornings really set the mood for my entire day. Therefore, if I eat in the mornings, I am almost sure to binge for like, the entire day.

Guess what I did this morning? Yeah. I've been eating and throwing up quite a bit today, which is making me feel disgusting.

In english we had to write a one sentence poem in 2 minutes. I wrote this:

I wonder how I think
I know myself
when my eyes have never,
and will never,
look upon my own face-
but depend completely
upon the reflections
that are given to me;
and if I am only a reflection,
I will never
be anything but vague,
empty.

I hate my life.

I feel so....fat...dirty...etc.

I write to you in front of the mirror.

And I inspect myself, my body. Ass, huge. Thighs, unbearable. Stomach, the worst. Cheeks, puffy. Eyes, glassy and glazed over.

I stare at myself in the mirror for what seems like hours. Not out of vanity (dear god no) but out of complete hatred.

How do I have friends, my god. Who in the world would look at me and not just run the other way. I am in honest shock.






I think I'm going to whore around. Take drugs. Drink. See what happens.

Vague Desperation

I feel empty alone desperate like the world is going to crash down like I'm not thin enough today and since I'm not I might as well die.

I feel so alone. So empty. Absolutely worthless, unloved, stupid. I feel like I want to just be sad but my eyes won't cry even though I want them to. I am just flesh, taking up space on earth. Nothing more. Why can't I i feel anything, damnit? Anything except for inadequacy?

I want to feel happy or sad or loved or indifferent. I want to feel something that isn't just staring into space thinking about calories and how I want to be SKINNY. Please please please god, just make me thin. Then I would be happy.

I am so desperate, so pathetic, so not in control. I feel like everything I have ever had, have, or will have is lost forever and I am nothing.

Where are you? Can't you see that I need you now? I need you to say that you love me just so I know that you didn't stop loving me while I've been gone. I need you to say no Elle, I won't let you fall. I am here, you don't need to worry.

gahhhhhhh

I feel SO JFKLF JDSKL I can't describe it. I feel like time is ticking away and I'm not thin yet, I'm not beautiful yet and if I don't become beautiful TONIGHT then I will never be beautiful ever. And there is nothing that I can do right here and right now that will make me thinner which makes me feel useless and worthless and anxious and nervous and jittery and like, isn't there anything that I can do anything I can do to become thinner faster ANYTHING I'LL DO IT

oh, god.

Or if not that then anything to SHUT UP this fucking VOICE in my head that's driving me INSANE.

It's cold here.

Its raining.

I get this feeling sometimes after spending the day with someone, that once I leave I feel extremely alone. Like now that I am unprotected the world could come crashing down. And I wait until I don't have to be alone again.

The air is cold.

I walk into my house from a day out to a family whose eyes look down and their faces hiding sadness or fear. What a wonderful atmosphere to enter! I really just wanted to turn around and go back to J's. At least his family likes me around.

Also, as a side note:
Dear mother and stepfather,
just because you go into the garage doesn't mean that we can't hear your useless yelling which seems to be endless.
love,
the world.