Sometimes I feel like my world is just crumbling.

Today was just a straight-up awful day.

I did manage to avoid food, but I don't have that 'thin' feeling. Probably because I'm a cow. That would most likely explain it.

School was long and hard and boring

and my car is having all sorts of problems and I can't afford to fix them and I'm stressed because I have to give that two hour presentation tomorrow in french and I really just want to curl up in a dark corner and die.

I hate my life so much it hurts.

I feel fat. I am surprised though by how depression makes me completely uninterested in food. My sister made home-made pudding (which I would normally binge on instantly) and I really couldn't care less. I wasn't even tempted.

please kill me. Or at least give me the strength to starve tomorrow.

Elle

You know I was just about to end this post, and then I realized that I have absolutely nothing to do after I log off. Of course I have schoolwork and laundry and shit like that. But I will do nothing. Honestly, I will probably spend the rest of the evening staring at the wall because that's how much of a waste of space I am.

Normally in the evenings I like to talk to J. But not tonight. Which is weird. It isn't often that I don't want to talk to him. But right now I just want to be alone.

alone from people
alone from problems
alone from myself.

*sigh*
I wonder if maybe I already had a life. Like, maybe this is the afterlife, right now. Maybe I was a really bad person and now I am in hell. It sure feels like it sometimes.

Elle.

I can actually do this!

My day has started out so far as a success. I had a cup of herbal tea when I woke up this morning, and I am actually quite full from it. Now, I am going to school.

Part one: complete.

Cayenne Pepper is too intense for me.

I heard it speeds up your metabolism so I tried that whole, lemon juice and cayenne pepper drink thing, but it was too nasty for me.

It was so nasty.

Fuck that, I'm water fasting.

Just another day.

of failure. Of disappointment. Of being fat. 

I have eaten so much today. I am not going to eat dinner. I refuse. Okay. Then it will be okay. I will just skip dinner, work out, and fast tomorrow. 

I would really enjoy a good, solid few days of fasting. I think what I am going to do is this- 

I am going to fast for a few days, but I obviously need a strategy because I easily give into temptation. So, I will leave for school without breakfast, lunch, or money to cave and buy food. Then, straight after school I will go to the gym. That will keep me away from the after school munchies that literally get me every time. Then, I will shower and by that time I will be so so so tired, so I will retreat to my room and do homework for a bit before I sleep. Sounds foolproof right? Right. 

That is the plan. I pinky swear to you guys that I will follow through. I am so sick of looking at this body in the mirror. Two nights ago I put on my pageant dress and cried in front of the mirror because I looked like such a cow. It was not pleasant. 

Also, I have to get a physical at the doctor soon, which means I really can't be throwing up at all. That is just all the more reason why I need to stick to this plan. I know that if I can get one good, solid day of fasting without any screwups, I will be motivated to do more. :) 

I hope, wish, and pray that I won't be a pathetic loser and fail. 

I am sorry also that I have been gone so long. A BUNCH of my college applications were due and I have a huge french project due wednesday. I have to talk for two hours in french about a french film director and analysis of his work. What a joy. 

Anyways. I am really really really really really hoping that this will go well. 

Love

Elle

Fatigued.

from so much throwing up today.

*sigh*

It's really not how I planned, but what happened happened and I had to do something. However, flipping your stomach inside out actually takes quite a bit of effort, and I am so tired to the point that I am falling asleep as I am typing.

My day tomorrow consists of:

gym
work
sleep
finish ocean painting


pretty good day ahead. And its supposed to be raining so I will just cuddle up at home and drink some nice tea I think.

Hmmmmm :)

For now, goodnight.

Elle

YES! Gym Bliss.

SOMETHING GOOD HAPPENED.

Today I was at the gym and I hadn't eaten much and I had been working out for a while. I was on the stairmaster and I thought I was going to pass out.

I had to get off for a few minutes and sit down.

Like I am talking blurry, starry vision, stumble and run into the wall dizzy.

I AM SO HAPPY. Damn. FINALLY signs of progress.

YAYAYAYAYAYAYAY

Elle

Today and Tomorrow.

Well today began quite well. I didn't eat anything all day. Then at about 3:30 I had a breakdown. I ate some celery with peanut butter on it, some pretzels, a couple oreos, and a diet soda. I felt really guilty and went to the gym. But after my workout I weighed myself at the gym and if that number is accurate I may just go suicidal. Not really. Unless you count extreme starvation as suicidal. Then, yes.

I am really really really really hungry right now. But I've made a deal with myself. I won't eat anything else today, and then tomorrow at 3:30 (when I get home) I get to have a cluster of grapes.

i LOVE grapes. Now I have something to look forward to! Yay!

I am hoping that I can follow through. On the drive home today, I thought to myself, It's okay Elle. You're not even hungry. There is really no reason to eat. You are strong and because of that you will be thin. I felt SO confident. And then what did I do the second I walked through the door? Ate. BOOOO.

So that is my plan for tomorrow. I really need to get on this weightloss right now. I am turning into a blimp.

xoxoxoxo
Elle

Indifference:

I am subdued. I am tired. I just want to fade away into sleep with Ana's song whispering to me in the background.

I didn't eat today. Except the big fat bowl of ice cream that I ate in about two minutes and then purged into a trashbag. other than that the day was pretty much good.

I just worked out on the elliptical....I burned 500 calories. I wanted to do 800 but I was just so tired. I gave up. I tried to justify it by saying the only thing I ate was purged, so it was okay.

Tomorrow morning I am going to the gym at 5 am before school, and then I am going to go again in the afternoon.

I am debating: should I eat something before the gym in the morning so that I can workout better? Or should I just eat nothing? I think that I am going to do something reasonable. Like half a banana. 52.5 calories. Or a rice cake. 35 calories. Those seem okay. or some celery.

ohhhhh. I think celery wins. Just enough to trick my metabolism into going, but not actually having many calories at all.

So this evening, I went to a bible study for teenage girls that my neighbor is hosting. I am not particularly religious, but i'm trying OKAY?

anyways, before it started, this one girl was trying to figure out how many calories she should be eating in a day, and how many she had eaten today. She started naming foods and I knew ALL of the calorie and fat contents by heart. I was slightly proud of myself at that moment. And EVERY question she had about food, weight, calories, whatever- she asked and I had a perfect answer. Wow, she said. You're really....healthy!
BAHAHAHA I had to hold that laugh in.

Oh damn. Its almost midnight and I have to be at the gym at five am. UGHHHH I'm so sleepy. I am going to bed now, and I'll write more tomorrow. Goodnight lovelies!

xoxoxoxo
Elle

P.S. I haven't been screwing up really bad or anything, but I haven't mustered up the courage to weigh myself in about four days. I'm scared. I'm going to do it tomorrow. eek.

Damn.

I am so over EVERYTHING. I just want to have a tantrum because I can't handle things like an adult. which I shouldn't have to because I'm not a legal adult anyways.

FUCK.

I HATE everyone.

I hate my family. I hate my sister who steals my clothes and lies to me. I hate my parents who get drunk and scream at me. I hate myself because I'm not who I wish I was.

and i fucking hate COLLEGES. Like, ffdkas;JKLFDAJSKL FDJSAKL JKLGJDSKLAF JKLDSA GJFKSFKDS

The places I want to GO my parents wont LET ME. and the places they'll let me are too hard to get into or i fucking despise them.

FJSDKALSJDSAKL "DASPD K

And J. He's going to be so far away and then it literally will be me against the world. GOD DAMNIT.

No. not even. Because if there WAS a god he wouldn't BE SUCH A FUCKING ASSHOLE to give someone the life that I have to deal with. FUCK.

*sigh*

I HATE MY LIFE.

Today felt like the perfect fasting day but then SHOCKER I ate like ten tons of food.

I didn't even want it. I was seriously not hungry and I just forced food down my throat because I just can't handle the damn world.

And you know what's absolutely the dumbest shit I've ever heard of?

My parents get wasted. I do EVERYTHING PERFECTLY to stay out of the way, out of sight, out of trouble, EVERYTHING. AND YET I STILL TAKE THE BLAME FOR SOME SHIT THAT DIDN'T EVEN HAPPEN BECAUSE THEY DON"T REMEMBER THE SITUATION BECAUSE THEY WERE SO WASTED

FUCK MY LIFE
I AM SO PISSED OFF AT THE WORLD RIGHT NOW IT'S NOT EVEN FUNNY. 


THERE IS NO FUCKING WAY I AM EATING ANYTHING TOMORROW


OR DAMNIT- SHIT WILL GO DOWN

Can you feel the love tonight?

because I can't, I'll tell you that right now. I need a boyfriend. And i need to be skinny. FML.

*sigh*

I didn't buy the diet pills because I just haven't had time to go out. Yesterday, I worked on college applications for the ENTIRE day. Never left my house.

UGH I AM SO STRESSED.

I ate a couple of rasberries this morning, and in about an hour I am going to the gym. So at least that's good.

Elle

OH but hey Lola darling love the jar idea.

Nothing's gonna change my world

Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup, they slther wildly as they slip away across the universe. Pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my opened mind, possessing and caressing me.

I wanted to fast so badly today. And I did. Until like an hour ago when I ate four bowls of  cereal. *sigh*

instant regret and of course, purging. Now I just feel weak and tired and like I want to sleep forever. I was going to be social tonight, but I think that I'll skip it so that I can go to the gym and become less of a fatty. In fact, I should probably get on that right now.

I feel lonely.

I also had to write a poem in french. I wrote it about J. I might post it on here later but I don't know where it is right now.

I think I am going to buy buttloads of diet pills tomorrow. Just for fun.

Goodnight.
Elle

Reflective.

Well last night I spent about an hour of my evening crying in front of the mirror trying to find something to wear that didn't make me look like a cow. J and I went out to dinner and I have to admit, the second he got to my house, I couldn't be upset anymore. What can I say, he just makes me smile. I even wanted to still be upset (if that makes sense) and I just couldn't do it.

I have been struggling a lot lately because J and I are going to different colleges. In different states. We spend time together pretty much everyday. And sometimes I miss him only after a few hours. Or a few minutes.

I think I might die. To be honest. How am I supposed to exist without him there? Who is going to make sure I don't die?

In addition, I am going to do everything in my power to not eat at all for as long as I can. Sometimes I eat food voluntarily, and that needs to stop. If nobody is around, it ain't gonna happen. And if they are around and expect me to eat with them, I'll just attempt ways around or worst case scenario, eat just a little.

I am too fat than I can bear.

I wish I was beautiful.

*sigh*

Elle

I feel accomplished.

I just finished a piece for my art class that i am really proud of. It may be the best thing I've done so far this year. I feel good about that.

I also just finished working out, so I've got the endorphins going for me there. However this day was very odd. I actually ate quite a bit, but my hands were shaking SO bad. I was in french class and I kept trying to write, but it would come out all squiggly because they were shaking. And also on the inside of my elbow, I could feel my heartbeat really intensely and you could see it pump through the skin because out of nowhere it would beat really really fast for like ten seconds and then go back to normal. It was really freaking me out a little bit.

But other than that, I had an enjoyable day today. Productive and good. I am sleepy, but like always I probably won't get to bed until some ridiculous hour. What I really want to do is work in my sketchbook and listen to some nice music. I may just have to do that :)

Love love love
Elle

Oh. I also had another thought that I wanted to run by you. I am not religious...like not at all. But I used to be until I decided that religion was a load of crap. Yet, I almost wish I had the kind of faith that I see around me. Any thoughts?

ummm

I don't think its normal to be this antisocial. Like I honestly HATE PEOPLE. Like, pretty much everyone except for like a select few. And I mean few when i say few.

I love the gym

It puts my in a fabulously wonderful happy mood despite everything else. This evening, I got back from the gym and my mother yelled at me for lying about where I was. I told her that I was at the gym (which I WAS) and she said there was no way that I could workout for that long (BAHAHAHA). Let's just say I couldn't really convince her using the old "I have an eating disorder and impulsively exercise to lose weight" excuse, so I just got yelled at for like a million years. And while I was at the gym, I asked if she would please record a tv show for me in the garage (where we have a few exercise machines). So then she asked, "Well, why would you want me to record that show if you weren't going to workout there tonight? And you really expect me to believe that after all that time you were 'at the gym' you are going to workout again tonight?"

I was soooo tempted to be like YES BITCH.

I really didn't know what to say so I just got myself in more trouble by yelling back and stuff. She's pissed. Whatever. As long as I can still go to the gym tomorrow I don't really give a fuck what she takes away.

Downside: I didn't get to do my second workout today.

I am hoping that I can just wake up early and workout tomorrow morning, and then do my normal afternoon workout later, but I am not sure how that will go. In all honesty, I am not a morning person. I have attempted to get up early before to workout and I was just grumpy and mad and I didn't even end up doing it.

But maybe, just maybe I can find the willpower to do it. I think I'll at least try. Alright. I am setting my alarm for 4:30 am. Yay skinny-ness! (future (too fat right now))

And that is pretty much it with my evening right now. Except for the fact that I am freezing. I am considering snuggling up in bed or just being cold because it burns more calories. hmmm.....

I hope all is well with you guys :)

Love
Elle

UGH STUPID FAMILY

IS JUST PISSING ME OFF. ITS LIKE- HEY COULD YOU GO AWAY AND NEVER COME BACK? COOL. THAT WOULD BE GREAT.

GETTING ON MY NERVES AND I AM NOT IN A GOOD MOOD DUE TO MY THREE FUCKING HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND ALL I WANTED TO DO WHEN I GOT HOME WAS GO TO THE GYM BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

ELLE DO THIS AND THIS AND THIS AND THIS WELL YOU KNOW WHAT FUCK YOU BITCHES.

Here we go.

I slept for three hours and I still have a bit of howework to do before I run off to class so I shouldn't be on blogger. Last night, my second workout was really good, but then I fell asleep in my workout clothes, which is absolutely disgusting. I want coffee because I am very sleepy.

I haven't weighed myself yet, and I don't know if I have the courage to do it. We'll see.

FML.

I want to tell you where I've been but I am ashamed.

I hate myself so much.


I went to the gym today for a few hours. I am going to workout for 2 more hours this evening. And tomorrow morning. And then tomorrow afternoon. etc.

I really wish I could snuggle with someone right now and feel protected and safe and thin.

FUCK.

I have so much homework to do. I have so much weight to lose. I have so many college applications to do. I AM SO FAT.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.

I am so filled with regret.

You guys....what what what do i do. Desperation is an uncomfortable emotion.


I had another panic attack today.

On the scale.


Yeah.


Like literally, hyperventilation to the point that I had to lay down on the fucking bathroom floor.


FUCK. oh my god I have done bad things.

I am a bad person.

oh no. oh no. oh no.

I feel like this must be a dream of some kind. right? Because there is no FUCKING WAY this is real.

oh yeah and my ankle is healed. but my life still sucks ass.