I hate it when...

You are so frustrated, but with yourself, so nothing can help.

When all you want is to be thin and beautiful, but so many obstacles stand in your way, keeping you sad.

When you look in the mirror and feel disgust.

When you can't just fucking relax because you're always worried about something.

When you're perpetually tired even though you sleep all the time.

When even after you go to the gym and fast, all you feel is dirtiness and fatness.

When you eat.

eat
eat
eat
eat
eat
eat
eat

It's horrible.

There is no way to describe what I feel right now. No way to transmit the feelings of hate and disgust and desperation to be anything but what I am. There was a story that I actually wanted to write to you, but I can't right now. I need to have an epic fit. Goodnight.

So. Effing. Screwed.

for finals.

no time for the gym today, and been eating like a cow.






Damn.

LOTS OF ENERGY

yet SO FUCKING TIRED at the same time.


BAHHH ive pretty much eaten enough food to feed a whole fucking circus blah blah blah that's so disgusting gotta move gotta run gotta burn off all this CRAP.

since i know that tomorrow morning's scale will def not be smaller, i can at least hope for the same and not larger.

holy mother of god i am freaking out about everything about food about my final exams about life and ahhhh if i dont do something i am literally going to just implode or explode whatever is more dramatic  no no no spontaneously combust mhmm

I feel thick.

That is, in fact, the perfect word for how I feel.

Thick and sloth-like. Like I am trudging through glue or molasses, limbs moving at an abnormally slow pace, but with a tremendously tiring effort.

I feel so closed off from J since I told him about all of this. He told me that we would talk about it…and then we never did. But he said. And since then I feel like we haven’t had any kind of substantial conversation. I am afraid of what he thinks.

And I know this sounds twisted, but now I feel even more obligated to fast and starve and purge now that he knows….or else it would seem like I was being dramatic or something.

I just don’t understand. He gets so upset if I party or get into so-called ‘dangerous’ situations and then when I am literally killing myself he does NOTHING. And honestly, I made myself completely vulnerable and he’s just done nothing.

“Elle,” he said endearingly, “You don’t need to keep secrets from me.” OH REALLY? Well since I told you, you haven’t done anything. WHAT THE FUCK, MAN. I pretty much just asked you for help and you just LEFT.

Fjdkasl fhdka ;jskldfdlas sda YOU MAKE NO SENSE.

So now there is only one thing left to do. Lose a fucking shit-ton of weight very rapidly. So that you notice. Overdo it by a lot. Faint, stumble in my dizzy spells, refuse to eat especially in front of him. AND THEN HE WILL UNDERSTAND.

My GOD why does this make me so mad? 

I was actually sort of looking forward to that.

To talking to him. To feeling the relief of him saying that it will all be okay. But it never happened.

Since I told him he has avoided heavy discussion, even though he said that he wanted to talk to me about it.

My life sucks.

I just don't know how to bring this kind of shit up, ya know?

What do I just call him and be like heyyyyy I just threw up like a gallon of my insides....so...yeah. bye.

Definitely not how I roll.

This could be interesting.

I told a friend of mine about all of this. All of this bullshit that I call my life. We are going to 'talk' about it tonight.

I bet you a million dollars I'll cry.

NOM NOM NOM

I am so fucking hungry and a giant picture of donuts just came up on my internet. HOLY MOTHERFUCKER I WANT A DONUT.

FOOOOOODDDDDDDDD I WANT TO EAT YOUUUUU. Hungry hungry hippo food food food. nom nom nom nom.

I know I can't have any but I WANT IT. I am on my second day of successful weight loss/extreme restricting and it is going so well
BUT IM SO FUCKING HUNGRY.


i will not binge i will not binge i will not binge i will not binge i will not binge i will not binge i will not binge i will not binge i will not binge i will not binge i will not eat i will not eat i will not eat i will not eat i will not eat.

xoxoxox
Elle

"Doubt is an illness that comes from knowledge and leads to madness."
- Gustave Flaubert

Im sorry Im sorry Im sorry

I just ate a piece of banana bread dear god dear lord please don't make me fat I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I don't know what happened please make me thin amen.

Melting down.

I'm not quite sure why, but I can't stop crying.

Well, I sort of know why. Inadequacy, I believe.

I just feel scared and afraid and I just want someone to hold me and never ever let go so that I will never feel alone

and yes, I am sitting here, mascara tears on my face, in kid's footie pajamas, having a complete meltdown.

This whole weekend I have been holding it together and for one second, I just need to lose it.

I also lost it in the middle of my english class. And in the car.

This morning I weighed myself and felt optimistic that by saturday (when I go shopping for a new pageant dress) that I wouldn't be a complete cow.

Five minutes ago, I weighed myself again and despite the fact that i've eaten nothing, I weigh more.

There is something so fucking bleak about crying in front of the mirror while on a scale. Doesn't really get worse than that.

Breathless

I literally cannot breathe. That is how intense this is.

I don't think I have ever felt as loved as I did last night.

My weekend:
Friday: normal
Saturday: fucking amazing
Sunday Morning: horrible
Sunday Night: One of the best days of my life
Monday: TBD

I feel like shit.

I want to cry.

My Days Are Numbered.

My next beauty pageant is in April.

I want to lose thirty (yes, THIRTY) pounds by April. (I know, its alot.)

I feel like such a failure.

This morning, ate big breakfast. Snacked on veggies. Came home, at a giant ice cream sundae and threw up. Ate like 10 oreos. Threw up. Ate pizza. Threw up. Went to the gym. Came home, ate another ice cream sundae. Threw up.

Now I am just fucking tired.

Basically I learned that April was when this was all happening and I kind of freaked out. I want to win this title, so so so so so so so bad. And right now I probably won't even fit into my evening gown because I was 15 pounds lighter last time I wore it. FUCK MY LIFE.

why is everything so damn difficult?????????

New Pair of Sneakers

makin' me feel fineeeeeee

hahaha. wow I definitely cannot pull talking like that. Oh well. I got new running shoes today and it basically felt like I was running on clouds. AMAZINGGGGGG.

So yeah I will admit in a realistic, yet disappointed tone that I snacked quite a bit today. I don't really know how it happened, but it happened. So....yeah. Too late for that. However, I did go to the gym and had a good hard workout so I hope that will offset the food thing.

Tomorrow is my step sister's birthday and so my mother is making the whole family crepes in the morning. A tradition which, though in small amounts, I will be partaking it. Then, I plan to take some veggies with me to school and then that's about it for the day. And  a workout of course.

BAHHH what is happening???

okay I'm freakin out right now.

So I got out of the shower and I noticed something really weird. The left side of my chest/ribs area was sticking out weirdly.

So I turned around and looked and it looks like I have a random patch of back fat or something on the right side (you know how fat people get that one back-roll?) but its never been there before and the ribs on the right side don't have it.

Either
a) I have a freakishly swollen muscle (possible due to my intense exercise)
b) I have a tumor and will die
c) I developed a random patch of back fat...only on one side.

BAH.

and I look like, deformed :(
FML

I LIKE DYING, WHATEVER.

So today at the gym my workout had to be cut a little bit short due to the fact that I couldn't see, hear, or breathe.

Yeah that was fun. I stumbled off of the elliptical and into the women's locker room.

Then I had to grand idea to go in the sauna. That obviously went well. Bahaha. No it didn't.

I was in there for a while and then I guess I was shaking or something because this other (butt naked btw) lady was like.....are you okay? You look really red and like you're going to pass out. Maybe you should get out.

YEAH NO SHIT LADY.

So i got out and laid on the ground for a while. Then I went home.

It was fun.


Also today I was in a really bad mood all day because I felt like a fat ass.
My body felt fat and the outfit I was wearing made me feel extra fat. I got ready really quickly and put on a shirt that makes me look like a pregnant cow. Needless to say, I just wanted to get the hell out of there.

OMG

I want to be this.

P.S. you know what I love? My family's screaming fights that echo through the entire house.

disappear disappear disappear...

Baby Steps.

That's how I plan to get through the day. Today will be very calm and slow. Every time I am about to absolutely fail, I will just take a deep breath and remember how I don't really want whatever I was about to put in my mouth.

Its already worked once today. I woke up and immediately thought food. I could have breakfast. Just a small one. It would be okay, right? 


And then my rational brain said NO. No you can't. You are supposed to fast today! You don't need that food. Its not going to make you happy. 


And bam. I found success. I really hope that I can just fast today. I don't have the energy to go to the gym because my body is so sore so I really really need to just not eat.

Disgusting.

I am disgusting.

I am a pile of vomit, rotting on the floor. With flies swarming around it.

I am shit.

I am so...full. So dirty.

Dirty. I feel cheap and dirty and used.

WHERE IS MY FUCKING SELF CONTROL???? GOD DAMNIT.

I am so goddamn pissed off right now. I am a failure and a piece of worthless shit.

And my body hurts.

I ate ice cream. ICE CREAM.


THATS WHAT FAT PEOPLE EAT.

OH WAIT, I AM A FAT PERSON.

FML.

Yeah. That's real. PROBABLY WHAT I LOOK LIKE. FUCK.

Well that was quite dramatic.

Last night's dinner outing began with my parents telling me that TODAY I am allowed to go back to trapeze. (In case you're unaware, I did flying trapeze until I tore tendons in my knee and had to take months  off) This is probably the best thing in the entire world. I have been WAITING and WAITING to go back. I couldn't be happier, really.

At dinner I pretty much ate a normal amount of food, by choice. Well, if you call "shoving food into your mouth with shaking hands because you're so manic" a "choice." Yeah, not exactly my clearest moment. BUT worth it nonetheless.

Then, after such wonderful wonderful news, I came home to find my dog. Dying. Yeah, not exactly my best moment. The mood changed really fast at that moment. We honestly thought she only had a few more hours, if that.

But here we are, this morning, and so is she- happier than ever might I add.

But last night....was highly dramatic. Everyone sitting with silent tears running down their faces.




On another note....we had to do another 'creativity on demand' in english. The class after, my teacher told me that he liked my poem. It was a relatively simple comment, but I felt so....I don't know. I want to say happy? But I don't think that's right. Being individually recognized for anything I do is always what I am looking for. But when it actually happens, I feel weird. Like maybe I didn't deserve it. Like, "wait don't judge that please let me show you I can be better."

who knows.


I ate some cereal this morning because if I try to do trapeze empty, I just won't be able to. But that's all I'm eating beforehand, and then after (hopefully) I can avoid everything.


OH. I forgot something important. The last few days I have been having hallucinations. Not intensely, and they only last a couple of seconds, but they're there. Its kind of like...extremely fucking creepy. Also, I think i'm anemic. But I don't really think the two are related.


Please enjoy the random thoughts above.
Love,
Elle

PS does anyone know how to get a song on my blog? I have one that I would love to have play :)

Can it please be tomorrow now?

I have been binging and purging all day. All fucking day.

This morning, ate the lunch my parents packed in about 5 minutes at school with the intention of throwing up, and my dumbass teacher wouldn't let me go. Bitch. Then, I came home and ate a big bowl of lettuce, two handfuls of marshmellows, a bowl of ice cream, and some crackers. Then I threw that up. Then I went to the gym. Then I ate 7 pieces of licorice. Threw that up. Took a shower. Go into the kitchen to find brownies and carmel pecan bars. Eat them. Get to the bathroom. Lay on the floor, exhausted.

I am so fucking tired. Why don't I have any self control?

Tomorrow I have to go out to dinner with my family. I HATE restaurants. With a passion.

I swear on pain of death that I WILL NOT eat anything tomorrow until that stupid dinner. And then I will pick at it and avoid as much as possible.

I feel so, so fat.

Also yesterday I went to buy some green tea at the store but when my family saw that I also purchased some peppermint tea, their first reaction was "you better not being using that as a laxative"

.....what? I didn't even know it was one....

HAHA BUT NOW THAT YOU MENTION IT! suckers.

I feel sick and dirty and ugly and gross.

I also think its safe to say that I've completely lost it. I am honestly at a breaking point here. Yesterday, I paced circles around my room (which is pretty big, enough to pace in) for an hour and a half, mumbling incoherent nothings under my breath. I didn't even notice I was doing it until my little sister opened the door and stood in the doorway in astonishment...I didn't even hear the door swing open. and I walked past her numerous times. When she finally broke my attention, I just thought to myself...wow...i am officially insane.

great.

Yeah, my life sucks.

Today was just one of those days, you know?

I just want to point out that my mornings really set the mood for my entire day. Therefore, if I eat in the mornings, I am almost sure to binge for like, the entire day.

Guess what I did this morning? Yeah. I've been eating and throwing up quite a bit today, which is making me feel disgusting.

In english we had to write a one sentence poem in 2 minutes. I wrote this:

I wonder how I think
I know myself
when my eyes have never,
and will never,
look upon my own face-
but depend completely
upon the reflections
that are given to me;
and if I am only a reflection,
I will never
be anything but vague,
empty.

I hate my life.

I feel so....fat...dirty...etc.

I write to you in front of the mirror.

And I inspect myself, my body. Ass, huge. Thighs, unbearable. Stomach, the worst. Cheeks, puffy. Eyes, glassy and glazed over.

I stare at myself in the mirror for what seems like hours. Not out of vanity (dear god no) but out of complete hatred.

How do I have friends, my god. Who in the world would look at me and not just run the other way. I am in honest shock.






I think I'm going to whore around. Take drugs. Drink. See what happens.

Vague Desperation

I feel empty alone desperate like the world is going to crash down like I'm not thin enough today and since I'm not I might as well die.

I feel so alone. So empty. Absolutely worthless, unloved, stupid. I feel like I want to just be sad but my eyes won't cry even though I want them to. I am just flesh, taking up space on earth. Nothing more. Why can't I i feel anything, damnit? Anything except for inadequacy?

I want to feel happy or sad or loved or indifferent. I want to feel something that isn't just staring into space thinking about calories and how I want to be SKINNY. Please please please god, just make me thin. Then I would be happy.

I am so desperate, so pathetic, so not in control. I feel like everything I have ever had, have, or will have is lost forever and I am nothing.

Where are you? Can't you see that I need you now? I need you to say that you love me just so I know that you didn't stop loving me while I've been gone. I need you to say no Elle, I won't let you fall. I am here, you don't need to worry.

gahhhhhhh

I feel SO JFKLF JDSKL I can't describe it. I feel like time is ticking away and I'm not thin yet, I'm not beautiful yet and if I don't become beautiful TONIGHT then I will never be beautiful ever. And there is nothing that I can do right here and right now that will make me thinner which makes me feel useless and worthless and anxious and nervous and jittery and like, isn't there anything that I can do anything I can do to become thinner faster ANYTHING I'LL DO IT

oh, god.

Or if not that then anything to SHUT UP this fucking VOICE in my head that's driving me INSANE.

It's cold here.

Its raining.

I get this feeling sometimes after spending the day with someone, that once I leave I feel extremely alone. Like now that I am unprotected the world could come crashing down. And I wait until I don't have to be alone again.

The air is cold.

I walk into my house from a day out to a family whose eyes look down and their faces hiding sadness or fear. What a wonderful atmosphere to enter! I really just wanted to turn around and go back to J's. At least his family likes me around.

Also, as a side note:
Dear mother and stepfather,
just because you go into the garage doesn't mean that we can't hear your useless yelling which seems to be endless.
love,
the world.