???

apparently green tea is supposed to be good for you. too bad it tastes like fuck.

I was thinking earlier today how pathetic my blog is, in so many ways. However, this particular rant refers to a particular aspect of the pathetic nature of my blog. My writing. I have always loved english, and it has always been my favorite subject. However, I noticed that when I write on this blog, I tend to just allow my word-vomit to pour on the page, swearing like a sailor, and sounding essentially uneducated. I would like to apologize to you for this. But I also want to tell you to suck it because nothing is going to change hahaha.

I have such a headache right now. I always have headaches. I don't like headaches. bleh.

I am spending New Years with J and i am glad because there is honestly no place I would rather begin my year than with my best friend in the world. He is the best. I just want you all to know that.

Today a friend of mine told me that I'm addicted to him. And I know that she's right. But you can never have enough of a good thing, right?

OH. okay- someone tell me if this happens to them- I ALWAYS think we are having an earthquake. I live in an area where there are earthquakes, but I honestly think I feel them every day. I think I might just be swaying when I stand haha. But its really wierd.

I am kind of just letting my thoughts splat onto this post and its getting boring so I'm going to get on with my life. I should be reading Anna Karinena because I promised myself I would reread it over break, but somehow I always end up reading Wasted instead. hehe. guilty pleasure.

Elle

KILL ME

or I will do it myself. UGH I feel so fat. And feeling fat makes me feel cheap and dirty and disgusting and worthless.

I ate a yogurt today and a marshmallow (I don't know why either so don't ask) and I think I'm pretty much done for the day. I also went to the gym and worked out really hard to the point that I was lightheaded enough to stumble out to my car in a near-hyperventilation...but whatever. ITS WORTH IT.

My goal for 2011: become inhuman.

Mirror

I am silver and exact. I have no preconceptions.
Whatever I see, I swallow immediately.
Just as it is, unmisted by love or dislike
I am not cruel, only truthful –
The eye of a little god, four-cornered.
Most of the time I meditate on the opposite wall.
It is pink, with speckles. I have looked at it so long
I think it is a part of my heart. But it flickers.
Faces and darkness separate us over and over.

Now I am a lake. A woman bends over me.
Searching my reaches for what she really is.
Then she turns to those liars, the candles or the moon.
I see her back, and reflect it faithfully
She rewards me with tears and an agitation of hands.
I am important to her. She comes and goes.
Each morning it is her face that replaces the darkness.
In me she has drowned a young girl, and in me an old woman
Rises toward her day after day, like a terrible fish.

-Sylvia Plath

I am so disappointed with myself

that I'm not who I so wish to be.

That today I ate ice cream and then after such a good time of not purging, I purged. And knowing my pathetic self I'll probably spiral into a bulimic craze.

and you're probably sitting there thinking well, she had it coming. Nothing like a good old self-fulling prophecy, eh?

WELL GUESS WHAT? Having faith in myself isn't exactly working out

FUCK MY LIFE.

I feel like a damn cow and I have to get weighed at the doctor's office tomorrow and last time I was there I was at the height of my starvation period and I was THIN, DAMNIT and shes probably going to comment on how ive gotten FATTER.

AND THEN I COULD DIE...just hearing those words.

*sigh*

I am going to the gym in the morning for a HARD workout. I am going to sweat and burn. sweat and burn.

To be clean and pure...

I have been drinking lots and  lots of lemon water and it seems to be working well. I think I may add green tea as another option.

Hi, my name is Elle and I live off green tea and lemon water. :)

Plan = fail

the amusement park was a disaster. I feel so fat and bloated and sick and horrible.

I am starting a lemon-water fast to cleanse my system of all this shit.

and on top of it I have to go to the doctor for a physical in two days. I hate my life.

Elle

Wake up in the morning...

not really feeling like P. Diddy if you know what I'm saying. Despite my no food and gym yesterday, I wake up and I"m (WHAT?) FATTER than I was yesterday.

That. Is. So. Uncool.

UGHHHHHHHHHH *frustration*

I want to be SKINNY. Okay, okay. ITS FINE. Maybe if I fast today I'll lose some. Okay. That's what I'm doing.

OH! And here is another dilema: this afternoon my family and I are driving to an amusement park. Tonight, we are staying at a hotel and tomorrow we will be in the park all day.

Being with family all day + amusement park food = DISASTER

So i've developed a plan.

I already know for a fact that my family wants to get In 'n Out on the way there (popular fast food restaurant) which is not not not not not going to happen. However, lucky for me, I hated that crap even in my childhood, so me skipping out on this meal wouldn't seem....out of the ordinary. They will, however, demand that I eat. So, my plan for dinner is to take a pack of instant oatmeal with me to the hotel. I will make half the packet (85 cals) with water and everyone will be happy.

(so actually i suppose that isn't fasting. so scratch that)

THEN. Tomorrow in the amusement park. This is going to be a tough one. IF I AM LUCKY, I think J may join us on this little trip. Then, if he does, I'm sure we can 'break off' from the group and I can avoid meals as skillfully as possible. I can always find a way out of eating with J, even though he doesn't like it, he can't force me like my family can.

I think this plan will probably work :) I feel confident enough. Oh, and I'll be walking all day tomorrow and going on rollarcoasters...which is AMAZING.

xoxoxoxo
Elle

Just as a side note...

RIGHT after I started reading Wasted, it started pouring rain. It definitely was NOT supposed to rain today at all...I think its a sign....of a new beginning :)

Also, I had the compulsive urge to clean out every drawer and surface and container of my room. Purging the bad and useless and leaving it clean and meticulously organized, just the way I like it.

*sigh* oh my this feels so good. I know in a clean environment, I will be happier. Plus, now that I'm awake much longer, I am burning more calories than if I were sleeping...which is good. It's 2:12 am and i am wide wide wide awake. I have a feeling I will be cleaning for a while hehe.

Love
Elle

IM BACK BITCHES!!!!!!!!!!!!

and in full-swing let me tell you.

Why haven't I written? Well mostly because i thought that nobody gave a shit enough to notice whether I was writing or not, and it truely lifted my spirits when I noticed that somebody noticed that I was gone.

:D

SO HERE IS THE DEALIO:
hahaha no- I am not any skinnier. But, thanks for asking anyways.

CHRISTMAS IS OVER!!!!!!!!! As much as I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE J'ADORE christmas, it is the time of tubby tummies and it is over. Tomorrow I am starting a fast. I don't know how long this fast will last, and to me it doesnt really matter. All that matters is that I DO fast (with the exception of tea and water) for as long as I possibly can.

NOW-
to all my darlings: I am sorry that I have abandoned you!!! for ten days. So here is a little recap of my life:
- car broke- therefore stranded in my home
- daydreamed
- wallowed in my own pathetic misery
- ate
- had christmas

That was pretty much how my life went since I've been gone.

Oh yeah and I bought some adderall of a girl at my school and ABSOLUTELY aced like three tests. I'm trying to get a 4.5 GPA this semester!!!!!!!!! That is, if I don't decide that I randomly don't care and stop trying (*cough* never happened before)

I haven't weighed myself in about 6 days. It has been EATING ME ALIVE not knowing. But I'm also scared that what I find will be absolutely awful so I'm not weighing myself until after I fast for at least one day. That way, I will know that something is being done about it and I will be calmer.

LOLA!!!!!! I feel so bad that I was your homepage and I never wrote anything! I'm sorry m'dear. I still love you I promise.

I am going to begin my inspiration by reading Wasted because its my favorite book and always puts me in a good fasting mood.

I am on break right now from school and I go back on the 3rd of january. For some reason, I just want to look noticebly thinner when I get back.
Also, winter formal is coming up, and I NEED to look good in a dress. I haven't purchased a dress yet, because i am such a COW that it's not like I would fit into one anyways...or at least feel good about it.

Oh! and guess what? It's almost the new year.

FIRST AND FOREMOST!
I would like to recognize that the cliche of "I'm going to lose weight in the new year" makes me want to kill people, but- I'm going to lose weight in the new year. so....yeah. deal with it.

I PROMISE I will be on more often :))))))))))))

<3 <3 <3
Elle

I HATE PEOPLE

i honestly just want to live in solitude and not have to deal with anyone. People are greedy and ignorant and ready to steal whatever they can get their greasy paws on at the expense of whoever may lie in their path.

sick world we live in and i don't want to live on it anymore.

When I grow up...

I will cheat and lie to my friends, to my parents, but most of all, to myself.

When I grow up I will starve myself. I will be a sculptor and chip away at myself until there is nothing left. I love my bones. I want them to pop out and say hello.

I am ready.

Something awful happened to me. I ate chocolate, a lot of chocolate.

Then the next day I stepped on the scale to find a number so horrible, so evil, so incredibly bone-chilling that I swore I would never look at it again.

Yet here I am, fat as a cow, looking at the cursed number.

I have officially lost my mind. And its about time, honestly. You can't starve with sanity.

Elle

DAMN

I ate food like...all day. I am fasting tomorrow. END OF STORY.

Loneliness is like fog.

It hangs over you in such a bleak, unavoidable manner. It's a blanket of sadness that makes your limbs suddenly heavy, hanging off your body and dragging you down.

Gravity pulls you to the ground. You can fight it, but in the end, gravity will win. We'll all end up motionless, on the ground.

I just watched the notebook. As much as I adore that movie, it only leaves me feeling unloved and alone.

A few minutes ago, I stretched my arms out, and blacked out. I landed next to a chair in my living room. Now I have a horrible headache. And I'm alone.

I feel so empty. So numb.

I feel so, so sick. It's death.

Oh....this is bad.

I had a bad day. 


I was fine until I got home from school. At that time I proceeded to eat:


A giant bowl of vanilla ice cream
like 10 chocolate chip cookies (no I'm not exaggerating)
A Bagel covered in butter and cinnamon sugar
A peanut butter sandwich
Pancakes with butter and syrup
Bacon
Hash Browns with ketchup
Grapefruit
Celery


This was all within....maybe an hour? 


I LOST IT OKAY.


"I am in blood stepp'd so far, that should I wade no more, Returning were as tedious as go'er"-Macbeth


I hate getting myself into deep shit. Tangled in lies and fuck-ups so deep that you really can't go back. Not even in an effort to make it right. All you can do is continue lying until....who knows.


Elle

I am content with this day.

I did eat, but really not much.

and I am going to the gym.

and I didn't die today.

Verdict = success.

Inhale, Exhale, Go out into the World.

okay. Everything is going to be fine. I'm just going to give the presentation and then I'm done! It will be no big deal at all. I spent a lot of time writing what I will say and it's fine.

And this morning I was almost down two pounds from yesterday morning. Hell to the YES. AH! It makes me so so so so so so so happy.

I am hoping that today I can also incorporate the gym into my day. Because if I eat nothing AND workout, that's really going to boost my metabolism and then I can lose more faster. I am confident that I will not screw up today. :)

xoxoxoxox
Elle

Sometimes I feel like my world is just crumbling.

Today was just a straight-up awful day.

I did manage to avoid food, but I don't have that 'thin' feeling. Probably because I'm a cow. That would most likely explain it.

School was long and hard and boring

and my car is having all sorts of problems and I can't afford to fix them and I'm stressed because I have to give that two hour presentation tomorrow in french and I really just want to curl up in a dark corner and die.

I hate my life so much it hurts.

I feel fat. I am surprised though by how depression makes me completely uninterested in food. My sister made home-made pudding (which I would normally binge on instantly) and I really couldn't care less. I wasn't even tempted.

please kill me. Or at least give me the strength to starve tomorrow.

Elle

You know I was just about to end this post, and then I realized that I have absolutely nothing to do after I log off. Of course I have schoolwork and laundry and shit like that. But I will do nothing. Honestly, I will probably spend the rest of the evening staring at the wall because that's how much of a waste of space I am.

Normally in the evenings I like to talk to J. But not tonight. Which is weird. It isn't often that I don't want to talk to him. But right now I just want to be alone.

alone from people
alone from problems
alone from myself.

*sigh*
I wonder if maybe I already had a life. Like, maybe this is the afterlife, right now. Maybe I was a really bad person and now I am in hell. It sure feels like it sometimes.

Elle.

I can actually do this!

My day has started out so far as a success. I had a cup of herbal tea when I woke up this morning, and I am actually quite full from it. Now, I am going to school.

Part one: complete.

Cayenne Pepper is too intense for me.

I heard it speeds up your metabolism so I tried that whole, lemon juice and cayenne pepper drink thing, but it was too nasty for me.

It was so nasty.

Fuck that, I'm water fasting.

Just another day.

of failure. Of disappointment. Of being fat. 

I have eaten so much today. I am not going to eat dinner. I refuse. Okay. Then it will be okay. I will just skip dinner, work out, and fast tomorrow. 

I would really enjoy a good, solid few days of fasting. I think what I am going to do is this- 

I am going to fast for a few days, but I obviously need a strategy because I easily give into temptation. So, I will leave for school without breakfast, lunch, or money to cave and buy food. Then, straight after school I will go to the gym. That will keep me away from the after school munchies that literally get me every time. Then, I will shower and by that time I will be so so so tired, so I will retreat to my room and do homework for a bit before I sleep. Sounds foolproof right? Right. 

That is the plan. I pinky swear to you guys that I will follow through. I am so sick of looking at this body in the mirror. Two nights ago I put on my pageant dress and cried in front of the mirror because I looked like such a cow. It was not pleasant. 

Also, I have to get a physical at the doctor soon, which means I really can't be throwing up at all. That is just all the more reason why I need to stick to this plan. I know that if I can get one good, solid day of fasting without any screwups, I will be motivated to do more. :) 

I hope, wish, and pray that I won't be a pathetic loser and fail. 

I am sorry also that I have been gone so long. A BUNCH of my college applications were due and I have a huge french project due wednesday. I have to talk for two hours in french about a french film director and analysis of his work. What a joy. 

Anyways. I am really really really really really hoping that this will go well. 

Love

Elle

Fatigued.

from so much throwing up today.

*sigh*

It's really not how I planned, but what happened happened and I had to do something. However, flipping your stomach inside out actually takes quite a bit of effort, and I am so tired to the point that I am falling asleep as I am typing.

My day tomorrow consists of:

gym
work
sleep
finish ocean painting


pretty good day ahead. And its supposed to be raining so I will just cuddle up at home and drink some nice tea I think.

Hmmmmm :)

For now, goodnight.

Elle

YES! Gym Bliss.

SOMETHING GOOD HAPPENED.

Today I was at the gym and I hadn't eaten much and I had been working out for a while. I was on the stairmaster and I thought I was going to pass out.

I had to get off for a few minutes and sit down.

Like I am talking blurry, starry vision, stumble and run into the wall dizzy.

I AM SO HAPPY. Damn. FINALLY signs of progress.

YAYAYAYAYAYAYAY

Elle

Today and Tomorrow.

Well today began quite well. I didn't eat anything all day. Then at about 3:30 I had a breakdown. I ate some celery with peanut butter on it, some pretzels, a couple oreos, and a diet soda. I felt really guilty and went to the gym. But after my workout I weighed myself at the gym and if that number is accurate I may just go suicidal. Not really. Unless you count extreme starvation as suicidal. Then, yes.

I am really really really really hungry right now. But I've made a deal with myself. I won't eat anything else today, and then tomorrow at 3:30 (when I get home) I get to have a cluster of grapes.

i LOVE grapes. Now I have something to look forward to! Yay!

I am hoping that I can follow through. On the drive home today, I thought to myself, It's okay Elle. You're not even hungry. There is really no reason to eat. You are strong and because of that you will be thin. I felt SO confident. And then what did I do the second I walked through the door? Ate. BOOOO.

So that is my plan for tomorrow. I really need to get on this weightloss right now. I am turning into a blimp.

xoxoxoxo
Elle

Indifference:

I am subdued. I am tired. I just want to fade away into sleep with Ana's song whispering to me in the background.

I didn't eat today. Except the big fat bowl of ice cream that I ate in about two minutes and then purged into a trashbag. other than that the day was pretty much good.

I just worked out on the elliptical....I burned 500 calories. I wanted to do 800 but I was just so tired. I gave up. I tried to justify it by saying the only thing I ate was purged, so it was okay.

Tomorrow morning I am going to the gym at 5 am before school, and then I am going to go again in the afternoon.

I am debating: should I eat something before the gym in the morning so that I can workout better? Or should I just eat nothing? I think that I am going to do something reasonable. Like half a banana. 52.5 calories. Or a rice cake. 35 calories. Those seem okay. or some celery.

ohhhhh. I think celery wins. Just enough to trick my metabolism into going, but not actually having many calories at all.

So this evening, I went to a bible study for teenage girls that my neighbor is hosting. I am not particularly religious, but i'm trying OKAY?

anyways, before it started, this one girl was trying to figure out how many calories she should be eating in a day, and how many she had eaten today. She started naming foods and I knew ALL of the calorie and fat contents by heart. I was slightly proud of myself at that moment. And EVERY question she had about food, weight, calories, whatever- she asked and I had a perfect answer. Wow, she said. You're really....healthy!
BAHAHAHA I had to hold that laugh in.

Oh damn. Its almost midnight and I have to be at the gym at five am. UGHHHH I'm so sleepy. I am going to bed now, and I'll write more tomorrow. Goodnight lovelies!

xoxoxoxo
Elle

P.S. I haven't been screwing up really bad or anything, but I haven't mustered up the courage to weigh myself in about four days. I'm scared. I'm going to do it tomorrow. eek.

Damn.

I am so over EVERYTHING. I just want to have a tantrum because I can't handle things like an adult. which I shouldn't have to because I'm not a legal adult anyways.

FUCK.

I HATE everyone.

I hate my family. I hate my sister who steals my clothes and lies to me. I hate my parents who get drunk and scream at me. I hate myself because I'm not who I wish I was.

and i fucking hate COLLEGES. Like, ffdkas;JKLFDAJSKL FDJSAKL JKLGJDSKLAF JKLDSA GJFKSFKDS

The places I want to GO my parents wont LET ME. and the places they'll let me are too hard to get into or i fucking despise them.

FJSDKALSJDSAKL "DASPD K

And J. He's going to be so far away and then it literally will be me against the world. GOD DAMNIT.

No. not even. Because if there WAS a god he wouldn't BE SUCH A FUCKING ASSHOLE to give someone the life that I have to deal with. FUCK.

*sigh*

I HATE MY LIFE.

Today felt like the perfect fasting day but then SHOCKER I ate like ten tons of food.

I didn't even want it. I was seriously not hungry and I just forced food down my throat because I just can't handle the damn world.

And you know what's absolutely the dumbest shit I've ever heard of?

My parents get wasted. I do EVERYTHING PERFECTLY to stay out of the way, out of sight, out of trouble, EVERYTHING. AND YET I STILL TAKE THE BLAME FOR SOME SHIT THAT DIDN'T EVEN HAPPEN BECAUSE THEY DON"T REMEMBER THE SITUATION BECAUSE THEY WERE SO WASTED

FUCK MY LIFE
I AM SO PISSED OFF AT THE WORLD RIGHT NOW IT'S NOT EVEN FUNNY. 


THERE IS NO FUCKING WAY I AM EATING ANYTHING TOMORROW


OR DAMNIT- SHIT WILL GO DOWN

Can you feel the love tonight?

because I can't, I'll tell you that right now. I need a boyfriend. And i need to be skinny. FML.

*sigh*

I didn't buy the diet pills because I just haven't had time to go out. Yesterday, I worked on college applications for the ENTIRE day. Never left my house.

UGH I AM SO STRESSED.

I ate a couple of rasberries this morning, and in about an hour I am going to the gym. So at least that's good.

Elle

OH but hey Lola darling love the jar idea.

Nothing's gonna change my world

Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup, they slther wildly as they slip away across the universe. Pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my opened mind, possessing and caressing me.

I wanted to fast so badly today. And I did. Until like an hour ago when I ate four bowls of  cereal. *sigh*

instant regret and of course, purging. Now I just feel weak and tired and like I want to sleep forever. I was going to be social tonight, but I think that I'll skip it so that I can go to the gym and become less of a fatty. In fact, I should probably get on that right now.

I feel lonely.

I also had to write a poem in french. I wrote it about J. I might post it on here later but I don't know where it is right now.

I think I am going to buy buttloads of diet pills tomorrow. Just for fun.

Goodnight.
Elle

Reflective.

Well last night I spent about an hour of my evening crying in front of the mirror trying to find something to wear that didn't make me look like a cow. J and I went out to dinner and I have to admit, the second he got to my house, I couldn't be upset anymore. What can I say, he just makes me smile. I even wanted to still be upset (if that makes sense) and I just couldn't do it.

I have been struggling a lot lately because J and I are going to different colleges. In different states. We spend time together pretty much everyday. And sometimes I miss him only after a few hours. Or a few minutes.

I think I might die. To be honest. How am I supposed to exist without him there? Who is going to make sure I don't die?

In addition, I am going to do everything in my power to not eat at all for as long as I can. Sometimes I eat food voluntarily, and that needs to stop. If nobody is around, it ain't gonna happen. And if they are around and expect me to eat with them, I'll just attempt ways around or worst case scenario, eat just a little.

I am too fat than I can bear.

I wish I was beautiful.

*sigh*

Elle

I feel accomplished.

I just finished a piece for my art class that i am really proud of. It may be the best thing I've done so far this year. I feel good about that.

I also just finished working out, so I've got the endorphins going for me there. However this day was very odd. I actually ate quite a bit, but my hands were shaking SO bad. I was in french class and I kept trying to write, but it would come out all squiggly because they were shaking. And also on the inside of my elbow, I could feel my heartbeat really intensely and you could see it pump through the skin because out of nowhere it would beat really really fast for like ten seconds and then go back to normal. It was really freaking me out a little bit.

But other than that, I had an enjoyable day today. Productive and good. I am sleepy, but like always I probably won't get to bed until some ridiculous hour. What I really want to do is work in my sketchbook and listen to some nice music. I may just have to do that :)

Love love love
Elle

Oh. I also had another thought that I wanted to run by you. I am not religious...like not at all. But I used to be until I decided that religion was a load of crap. Yet, I almost wish I had the kind of faith that I see around me. Any thoughts?

ummm

I don't think its normal to be this antisocial. Like I honestly HATE PEOPLE. Like, pretty much everyone except for like a select few. And I mean few when i say few.

I love the gym

It puts my in a fabulously wonderful happy mood despite everything else. This evening, I got back from the gym and my mother yelled at me for lying about where I was. I told her that I was at the gym (which I WAS) and she said there was no way that I could workout for that long (BAHAHAHA). Let's just say I couldn't really convince her using the old "I have an eating disorder and impulsively exercise to lose weight" excuse, so I just got yelled at for like a million years. And while I was at the gym, I asked if she would please record a tv show for me in the garage (where we have a few exercise machines). So then she asked, "Well, why would you want me to record that show if you weren't going to workout there tonight? And you really expect me to believe that after all that time you were 'at the gym' you are going to workout again tonight?"

I was soooo tempted to be like YES BITCH.

I really didn't know what to say so I just got myself in more trouble by yelling back and stuff. She's pissed. Whatever. As long as I can still go to the gym tomorrow I don't really give a fuck what she takes away.

Downside: I didn't get to do my second workout today.

I am hoping that I can just wake up early and workout tomorrow morning, and then do my normal afternoon workout later, but I am not sure how that will go. In all honesty, I am not a morning person. I have attempted to get up early before to workout and I was just grumpy and mad and I didn't even end up doing it.

But maybe, just maybe I can find the willpower to do it. I think I'll at least try. Alright. I am setting my alarm for 4:30 am. Yay skinny-ness! (future (too fat right now))

And that is pretty much it with my evening right now. Except for the fact that I am freezing. I am considering snuggling up in bed or just being cold because it burns more calories. hmmm.....

I hope all is well with you guys :)

Love
Elle

UGH STUPID FAMILY

IS JUST PISSING ME OFF. ITS LIKE- HEY COULD YOU GO AWAY AND NEVER COME BACK? COOL. THAT WOULD BE GREAT.

GETTING ON MY NERVES AND I AM NOT IN A GOOD MOOD DUE TO MY THREE FUCKING HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND ALL I WANTED TO DO WHEN I GOT HOME WAS GO TO THE GYM BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

ELLE DO THIS AND THIS AND THIS AND THIS WELL YOU KNOW WHAT FUCK YOU BITCHES.

Here we go.

I slept for three hours and I still have a bit of howework to do before I run off to class so I shouldn't be on blogger. Last night, my second workout was really good, but then I fell asleep in my workout clothes, which is absolutely disgusting. I want coffee because I am very sleepy.

I haven't weighed myself yet, and I don't know if I have the courage to do it. We'll see.

FML.

I want to tell you where I've been but I am ashamed.

I hate myself so much.


I went to the gym today for a few hours. I am going to workout for 2 more hours this evening. And tomorrow morning. And then tomorrow afternoon. etc.

I really wish I could snuggle with someone right now and feel protected and safe and thin.

FUCK.

I have so much homework to do. I have so much weight to lose. I have so many college applications to do. I AM SO FAT.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.

I am so filled with regret.

You guys....what what what do i do. Desperation is an uncomfortable emotion.


I had another panic attack today.

On the scale.


Yeah.


Like literally, hyperventilation to the point that I had to lay down on the fucking bathroom floor.


FUCK. oh my god I have done bad things.

I am a bad person.

oh no. oh no. oh no.

I feel like this must be a dream of some kind. right? Because there is no FUCKING WAY this is real.

oh yeah and my ankle is healed. but my life still sucks ass.

Today is a good day.

I woke up and i was very hungry. It felt sooooo nice. My weight was still up from before... which sucks ass. Curse you, broken ankle! My inability to exercise is a big, big, big, issue since I generally do it everyday. Hopefully on thursday I will get this thing off and I can go back to burning calories all day long. I am tired today and I have a lot of work to be done, so hopefully eating will just not have time to fit into my day.

Elle

well, now that it's done

I can't take it back. The pictures are taken and yes, I probably look like a fat cow, alright?

OH MY GOD SOMETHING EPIC HAPPENED TODAY!

You guys remember that quote "a moment on the lips, forever on the hips" from Wasted right???

A TEACHER SAID THAT TODAY to this girl that was eating in class. She was on like, her second bagel or something and the teacher said that and i was like AHHH OMG.

i don't know it just made me happy a little bit. And don't feel bad for the girl, she deserves it. She sits next to me in another class that is right after lunch and despite the fact that she has already eaten she just shoves other peoples food into her mouth in enormous, noisey bites and it really disgusts me how i can hear the food rolling around in her mouth as she chews with it wide open and then shoves yet another giant piece before she even swallows.

oh god, i think i'm going to vomit.

its THAT gross.

but yeah. I just had to share that moment of glory.

when i started this post i didn't want to write this part because i am an epic failure and i imagine its comical to you to read this and think about my lack of control. However, I shall tell you anyways. I have about two pounds of vomit in a trashbag in my closet. Guess how my day went. yeah.

Love xoxoxoxoxo
Elle

Confessing my sins.

I went on a mother-daughter trip the last few days, and it was nice.

However, there was a lot of eating involved. But not just eating, like, indulgent eating like chocolate and candy and ice cream and stuff like that. I just ate/purged ice cream like an hour ago and my throat burns and my chest hurts.

Right now I am a filthy, disgusting person. You know what my problem is? I keep thinking that i can just go to sleep and when I wake up, I will be cleansed and I will have a new start. But, clearly, that is not how it goes. So I am going to try something different.

Tomorrow I am going to attempt to cleanse myself by only drinking lemon water all day. (no food obviously). but lemon water is supposed to have a lot of benefits on lots of body-type stuff. I am also going to wake up early and meditate in the morning. Perhaps if I meditate I will be able to control myself and not act impulsively.

That's pretty much what I have planned right now.

You know what sucks? I have to take my senior pictures tomorrow. As a senior in high school, i have to take these certain pictures that you like send to a million people with your grad announcements and yearbook crap and everything. tomorrow.

EVERYONE WILL REMEMBER ME BY THIS. FUCKING FANTASTIC.

i have such a headache my god. i can feel the extra pounds on my and i am utterly sickened by myself.

"Wouldn't it be nice? If I could melt myself like ice, or outrun my skin and just be pure wind."

Dear art,

I will pour myself in you and then perhaps one day I will be beautiful, too.

I think that if you never go to sleep, you must burn more calories because your metabolism wont go into like the slowed down sleeping rate. It's 11:18pm. Here we go.

I'm just going to draw and do leg lifts for the next few hours.

Goodnight, loves.

Elle

Pep Talk and Thinspo

okay so here is the deal. I have been taking this new medication that is making me eat and gain weight like crazy and its driving me to the point of extreme action. But, I keep having freakouts and eating like everything that is in my house.

But, today is a different day. Today I am absolutely sure that I will not eat. At all. Why would I need to eat anything? It won't make me happy? But it WILL make me fat. And then I will be sad again. I want to see my beautiful, lovely bones. All of them. And I know that I can do it. It's really not that difficult you know. So I am simply going to focus my attention on other things.

At school, I will pay attention in class and emerse myself in the teachings. At home I will paint, listen to music, and if necessary just sleep to avoid it all. Breakfast is easily avoided. When I get to school, the first thing I will do is just throw my lunch away. (I try to put things back normally to not just waste money). Then, I will find a way out of dinner somehow.

Okay Elle? You know you've got this. You've done it so many times before. Just think of the thinness before you make a bad decision. You can do it you can do it you can do it.

It's not quite 6:30 am so my day is just beginning and I am ready to absolutely not screw this up.

Alright :)

Here we go.
Elle

BLAHHHHHAHAHAHAHA

I CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT.

 FJSAKL JRQAD JFKLPSA KJFLDA:S JKDLA SJKLJG DKLA HFIOEQ:HJ FG UBOI:S KJFAOP UJRQEF:IO JDKPOS JXKLSA JCSA JIRGFVHDW :NVCKA JFCE JFIODHE DIOVDHC JP"DE IKJVBDHNC "ODIKS" OAIJK.

SUCK IT.

the plan:

tomorrow I will fast. no exceptions.

end of plan.

Good? good.

I want to fast

for forty days. It's a goal of mine. But, for now I will just fast for tomorrow. I'm not necessarily religious, but I thought this was interesting:

Matthew 6:16-18 declares, “When you fast, do not look somber as the hypocrites do, for they disfigure their faces to show men they are fasting. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. But when you fast, put oil on your head and wash your face, so that it will not be obvious to men that you are fasting, but only to your Father, who is unseen; and your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.”

Elle

I'm going to be at

my dad's house for the next few days and it will be too risky to be on blogger. I want to give you all my love and tell you that I will be back very soon.

I am going to try my hardest to not get fat.

Love
Elle

GOD FUCKING DAMNIT

I JUST ATE PIE AND POTATOES AND THEN THREW UP I FAIL AT LIFE

I

can't get the smell of vomit off my fingers no matter how many times I wash them. I was watching this reality tv show and this girl was sad because her boyfriend died. It made me sad, too. It made me feel like someone had died. I'm sad. I wish I were hungry. I wish someone was here. I am lonely.

Damage Control Time

okay so here is what happened this weekend. I had to take the SAT on saturday. For those of you not in the US- the SAT is a standardized test that plays a VERY important role in your college acceptance/denial. So I have been studying and taking classes and all that shit to make sure that I do really well. So of course, I ate breakfast on the morning of the test. And then that evening i ate ice cream. This morning, i woke up at 1:00 pm. I have no idea why that is, but i was still exhasted when I woke up. I have eaten today, but just now we had this huge family dinner and I just ate a ton of food. Like, seriously. I ate a lot of food.

Um so the last fifteen minutes or so was me just kindof like flipping my stomach inside out. I think I got all of it out.

Tomorrow I am going to fast. Now not "fast" like oh yeah I'm going to fast and then actually go eat prezels in the bathroom. (don't ask). Tomorrow i will not consume any food whatsoever. It will just be me, music, and paint.

And it will be amazing, too.

I just need one good day of fasting to kick start my re-acceptance of ana. And tomorrow is definitely that day. And hey, if tomorrow goes well, then maybe I'll keep it going for a few more days.

Basically here is my current life situation:
I really have no reason not to fast anymore. The only reason that I needed food was to do well on the SAT and my SAT classes and perform well in soccer.

Well- I took the SAT so that's over and since I have a broken ankle, the soccer performance really isn't an issue.  Speaking of which, I usually go to the gym about six days a week. I AM GOING FUCKING NUTS. All of my anger at the world is just festering inside me instead of being released in exercise. ALSO- I know that means that my daily calorie burn has drastically dropped.

I can't weigh myself with a cast and its driving me crazy. I think I'm just going to measure myself every day and just keep track of that because i need SOMETHING to tell me whether I am doing well or not. I feel a lot better now that I've had a good purge. But I also know that I need to cut that out. Knowing that I have the option to purge can sometimes give me an excuse to eat.

I am excited for tomorrow to come: I know this is going to be a great new start.

"Beauty, as in sculpture, is achieved not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing more to take away."

So i had this grand idea

to break my cast off my leg because it was pissing me off.

I was walking around on my cast, and my ankle didn't hurt. Therfore it was not broken (was my insanity logic). So i walked (which you're not supposed to do) around on the cast until it finally broke on the bottom. So when I went to the doctor I planned on explaining how it didn't hurt and how we could use this opportunity to just give me a walking boot and be done with it. But then they took the old cast all the way off and I saw that my ankle looked like a kankle and it was black.

I bailed on the plan after that.

I now have cast #2 and I guess I'll just leave it on this time. (hehe)

Also today was going perfectly well except for some peanut butter pretzels that I ate which I wish that I hadn't. Other than that, wonderful.

Also my mom said that we will not be having dinner as a family because my little sister has soccer practice and stuff. So guess who's not having any of that fatty pasta? ME SUCKERS!!!

I really have a lot of homework plus I am soooooooo tired so I don't have much time to be on blogger, but if something exciting happens (unlikely) I will come back and write about it or something like that.

Love love love love

Elle

Planning makes me breathe easy

So I am figuring out all of my food for tomorrow in the hopes that it will calm me down a bit.

Today was a failure at best, and i don't even want to explain it right now. I just wasn't in my right mind. It was raining and i am on crutches, and my great-grandma died today, so I was just a bit off.

I am planning on eating one rice cake (35 calories) and one apple (95 calories) during the day. However my grandmother is visiting from out of state so my mother is making some alfredo pasta dish....sounds very fatty. I am just going to talk about how milk products give me stomach aches- so that gets rid of the sauce and take very little pasta that I will push around my plate. I, however, eat the steamed veggies because those are low-cal and actually good for you. I think that will work out just fine.

I am also planning on cutting my rice cake/apples into scheduled sections so that I eat a small piece every half hour. I feel like if I do that I am less likely to freak out and just eat it all at once.

I haven't talked to J all day today because he has been sick and I've missed his call twice this evening but now his phone is off. I wish he would call back again so we could talk and it would put me in a good mood. *sigh* I hope he comes to school tomorrow.

I need to be honest.

and maybe it will help me clear my mind. So since my little intervention-y thing, I've been eating like a normal person. I feel so fat.

But, I kindof have just been going with it. Like, when given an opportunity to lie my way out of it, I didn't take it. I just did what I was supposed to do.

But that is going to need to change. Now that I have a broken ankle, I can't go to the gym- which was my one way to rationalize all of my eating. It's also going to be very difficult to throw up, which I don't really want to do either.

So the verdict is: Hello Ana. It's nice to see you.

I've been getting really bad stomach pain as it is, especially lately, so I think that this is going to help. I really just want to feel the emptiness again and feel thin.

I dont feel thin right now.

Worst part of a cast: I can't weigh myself  :/
I dont really know how I am going to handle it to be honest.

This sucks hairy dick, just so you know.

I fucking hate having a broken ankle. And just in case you forgot or didn't know- I had knee surgery in April and was on crutches. And here I am yet again on crutches. They hurt your arms a lot more than you think. I wonder how many calories you burn on crutches....more than walking you think? It certainly takes more effort.

Anyways- here is what is going down:
1) cut back majorly on food, if any
2) try to do sit-ups and stuff that doesn't require leg movement
4) drink more water
3) be more secretive this time, bitch.

so there's that. Oh by the way since I've had my cast its been raining the entire time, which is fantasssticcccccc

Love
Elle

ps I've missed you, darlings

If that photo doesn't motivate you, you're a lost cause.

by the way- I just read some of the quite famous Dying to be Thin by Ana Regzig and it has got me so motivated. Its. Insane.

Heyyyy guys!

So guess what fine and dandy things have been happening since I've been away?

I've been eating all the time and getting fat. Then I broke my ankle. ITS BEEN FUCKING AWESOME.

I'll be gone

for a few days because i'm going to my dad's house and its pretty risky to go on my blog over there.

wish me luck.

i will be thinking of you all.

love

Elle

To answer your question:

Yes i did go to the hospital. But not how you think.

Last year, on  Christmas Eve to be exact, I was taken to the hospital by my father. Three days prior, I was sleeping over at C's house and woke up at like 3am and couldn't breathe.

My chest hurt so badly that I struggled to breathe and if I tried to eat anything, it would hurt so badly that I would cry.

First I went to the emergency room because I thought that I was like, dying, or something. I spent the next two days there. Then I went home. On christmas Eve, my father took me back to the hospital saying that they "needed to run one or two more tests."

um ya that was a lie. They thought i was bulimic.

You know what he said to me? He looked at me in the eyes and said, "Elle, you just wanted to lose weight. And this was a quick, easy way to do it. You don't have any psychological problems, so don't make this into something that it's not."

*cough* asshole *cough*

Now the funniest, most IRONIC part of this whole situation- I wasn't bulimic. I think that at that point, I'd tried throwing up maybe...once? and didn't like it. I was anorexic. I just tried SO hard to make it look like I was eating all the time that I think I  overdid it.

Their arguement was "you eat all the time, you don't go to the gym, and you're losing lots of weight. Therefore you are bulimic.'

However I was eating almost nothing. I really miss those days. When me and Ana were close buddies.

Anyways, they wouldn't give it up. They said I was bulimic and that was that. I denied it, but I left out the part about the anorexia. They did more random stuff at the hospital with needles and fluid and weighing and shit like that. Then I left, and nobody ever told me what all of those things meant. I didn't ask, because I didn't really want to know.

They sent me to a therapist and watched my every move. They told me that if i didn't "cut it out" then they'd send me away to some live-in place. (don't you just love their loving approach?)

So I tried to 'cut it out'...at least for a while. And then BAM i was back into it. But Ana take two wasn't as natural as the first time around. I was always trying to fast instead of just doing it. And that's what lead me to bulimia.

and now here I am.

Note: I have only talked with my mother (parents are divorced) so when I go to my father's next week, we could be enduring hell. It is unknown.

And now to answer your other question: No, telling J would not be a good idea. He wouldn't understand I don't think. I just like him around. He makes me feel safe.

Sucking Life Update:

I have been eating all the time, and its sucked balls. This evening in particular was a little two much for me. After dinner I sat on the couch, sooo uncomfortable. I tried soooo hard not to. But I needed it. I needed to feel empty again and to feel the release. So I purged.  Which is a highly dangerous senario at this point, but I was desperate. I am also confident that they didn't hear anything. It. felt.AMAZING.

So.....ya. That's where I stand right now. I'm just trying to get through the days at this point. And I'm going to the gym. a lot.

Love

Elle

I can't think of a title because that requires thinking.

and I can't think because I literally have no brains left.

I got into a huge screaming fight with my mother tonight and now I can't go out today or tomorrow. And all I wanted to do was see J tomorrow so that I could be around someone with rational thought for a minute, but i guess not anymore.

I am pissed right now so I'm going to keep it pretty short and sweet.

The talk:

I was at home and everyone else was gone except for my mother. She told me that we needed to talk and basically she was just like all emotional and emphasized how she 'didn't want me to go back into the hospital'

I was pretty much as emotional as a rock and shut her out. She was obviously disappointed that I didn't go oh mommy I love you and I need you.

Everyone needs to feel needed.

But I didn't. I told her that I didn't have any problems and shut down her efforts to talk pretty much.

We haven't really been talking about it since that, but they're watching me. And I've been eating. All the damn time.

I feel like a cow.

The other day I was eating something and I said, aloud "shut up shut up shut up shut up" attempting to shut up the "YOU FATTY" that was echoing in my head. Someone walked in and was like 'who are you talking to'.

it was that moment that I realized i am a crazy person.

After the screaming fight this evening, I had the opportunity to just skip dinner because I was so hated by everyone in the house that they wouldnt have noticed. But I didn't. I took my dinner into my room along with two pudding cups and downed it in about five seconds. Normally, this is the part where I throw up.

But I couldn't. So I didn't.

I'm fucking irritated and I wish I didn't have a family.

This is all such bullshit.

I wish J were here.

I guess I'll just do my french homework now. *sigh*

I think that I should just get a sharpie and write FML on my forehead and leave it at that.

Elle

Frost or Flame.

The worst possible thing

they've searched my whole room already.

they're planning an intervention.

I heard them whispering.

This is the end of me.

Dear world,

I need some assistance.

this weekend my parents told me that they know.

my life is officially ending.

Can someone just put me out of my misery and kill me now?

Gasping

I feel like I'm going to die right now. I feel like I should be making peace with everyone I know and saying my goodbyes because this feels like the end.

I seriously cannot breathe right now because my chest hurts so bad.

I drank two entire bottles of laxatives last night and have been running into things because I am so dizzy and sick.

My entire body aches.

All I want is to sleep. And that's the thing that I can't do. I have been so busy with school stuff today and I still have a good three hours of homework left to do. I am so tired.

Today, after I wrote the post about needing to throw up the burrito, I went into the bathroom to get it done, but I felt like there were too many people around so I didn't. After I had been in there like 30 seconds my stepdad called my name and was like what are you doing blah blah blah and i was like uhh using the restroom?

I walked out and then a minute or two later I walked by the bathroom door and he was in there...like...looking around or something. I don't know. Maybe he was just looking for something. I just have the feeling that he suspects something and its making me uncomfortable.

To be honest I almost wish that someone would just figure out that I'm fucking bulimic just so that I could be done with it. That sounds horrible but I just dont want to live like this anymore. The only problem is I dont want to recover, I just want to starve...which wouldn't happen in this situation.

Point being: this bulimia hurts and I don't want to do it, but I feel like I have to.

In all of those stupid movies about eating disorders they always use cliche lines about how 'its not your choice anymore' and i was always like HA i can stop whenever I want.

Well I can't. I was wrong. I'm kind of scared.

Elle

DAMNIT

I am so full of shit.

I CANT STARVE MYSELF ANYMORE BECAUSE THIS DAMN BULIMIA KEEPS ON PUSHING THROUGH.


FUCKKKKKKKKKKk

gotta go throw up a burrito. bye.

Can't....move....need....water...

so. tired. I don't remember going to sleep...but I just woke up and suddenly its dark outside. I missed soccer practice. Great, now I got no exercise and I will be fat forever and ever and ever and ever.

But then my mother asked me to please go get the cat from outside. I went outside to get him from the neighbors yard where he ran off and barely after I had walked ten steps did I realize that I might not make it all the way across the street. I thought I would fall there, in the middle of my neighborhood and not be able to get up.

I made it, but barely. Now I am back in my bed and dont plan on leaving for a wihle.

Honestly, I just raised my head up to respond to a text message, but then got two dizzy so I just put it back down on a pillow.

I am typing with my eeyes completely out of focus and sometimes just closed altogether.

I need water but its all the way in the kitchen. damn.

Elle

Not today, dear scale.

Today is a very, very unusual day. I have decided to not weigh myself today because I still have a stomach ache from all of the laxies.

Today is the first day of my fast. No food, Elle. None.

I am so tired, I wish I could just sleep. Damn you school.

And thirsty. Oh my god I am thirsty. How good does a big giant glass of ice cold water sound right now? Pretty much like the best thing ever. That's how good.


Elle

 

Urban Outfitters actually sold this shirt. Crazy world, eh?

GUESS WHAT I GOT?

well my throat/chest hurts like absolute fuck

but, as i mentioned previously, dinner was absolutely unavoidable. But since I couldn't throw it up, I went to the store and bought myself two bottles of laxatives. I am going to take ALL OF THEM RIGHT NOW. Then I will be COMPLETELY empty and pure and happy. YAY.

yayayayayayayayayayayaay

Then, starting tomorrow, I will be doing a three day fast. I am serious. No fuck-ups. I am serious right now. I want this so, so badly.

I am smiling. This is going to be a good three days :)

Much affection,
Elle

Here we go again.

Today is just another ride on an extremely fucked up merry-go-round. Running in place, never getting where you're trying to go.

I drove home from school thinking, Elle, you can do this. You don't need food. Really, you don't need it. Don't disappoint yourself. Then I got home and ate two cupcakes and three bowls of cereal in about ten minutes. great.

And then I needed a place to throw up so I went off to the gym. I threw up in a plastic bag in my car and then went into the gym for quite a while. But just now when I returned home, I ate some candy, a few pretzels, and a rice cake. I am now going to go into the bathroom and throw that up once I finish this post.

And tonight dinner is completely unavoidable so I presume I will be throwing that up sometime this evening. Grand.

This is total shit, just so you know.


Oh yeah, and my chest hurts like a motherfucker.

Elle

Don't Let Me Fall.

Where are you? I am blinded by darkness, but still I search for you. Take my hand. Hold me close.

Redundancy

is so tiring.

This morning I ate breakfast with my family for my sister's birthday. Then I threw it up, of course.

Then I went to the gym.

I got home and there were gummies on the table. Candy. Can you guess what happened? I lost control and ate some candy.

Now I am feeling like shit again. Is it worth it? To throw up a few bites of candy? *sigh*

I think I have to because I just can't stand to not. But it is so tiring. I'm so tired. Of everything, of this.

But now I'll go do it again.

Elle

Wouldn't it be nice? If I could melt myself like ice. Or outrun my skin and just be pure wind.

I am lonely. I am disconnected. I am I am I am I am I am

not

what I wish.

I need you. I need to feel something. I need to feel you?

I don't know that.

I wish I wish I wish J'espere beaucoup.

The emptiness aches with a weary dullness that never quite disappears.

Am I alive right now? I'm not sure. Can I feel love, anger, pain? Anything besides this everlasting disappointment, this melancholy submission.

I can't even rant and swear because that just takes too much effort. It makes it seem as though I care when i do not  could not. Even if I wanted to.

So I guess I'll just close the door then, and sketch the beauty which I cannot achieve. Once I am able to move I will work out. I will try to melt this parasite that has attatched itself to my body. I feel like I'm drowing in emotion. I feel like someone is choking me.

Perhaps it is time to draw pictures on myself in blood and pain. Dear scissors, come to me. Make me feel alive.

Elle

*sigh* difficult day.

It really didn't go the way that I'd wished. I feel bloated and disgusting. This afternoon i went to lunch with C and we split a burrito. It was fucking delicious. But then I was already late to class by like 15 minutes and so there was no time to throw up. So I just let it be. I tried to ignore it, thinking- it's just one meal. Regular people eat three of these EVERY day. One won't kill me. So I took my shaking hands and put them under the desk.

Today was J's birthday. He invited me out to dinner with his family and I could have easily said no. I hate restaurants with a passion. But time with J is something I rarely turn down. So I said yes. I ordered one taco. I took off all of the cheese (lots of fat content) and flicked off most of the chicken. I blended it in with the weird garnish crap that they put all over the plate. That left me with a small tortilla with lettuce in it. I ate about half. Then, since we drove separately, I took a little detour on the way home. I stopped at the field where I play soccer and threw up in the bathrooms.

What took you so long? he asks. Did you get lost?
No, I say. C called me so I had to pull over.

I dodged the rest of the evening's food opportunities easily. But then he wanted to talk about the Halloween costumes. He needed more measurements. I insisted no. He asked why and I just said flat out- we just ate and i feel all fat i don't want to. He rolled his eyes and said come on Elle, don't give me that crap. you barely ate anything. I said no again and again until he said fine we'll do it tomorrow. FUCK. I don't want to fucking do it.

Then i got home and there is ice cream in the freezer. I just went to get some ice cubes and i found ice cream instead. Now let me tell you the deal with ice cream. I really don't even like it that much. But something about it makes me feel like I'm six, ignorant to the mindless rants of adult life, humming disney princess songs in my head while i dream of unicorns and prince charmings. So when I see ice cream. I just eat it. Its like I dont have a choice.

So I got home- not wanting anything, and ate some. I had to run to the gas station so I grabbed a plastic bag and went to the gas station. But first I stopped at an empty parking lot and threw up into the bag inside my car. I am NOT happy with that experience. I was gagging with heaving, panicked movements. Tears rolled down my face as I hasted the gag spot with my fingers as fast as I could thinking- please please please don't make me fat. I do not think that I got it all out. It wouldn't come up all the way, for some strange reason.

I just want to have a good fast. Like a good old-fashioned all out fast. For like a week or so. I hate that I have a family. Assholes hold me back.

I wanted to tell J after I threw up his birthday dinner about everything. I was close,  but I couldn't. Once I take it far enough something tragic will happen and then he will find out. That's the way I see it, anyways.

I have to take this big test tomorrow morning, and its really important. But I dont want to eat. So. I think I am going to have a banana (90 calories) in the morning and bring a rice cake (35 calories) with me to the test to eat at the break. Then once the test is done I really have no reason to eat, so I won't. That leaves me at 125 calories for the day, which I am fine with. I also think I'll be able to hit the gym tomorrow evening so that should help me undo all the fucking damage that I did today.

I'm tired and I'm sad. I just want to sleep and never wake up. When I get in the car, I pray please, please someone just hit me. Someone hit my car. Let me be in a coma and then wake up in two month emaciated and thin. Everyone would be happy and tell me how they love me. I would be beautiful and thin and loved. If only, If only.

*sigh*

I suppose that is all for tonight.

Love
Elle

"I wanted to kill the me underneath. That fact haunted my days and nights. When you realize that you hate yourself so much, when you realize that you cannot stand who you are, and this deep spite has been the motivation behind your behavior for many years, your brain can't quite deal with it. It will try very hard to avoid that realization; it will try, in a last-ditch effort to keep your remaining parts alive, to remake the rest of you. This is, I believe different from the suicidal wish of those who are in so much pain that death feels like relief, different from the suicide I would later attempt, trying to escape that pain. This is a wish to murder yourself; the connotation of kill is too mild. This is a belief that you deserve slow torture, violent death."

I forget what this post was about at the beginning.

Life has so much unnecessary drama that is just downright primitive. All people really want is someone to understand them. Each person just wants to express their feelings so that others will understand exactly what they mean. Words, however, are unqualified for this duty. Their inefficiency leads to frustration and disagreement.

If only you could take their hand and press it to your heart. If when they felt the beating they could see it. feel it. Every memory, thought, and feeling you've ever had. Then they would understand what is means to be you. Then they would know why you hesitate and cry in the darkness. I am afraid, though, that if I let his hand feel my heart, he will feel the way it skips beats- it pauses and fires rapidly. It lacks the continuity of a normal heart's rhythm. His eyebrows would furrow and he might walk away. Wait, I would call, you have to understand. But he would be gone.

Once you have told another of your heart, you have a strange feeling as though it needs to be protected. That's what humans crave after all- control. You think- your heart is not the same as mine. Therefore I resent you. And the hatred between men begins here.

The need to be wanted fuels our existence. I don't wake up early every morning to gussy up for myself. I do it for you, dear strangers. I starve myself for you. One day, I will die for you.

I am not made of flesh.
I am made of light
or darkness perhaps.
A projection of Ophelia
in our own
Tragic world.

I was going to fast today. However when I returned home from school there was a box of Golden Grahams on the table. The box had a tag that said 'eat me.' Ignorant as I was, I picked up the box and ate some. Suddenly I grew; I was taller and larger and bigger and my clothes were torn off of my giant body. I cried tears the size of basketballs and they eventually filled the room. I swam in my tears, searching for the bottle that was supposed to shrink me back down. It was nowhere to be found. So, unlike Alice I had to shrink the old fashioned way.

I have quite a system set up in my bedroom now. I have a towel that I keep in my closet that I lay down on the bed. Then on top of that I have a trash bag. I just kneel on the top of my bed and purge right into the bag. I open the window, spray a little perfume, put away the towel and it's like nothing happened. Yes, sometimes disposing of a garbage bag of vomit is annoying, but hey- I never said life was easy. So now I have a barf bag sitting in my room that I must find a new home for.

I am disappointed in myself. I am disappointed that I could not compose myself at home. I was so close, too. I had to go to the grocery store earlier and while waiting in line I had rapid thoughts. They flashed through my mind faster than I could comprehend them. Food food food hungry hungry hungry. Looked at the candy stand next to the register. Shook my head and bought a bottle of water instead. Good girl, I thought. And then this. *sigh*

Well, I have already found my way around dinner, so as long as I workout extra hard today at soccer practice i think that it will be okay. I hope that it will be okay.

Until then, I am just going to collapse into sleep for a half hour or so. I am exhausted, and my hands are still a bit shaky.

"My god! people say. You have so much self-control! And later: My god. You're so, so sick. When people say this, they turn their heads, you've won your little game. You have proven your thesis that no-body-likes-me-everybody-hates-me, guess-I'll-just-eat-worms. You get to sink back into your hospital bed, shrieking with righteous indignation. See? you get to say. I knew you'd give up on me. I knew you'd leave."

Dear Marya Hornbacher,
I wish that I was you. Thank you for your words of wisdom.
Love,
Elle

Quod me nutrit, me destruit.

Lunch period was a disaster today. J and C insisted that I come with them to get lunch. I got rice. After I bought it, it sat in front of me and suddenly didn't seem so bad. It seemed kind of fine actually. So I ate some. Then I got to my next class and panicked.
I was jittery and nervous until finally I was able to go to the bathroom and purge. It was a difficult task- our bathrooms all have multiple stalls and are VERY echo-y. Luckily, there was only one other girl in there, so once she left I had the place to myself. The echo was a big issue though. Like a big issue. I did it anyways and thank god it didn't hurt like hell. It was loud though.

In class I wrote:
The idea, not the food, is a pervert. When you least expect it, the idea creeps out of a secret corner. Or perhaps someone put it there. But once it finds you, it paracidically tears into your brain. Your values, wishes, and rational thought are replaced with an obsession with the idea. The obsession hits you hard and fast so that your rash actions do not have time to be questioned. Before you know it your precious emptiness has been stolen, leaving you alone and disoriented. Then you fall. Down the rabbit hole, as Alice would say. When you fall, you search for a solution, frantically reaching out for anything. You wait for the jolt that wakes you from such a nightmare. However, it is impossible to wake up from life unless you are able to commit to death. So instead you think of a way to simply not fall. You are falling because you are heavier than air. If you become light, you will not fall but float, and therfore be happy. To be ethereal and feather-like. To be something beautiful- it is the only thing that will save you now. Myself.

I also ate a yogurt when i got home which I promptly purged in quite an enjoyable manner. There is something about creamy foods which makes them both easy and pleasant to throw back up. I think the creaminess sort of covers up the acid so its smooth instead of viciously tearing your esophogus on the way up. But hey, who knows.

also. this evening J took all of my measurements. We're making Halloween costumes together for fun (hehe) but i was really, really, not looking forward to that part. like literally he wrapped a tape measure around my waist and wrote down how fucking huge it was. and while he was measuring it he was probably just staring at my stomach thinking about how fat i am. ew ew ew ew ew ew. i want to cry just thinking about it.

Today all that i ate was that food that i threw up. so its not that bad. well, at least that is how i'm rationalizing it. rice and yogurt wont kill you rice and yogurt wont kill you rice and yogurt wont kill you especially if you threw it up.

I did however just drink a whole bottle of water and the fullness is making me nervous. and its just water. that's pathetic.

OH MY GOD. I forgot to say what happened this evening. I was in an SAT prep class and C was texting me and she said she had a stomach ache. During the class I was getting these really sharp painful feelings in my stomach so I responded that and she said "yeah probably from throwing up all the time."

um. what? HOW THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT. I responded "what?" and she said "I dunno just throwing out ideas" and didn't mention it again. Its making me so uncomfortable.

I didn't make it to the gym today either, which I am not proud of. I AM fasting tomorrow if it KILLS ME goddamnit and everyone else can just suck it. I refuse to be pressured into food again. no. no. no.

"And so I went through the looking glass, stepped into the netherworld, where up is down and food is greed, where convex mirrors cover the walls, where death is honor and flesh is weak. It is ever so easy to go. Harder to find your way back"

While I was out...

my world flipped upside down. Through the looking glass where everything is upside down and backwards and sad.


My mind, pounding with the stress headaches, went onto autopilot. My soul simply a stranger watching from afar, I simply had no control over the actions of my body. Yet, my mind assumes responsibility regardless of my control.


I sit. I stare at the wall. I am mentally empty, and physically yearning to be. I always want what I can't have and therefore wanting food poses a problem that I face daily. The month of august has bestowed upon me a godly title, in that I am now responsible for the 'give and take' theory that the church go-ers eat up like free food. I mind about my duties and then suddenly, as if summoned by an unearthly monster, the emptiness engulfs me. I am drowning in it and as the ground falls beneath my feet I run to the kitchen to fill the emptiness- quick, before I have time to feel it. And you eat chocolate while the toast is in the toaster and you eat toast while you scoop out ice cream and grab your keys to drive somewhere, anywhere with cheap food. and then you eat. The emptiness, the one you were running from, has been conquered. However, the even worse fullness hits you- and you need the emptiness back. NOW. You'll do anything to get it back. You drive to a toilet, you go home to the bathroom, or you just get a trash bag and do it in your bedroom. And then you flip yourself inside out until you're empty once again.


ground zero. and repeat.


If I attempt to recall exactly how august-present has gone, I would label it with that paragraph. Partly because it's the truth. Partly because I just can't remember anything else.


However, now that school has begun, I have changed dramatically from this chaotic heaving.
1. because I am out of the house a lot more and therefore are unsupervised and do not have to eat
2. because now when i throw up it feels like someone is stabbing me in the chest and it makes me gasp for breath and shake
3. i need to go to the dentist soon. I dont want them figuring it out.


so- starvation is my new bestie. Today I have eaten 4 peanut butter pretzels. I'm happy with that. When I have school its fairly simple. I am up (painfully) early- so nobody will question whether I ate breakfast. Then I either throw away my lunch or give it to J (best friend. basically my brother.) and he will (as teenage boys always do) eat it. Then I can avoid dinner on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday because i have soccer during dinnertime and everyone just forgets about me. and on the other days I will normally nibble and rant about how so and so and I went out for such and such so I'm not that hungry. Or I just don't say anything.


So it's been working out well for me. My body is hungry, but my mind is unaffected. I'm really not worried about bingeing because I just dont have the desire to eat. Recently, I look at food and it's sort of like just another object. No feelings attached.


I'll update more about J and all that stuff tomorrow,  I just got home from soccer and let me tell you- sprinting on empty is tiring. I just want to fall asleep and live in my fantasy world forever.
Goodnight, lovelies.


Elle <3

"I have a passion for life that could paradoxically kill as if to say 'I need everything, so I shall have nothing'"

I'm Back.

Well hello blogger. I've missed you the last few weeks. For everyone in the entire world to know I am Elle. I used to have a blog called Chasing Perfection but it has since been deleted. This is my life. I'll write a real post later tonight but I am late for the gym.

Elle